To have a seriously high family income, is it better to stick to 'traditional roles'?

[Gameboy]

Was just thinking about the various ?250k income threads...

Before kids DH & I both had ?100k+ jobs so the family income was about that I guess. However we both wanted less corporate B*llcks and more 'freedom' so over the last 5 years have both set up our own businesses.

We earn less, cope with childcare better, have more flexibility (but tend not to use it well..) and I'm not sure we're any happier really - we always seem to be arguing about who is responsible for what around the home and kids - probably because we regard ourselves as sharing the workload.

I remember the top exec of the company I used to work for being asked what the secret of his success was, and he replied, "a wife who has always supported me, followed me around the children, raised our children and ironed my shirts".. Shame he was later discovered to have cheated on her with a colleague .

If either DH or I had stayed in our jobs we could probably have reached the ?200k level, but ONLY if the other one had taken COMPLETE responsibility for house & kids. But neither of us wanted to do that.

Sometimes I wonder if we made the right choice though - everything is so manic.

Isn't it just easier if there are traditional i.e. one parent at home, roles?

I think that dh could do all of the childcare/homecare type stuff. I just don't think that he could do it and do his current job if I'm not around between 25% and 50% of the time. And the reverse is true too - I can work full-time for a bit but when you come to a staff crisis, a domestic staff crisis and say illness or something else impacting your child, then there is no slack at all. A crisis on one of 3 fronts is managable, sometimes even 2, but it is typically the 3rd front that makes me question whether what we're doing is worth it. Even with European travel arrangements I hate the risk that both dh and I are travelling at the same time, though typically when we're both travelling, one of us is long-haul.

Certainly in my company of the 3 most senior women, 2 are childless and 2 have stay at home/golf husbands.

jura, that seems a nice way to be organised. Yes, depends on the sector. I do a lot of construction stuff sometimes and I am the only woman often. It's quite fun because you're unusual rather than run of the mill 50% are women anyway kind of place. I was talkig to a friend about women in engineering who again are rare. My daughter's friend went to Oxford last year to read engineering and was much sought after. I thought may be competent women just have more sense - engineering generally lower pay than some other things clever female Oxbridge graduates can do why pick it and then if you add in innate sexism in that sector what a mixture!

The couples where both earn a lot have lots of help. I think it was yesterday's FT which had a thing about corporate wives or something and it mentioned one who was rare because she had a job. She and her husband in different companies were on about £4.5m each or something, total family income £11m.

This is a very interesting question... My DH and I are set up pretty much the same as Jura ie. we both work and share everything. We have a cleaner 2 days a week, DS is at nursery, & we have an occasional ad-hoc nanny for when nursery is shut. It all works okay but there's no 'slack' in the system. So when DS isn't well enough for nursery, somethings gotta give, and we take turns to have a day off with him. I do suspect I won't get as far in my career as if I had a SAHD husband, and my husband won't do as well as if he had a wife at home taking care of everything. But I also suspect that we're happier this way. And DS is certainly happier since I went back to work (am always worried about how this reflects on me as a mother, but it's true anyway, and may as well be honest...). But I don't think we COULD choose traditional roles. I am not good corporate wife material - I'm tactless, irreverent, terrible at housework - when I iron things they don't look ironed somehow, and when I tidy I just end up sitting reading the magazines that I meant to throw away..., and I'm quite neurotic (so need lots of intellectual stimulation to take my mind off myself). I'm also terribly anti-social about talking to people in RL unless I really, really like them. I think if I stayed home I'd end up torpedoing DH's career instead of helping it So probably best for our financial security if I concentrate on earning money - I've found a little niche career where my oddities don't seem to hurt too much!

Does about £130K household income qualify as high in London? It still feels like we're treading water. Irrespective, I wouldn't be where I am in my career if it weren't for my husband. We've flipped between self employed and salaried over the past 15 years, but I've been the salaried one for some time and now earn about twice what he does.

There was never any question that he would quit work to handle childcare if it became necessary. Logic dictated this since his income wouldn't cover the bills compared to mine.

Because he's self employed, he's the flexible one on nursery drop offs and pickups. Other perks include cooking from scratch almost every night, rubbish removal and dealing with anything car related.

So we've come to a happy medium right now - but the logistics need constant scrutiny, and I never take what he does for granted.

my dh and I both had similar salaries 5 years ago. Since then I got pregnant, had 9 months maternity leave with dd1, went back part time (4 short days/week), got pregnant with dd2, had 14 months maternity leave, went back part time (2.5 days/week) and have now just left to build my own business.
On leaving, my salary (pro rated up to full time) was less than 50% of dh's. I do think that at the time i went off to have children, was the time that my career had the potential to take off. Getting pregnant (planned!) put a stop to it all. Do i regret it? Not at all. Working part time also effectively stopped my career. Not being able to travel stopped my career. The only answer was to work at least 4 days/week and have a live in nanny (didn't want one and don't have the house set-up). I became totally disillusioned and decided to leave. I am now building my own business, working mostly from home. At least now, dh can focus on his career, he is having to travel more and more and having to share nursery drop offs etc was just becoming too difficult. Both of us driving our career in large organisations just wasn't going to be feasible with two small children.

If you don't mind it that's fine. Some women (and men) resent being a home with their spouse travelling more and more. For others that's a good working partnership. It wouldn;t have suited me as I liked my work and we did find workable arrangements with a live out nanny and then in the blink of an eye children are getting older and hardly want to know you and now I've 3 at university. I am finding my career of some use to the chidlren actually, the people I know, advice I can give.

I think most people agree that sadly part time equals end of many careers, although I know women and some men who have ended up doing a lot better with the thing they start part time from home than they would ever have achieved in their previous career.

xenia I find it strange that you value your career more than your children and are happy to delegate them. But perhaps I'm on another planet too. I prefer mine. Each to their own I say.

Why have kids if neither of you want to look after them?

Not read whole thread. Rebelmum, I DO want to look after my children, BUT, in order to look after them to the best of my personal ability, I need to work as well. I want to live somewhere nice near a park/facilities so that we can do things when I am at home. I WANT to be able to take them on holiday every year/buy toys that I think will enable their development. This is the way I parent. Yes I would love to stay at home and still be able to do this but it isn't possible to do it the way I want if I do that, so I work. Does that explain why people have children if they are going to farm them out to childminders etc (well in my situation anyway)

My mum was an ardent feminist went back to work after 6 weeks and left me with a male aupair. I cried solidly for 6 months. I was determined to be with my child. I think the most fundamental thing a parent can do is to be there for their child when they need you. They need you for such a short time. I took a year off and went for career change rather than meltdown, I work part-time and manage intellectual stimulation perfectly adequately. I loathe housework and have a balanced healthy relationship with my partner who would love to be at home full-time.

I work too UCM. I'm not having a stab at working mothers. I work myself because I have to in order to provide country cottage. She has excellent childcare at an idylic monntessori. I just resent xenia's inference that just because you choose to care for your child you are in some way inferior to men.

I am thinking about this at the moment

DH has been told that he will prob get equity next year in the city law firm he works for. He has always said he doesn't want it but now it is being offered he is thinking that he could do it for a few years and get out. It will involve a year of long hours (he doesn't do really long hours atm), and then the normal life of a parner I guess, so more long hours (though he is quite luckyt hey are not a really macho firm)

As I have just been made redundant I could now take a back seat and support him in this, do some stuff for myself from home and get a p/t job to keep my hand in.

I'm not sure I'm really cut out for it though, I love working. Plus my idea of fun is not him flogging his guts out and me swanning around doing eff all. We have always had equality in our relationship (including our salaries) and the thought of losing that worries me, we have been together 17 years and such a radical change now might be a bit much. I want to see him, hang out with him etc, not use him as a cash cow. And I want dd to grow up with her Dad around, not some grumpy person who is always at work.

I would however like dd to come home from school to me not her nanny, I would like helping her with homework and being involved with her school life. I like walking the dog. Lots of things about it appeal to me.

If I kept working too we too would have stupid amounts of money and tbh I really don't see the point. OK bigger house, nicer car - err, my house and car are fine, I don't need more than I have.

I don't know what to do

Even though we were desperate for money I still took unpaid leave. My partner left his previous partner, was paying a mortgage and maintenance as well as paying for our accomodation and living expenses and everything a new baby needs. We moved to the country, we had no furniture and we ate game. It was tough but to me and from my own personal experience the early years are crucial. And providing stable emotional foundations was more important to me than cash. We are financially sound now and I think it was worth it.

DD has know her nanny since she was born, she has been looking after her since I went back to work when she was 9 months and is part of the family. I don't think she suffers at all as she is like a grandmother or aunt to her really

Rebelmum , I try not to comment on these threads but reading them recently has had me thinking about why I work and exactly what I hope to achieve by working. Questioning myself really. My explanation was more of a talking to myself really

I have heard it mentioned that no one will ever say on their deathbed 'I wish I had spent more time at the office', but I can imagine me saying 'I feel I did the best I could for me'.

I am working from home at the moment and really should be getting on with most important stuff but coming on here is sooooooooooooo much more fun. Norty - am slapping own wrist here

If I gave up work to be in a more traditional role, these things would happen;

we would have to move and definitely not to anywhere nicer than where we live now

we would be living on the breadline, scrabbling around for money for electric/gas/food

would be taking pot luck on the childrens (2nd not born yet) schooling

At 38 years old I have no wish to go live like this. So genuine question - does this make me a really really selfish person/mum or not??

Sorry if this has gone off topic a bit

Our joint goal is to be mortgage free and get out of the working cycle to pursue our own interests. I'd rather be time rich and cash poor if needs be. You can still make a financial contribution without working. I have several money making schemes and you can also study and use the time to change career. I had a wonderful year off it really gave me time to think about what I wanted from life.

Our problem is also that DH is 54 and I am 38 so we are a bit late to have career changes now, but taking a year out to decide sounds fantastic RB.

To get back to the topic.. I find both of us working really difficult and relentless. If you are not in the position to delegate to staff it's tough being a working parent, especially when your child is ill, they tend not to fit into the tight schedules, annual leave request periods and sick leave. My dd was ill recently and I desperately wanted to be with her and couldn't. I would give up work today if I could afford to.

We used to both work in the city and each earned £200+. Life with 3 children was almost impossible so I gave up. DH's career has absolutely flourished in the 3 years since I stopped working and he now earns pretty much what our combined salary was. I take full responsibility for the domestic side and having been used to working 12+ hours in the city find it an absolute doddle not to mention pleasure.

Life couldn't be better these days and I look back on these stress-filled days with a mixture of horror and disbelief.

This morning for example.. we have just moved house and are in chaos btw. We're both shattered, dp renovated house while I packed the other as we didn't have enough holiday to take we still working. My dd woke up at 5.30 disorientated, took her nappy off, i was still groggy and not quick enough, she pooed on the new floor, as disorganised had no wipes at hand, had to clean it up wash her with her screaming, dp then had to walk the dog, feed the cats and empty stinky litter tray, the whole time we're sniping at eachother and we can't find our clothes. I astoundingly get to work more or less on time. Everyone else is all calm and poised, had breakfast. I'm in odd socks and shell shocked.

When we get home tonight we'll pick up dd, she fall asleep in the car, stop off to supermarket, get home, walk dog, feed pets, feed dd, bath dd, bedtime story, cook, eat collapse. Have it all? you can keep it!

All depends on your definition of "better" really. "Better" for whom? Just the high income earner or for both adults & the children.
I think it is going to be horses for courses. When I was married both DH & I earn't pretty well. I continued to work part-time after the children were born as otherwise I would have gone completely bonkers. I am utterly, ruthlessly efficient though. I looked after all domestic arrangements, financial arrangements - infact everything. As a single parent I still do. If you are not organised then it is hell & for those who don't want to live their lives like that but still have a high income, it may make sense for one partner to sacrifice their career for the benefit of the other.

Both my DH and I have very successful careers.

I took about 3 years when teh children were little working part time and my career plataued for a while. Since workng f/t (4 in the office, 1 at home) then mine has rapidly risen and I'm back on the same level of remuneration and other rewards as DH.

We do both work equally around the home though - we do slightly different things - DH does mornings - not my good point - school bags/sports kit/drop off etc and I do evenings - homework/baths/bedtiimes etc. We do have a nanny for the children and help around the home.

Neither of us need someone at home to help our indovidual careers along - we manage just fine - as long as we both feel equally responsible for the running of the home.

Sometimes it is a bit of a juggle, but it all gets done and we both have very rewarding home, work and social lives.

Part of what probably makes it work for both of us, is that at any time, were one of us to be sorely pissed off with work, or with working, then we could give it up, put our feet up for a couple of years and do something different. There's nowt like having a choice for making you feel less stressed about life