Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Flip

Original poster

Being judged

22 replies

tryingmyverybest · 09/04/2015 13:11

My little boy is 1, I started back at work in January, part time, into a new role but in the same organisation.

I am 31, started my career at 18 and have worked very hard to have a job and afford a baby, working part time.

My son was born with a fixable kidney problem. The pregnancy was stressful and he had an operation at 4 months old.

Yesterday someone very close to me judged me. They were very cutting. They said I wasn't cut out for motherhood. They said I didn't enjoy pregnancy or the early months with my child. They said I couldn't adjust to a career and a baby and I was too worried about snot on my suit or my hair being done to enjoy being a mother. They told me to give away my car seat and not have any more babies.

I am devastated. I did find the adjustment hard, but then I can't be the only one? And I love my child more than anything. As I am sure you all do.

I am not really sure how to deal with my feelings on this, should I have shouted and told them my PoV? Or just accepted their opinion. I did neither, I went to bed and cried. But it's playing on my mind.

OP posts:

Mummyofonesofar · 09/04/2015 13:58

I would have told this person to fuck off. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job. Does this person have children or are they jealous becuase they are long term ttc? They sound like they have more problems than they do. As you didn't say anything at the time I would like ignore it this time but be ready next time someone judges you to tell them what you have told us. You are trying your best and you love your son and working is what you need to do to give him the very best life possible. Don't worry either - all new mums struggle.

Original poster

tryingmyverybest · 09/04/2015 14:02

It was my mum. I wish that I had done now

OP posts:

Mummyofonesofar · 09/04/2015 15:51

If it was my Mum I would be ringing her up and saying on reflection, what you said was very hurtful and though sometimes you appreciate her advice, this was not one of those times and to remind her that you are an adult who makes her own decisions. I had a row recently with MIL who thinks we shouldn't be ttc yet as she knows things have been difficult with money after relocating but I stood there and told her it was none of her business. She stormed out after roast dinner and a row but hopefully now she knows not to put her nose where it is not wanted.

Original poster

tryingmyverybest · 09/04/2015 16:12

I think it just took me by surprise. I have done nothing but try hard since the moment we knew we were pregnant. We are financially secure and never ask for childcare help. It's hard when you have nobody to turn to x

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 09/04/2015 16:18

I'm guessing your mum might be jealous. You have a baby and a career path.
Did she resent being a SAHM?

Her behaviour is disgusting though.

BaronessBomburst · 09/04/2015 16:19

Never ask for help with childcare?
So you're coping fine as well.

Nolim · 09/04/2015 16:24

Omg i cannot believe that someone could say something so aweful and to their own daughter!

You are not the only one to find the first months difficult. In fact i think that it is difficult for every new parent. And there is nothing wrong with being a working mum. Some ppl love their maternity leave, i didnt and couldnt wait to get back to work.

Is she always like this or was a temporary moment of insanity?

Original poster

tryingmyverybest · 09/04/2015 16:55

There have been other comments, but this one cut through me. Thank you for your support. I have been struggling to deal with my emotion over it all. I would be never say to another person they weren't cut out for motherhood.

OP posts:

wheretoyougonow · 09/04/2015 17:00

How completely hurtful. You need to distance yourself from this stupid comment.
As one mum to another; well done for getting through the early months, getting through the worrying day of the operation and managing to get back to work without sick down your suit.

Even though she's your mum you need to realise only you can decide whether you and your child are happy.

Nolim · 09/04/2015 17:37

That you are not cut out to be a sahm does not mean you are not cut out to be a mum!
As long as the arrangement works for your family who cares? There is nothing wrong with having a job and being proud of it.

Mummyofonesofar · 09/04/2015 21:12

I enjoyed time at home but loved getting back to work too. She sounds very bitter about something and I hope she snaps out of it so she can be a support to you after what has been a tough pregnancy and first year of your sons life.

YoureAMeanGirl · 09/04/2015 21:43

Was your mum a SAHM? It could be a generational thing. I know several older (but by no means old) people who have very similar views.

You are absolutely, categorically not alone.

You will get many comments like this for the rest of your life. You will be told how much you are affecting your child and how selfish you are but it's not the case.

Do you agree with anything that was said? Are you happy? Is your child happy? If you hVe a partner, are they happy? Nothing else matters.

findingherfeet · 09/04/2015 21:48

Outraged on your behalf. Yes it's hard (and with a poorly child I can only imagine how much harder it is) she should absolutely .fuck.off.

slightlyconfused85 · 09/04/2015 21:54

Poor you that is an awful thing for her to have said to you. Is it because she thinks you should be a sahm? My Mil makes judgey comments about me working all the time, generational thing which I ignore. Really hard if its your m though

ZenNudist · 09/04/2015 22:40

Don't take her views on board. She is a cow.

Early parenthood is hard. You've been dealt a bad hand with your child's illness. You've cope amazingly well. Well done!

1yo is still early days and the first few years are hard. It's not always going to be easy. You are really doing well, especially with going back to work. That's another milestone that can be crushing and an uphill struggle but once you get it sorted with a routine etc can be very rewarding.

Know that your mum is wrong. Understand you are doing brilliantly and you know what even if you weren't you shouldn't beat yourself up.

I'd ignore her and then when you absolutely have to see her tell her why you're avoiding her. If she can't apologise ignore her some more.

You don't need her help and you sure as hell don't need the knife to the back.

Original poster

tryingmyverybest · 09/04/2015 22:58

I think maybe Nolim hit the nail on the head. I am or cut out to be a sahm. I had a busy job and I found the first few months quite lonely. I found the other adults back at work a tonic and I found the time to learn and read the news made me happier. I still cry sometimes when I drop him at nursery. But I always leave to collect him by 5pm and I sing wind the bobbin up all the way home.

Your 'fuck offs' are therapeutic and your support has got me through the day. Thank you x x

OP posts:

wobblebobblehat · 11/04/2015 00:57

Crikey, what a horrid thing to say. Just because she has an opinion does not make it true.

I really wouldn't spend a moment longer thinking about it. Your mother is the one with the problem not you.

AlpacaMyBags · 11/04/2015 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsWu2015 · 11/04/2015 02:16

Here's an anthem for you -

I would not use expletives. People will always have an opinion. The person who said what they said obviously hasn't "HAD" children and connected with the anxiety that comes with being both a new parent and that of new parent of an unwell child.

As a parent both in waiting and post, nobody's opinion has ever mattered unless I have sought it. That's me, no everyone. So maybe you need to just step into your parenthood and sympathise with anyone (esp a close friend/relative) who could be both thoughtless and careless in their speaking.

You just need to put them in their place and assertively "thank them for their view but remind them never to look at you and think out loud, EVER again!!"

emotionsecho · 11/04/2015 02:57

Comments like that from your mother would have me questioning whether she was cut out for motherhood.

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 11/04/2015 16:02

Is this normal from your 'D'M? If so there is a thread in relationships called 'Stately Homes' (which comes from the idea that abusive/toxic parents feel they delivered a good childhood as they took their children to stately homes) which might be helpful.

You sound extremely pragmatic and well balanced. A serious illness may well colour your baby's early days.

And, like me you might not enjoy parenting as much as some people do. We are all just different.

I would be truly upset too. Are you able to bring it up with her?

Original poster

tryingmyverybest · 11/04/2015 17:06

Tbh I don't really deal well with confrontation and I don't really want to hear those words in that order again. I have chosen to digest it and move on x

OP posts:

Flip