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Original poster

Going back...when you don't need the money

27 replies

Misty9 · 30/03/2015 22:56

I am in the very fortunate position of not having to work if I don't want to. I spent ten years getting to qualification in my profession then had ds and stayed at home for two years with him. A brief 6 month contract then dd came along.

Now, with dd nearly one, I'm starting a part time job in a few weeks. Because it's best for my career, and jobs are very thin on the ground in my field so I don't know when something else might come up.

But we're trying to sort childcare and now I'm starting to feel torn and guilty. dh is also part time and will do some of the childcare, but we'll need one day for dd. Am I being really silly agonising over this? She's so clingy with me currently, I dread the thought of leaving her crying at nursery/home/childminders :(

I know I'm so lucky to have the choice, but how did other people feel when they went back for reasons other than financial?

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Original poster
Misty9 · 30/03/2015 22:58

I think my main point is: because it is a choice for me, I feel like I'm choosing to do something which I know will upset my baby :(

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AlpacaMyBags · 30/03/2015 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2015 14:44

The question is why do you want to work?
If you just don't feel cut out to be a sahp or you feel if you leave it too long you won't be able to restart your career then that's one thing but if it's down to someone else's expectations then that's another.
If money isn't an issue do what you think is right for everyone as a family.
I had a good career but took about 6 years off partly due to DC but also because DH was running his own business and needed my support.
I have a business now too bit I don't regret it at all and I got to spend a lot of time with my DC before they started school. I feel very lucky to have had that time with them

FiftyShadesOfNifty · 07/04/2015 13:09

You're not choosing a job over your DD's well being, you're choosing a job because you want to put your skills/brain/talent to good use and be stimulated outside of being a mother.

I should take my own advice, I feel guilty about working too (though we're in a different position in that I do need to work for financial reasons).

Your dd will be ok. You're not deserting her, and actually I think it's great to show children that both parents can have careers and aspirations.

I'm on mat leave with dd2 and dd1 (3.5) already thinks it's only daddies that work, as I guess she understands work a bit more than before I was off.

Plus I kind of feel that unless women do go back into the workplace, society will never shift quite enough for us to do it guilt-free on a social level.

tootsietoo · 07/04/2015 13:17

I felt the same, and I left for 5 years, then worked from home for myself for 3. I've buggered up my career. Completely. I don't think I could have made a different decision at the time, but I am still a bit mad about it. You have a good set up in that you and your DH are both part time so you minimise the out of home childcare you need. It is a good compromise. Do NOT feel guilty, if you enjoy working and having the money, feel good that you can do it with only a minimal amount of outside childcare.

Nolim · 08/04/2015 12:26

Work can be a sanity saver. I think that working makes me a happier mum and i value more the time with dc. And one day of childcare is not too much, your baby can learn a lot being around other kids.

Original poster
Misty9 · 08/04/2015 22:51

Thanks all for responses. Particularly grateful as got my start date sorted and only couple more full weeks with the kids now. Excited but also feel a bit panicky when I think about leaving dd. doesn't help that she won't even entertain daddy currently... :( and we're pretty decided on nursery I think. Argh! Both being part time is the ideal but I'm all she's known on a full time basis. It'll be fine, it'll be fine, it'll be fine she says, rocking ...

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FiftyShadesOfNifty · 09/04/2015 08:05

Good luck misty.

My dd2 is similar. Won't be comforted by anyone else but me. My work have insisted I go back full time. My heart is v sad.

Original poster
Misty9 · 09/04/2015 18:51

Thank you nifty ;I read your thread and hope it all goes well for you too. It sucks having to make these decisions sometimes :(
And I know I'm lucky being able to work part time, it's just so hard thinking about leaving her. Hopefully the reality won't be as bad after a while for both of us.

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FiftyShadesOfNifty · 09/04/2015 19:00

After the day I've had (indoors with chicken pox ridden DC) going back to work full time feels veryappealing Wink

Give your DD a month and yourself 3 months and it'll all be ok. My DD1 really thrived at nursery and I know she's learnt loads there that I wouldn't have had the patience or energy for.

Best of luck with it all Smile

FiftyShadesOfNifty · 09/04/2015 19:00

Ugh. Fail.

Arrrrrgh.

You get my drift v

Original poster
Misty9 · 09/04/2015 19:56

I do Grin thank you. And I know what you mean re work seeming appealing! My three year old drove me up the wall in the short time between nursery and bedtime, and I'm still trying to settle the baby who is ill and has been grizzly all day. The joys!

Double chicken pox, urgh. Been there last month, I feel your pain. oat milk baths were our saviour :)

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FiftyShadesOfNifty · 09/04/2015 19:59

Sounds just like my household too. Crazy 3 year old and demanding baby who's never slept through I've bought so many oats (for baths) recently it's untrue!

Keep me posted with how you get on.

FiftyShadesOfNifty · 09/04/2015 20:00

I give up tonight on my strikeouts

Original poster
Misty9 · 09/04/2015 20:12

Mine has never slept through either, if that makes you feel better? :) and the three year old rarely does as he gets woken by the baby.

Just what do I do with an ill baby who won't settle but won't co sleep either?! She thinks it's playtime in our bed. Currently walking about downstairs practically falling asleep! and so is the baby ;)

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FiftyShadesOfNifty · 09/04/2015 21:14

Blimmin' kids.

I've sent DH to get chocolate.

Good luck getting your dd down. Hope she stays asleep for a while and is feeling better soon!

Oly4 · 22/04/2015 20:38

No am going back full time after my second child because I love my job, I want to, I am not cut out to be a sahp! We don't need the money at all.
Is this unusual? Do I feel guilty?? Yes, very.
Is it the right thing for me and our family? Yes, because it will make me happier and more grateful for the time I do spend with them

Oly4 · 22/04/2015 20:39

The first word of that post should be I'm ... Not 'no'!

ladygoinggrey · 22/04/2015 20:46

I'm going back because

  • I like my job
  • I find being at home alone with DD all day every day a bit boring
  • I don't want to be financially dependant on DH - even though all income is family money apart from our equal pocket money if I don't work, eventually my earning power may not be enough to support myself
  • you never know what might happen- illness, death, divorce. We've had higher than expected costs during my maternity leave but the savings from a dual income meant we could handle it.
ladygoinggrey · 22/04/2015 20:53

And I also feel guilty and irritated that I feel guilty.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 27/04/2015 13:43

You're not being silly, but it sounds like a brilliant setup and a no brainer. I was in a similar position going back after DD1, in that we could manage without the money, but it seemed too good an opportunity to miss. In our case, we had family help for the one day of childcare we needed, which makes it easier, but the positives of your situation sound like they outweigh the negatives. One day in childcare is not a long time, and DD will benefit from the extra income you bring the family and also potentially your work as an insurance policy. I don't mean to sound grim, but your DH could become incapacitated tomorrow, and the family need to rely on your employability to stay afloat.

griselda101 · 27/04/2015 13:46

def not being silly; you deserve the chance to do something you enjoy; your child will socialise with other children. You'll be happier and wish you did it sooner! There might be tears at first but they will get over it.

I went mad before my DS went into nursery (only part time) due to PND and no support from anyone (LP, ex useless). When it started I wished I had done it sooner and felt zero guilt, it made me feel human again and it gave DS the social contact he needed.

I think you'll be surprised how much you enjoy being back at work. Good to get the old grey cells back into motion!

Guilt is a normal part of parenting and natural, however don't let it rule your life and make you miserable - life's too short and you deserve a life as well as your kids.

Buttercup27 · 27/04/2015 13:47

I had to, not for money reasons but for my own sanity. I adore my children but after 6 months maternity leave I was itching to get back to a working routine. I love being part time, I get the best of both worlds and so do my dc. They love being at nursery and mixing with other children but they also get to spend quality time with me.
I get ti.e with dc and still have my own identity.

howabout · 27/04/2015 13:54

You sound like you have the ideal set-up and I am sure dd will be fine! I find it really refreshing when people are honest about the decision not being financial (although the future security and choice benefits of both members of a couple maintaining their career are pretty persuasive). I find it very difficult to take that people assume that being a SAHM is only for those who can afford it and therefore all SAHM are better off than WOHM. In my case and I am sure lots of others it would not make financial sense for me to work!
FWIW I think you are extremely lucky to have a balance and I wish you all the best!

Original poster
Misty9 · 27/04/2015 20:59

Thanks for all the responses - especially timely as I start next week and am really feeling worried about dd :( we decided to go for the same nursery as ds attends, and she'll actually only go for half a day for the first few weeks (dh can be flexible with his hours when I remind him how flexible I've been for years ) but tomorrow is her first decent stretch of time there and I'm dreading it. Today she cried every time I left her side... (She's not very well) :(

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