work stress, impossible boss

[diamond457]

IM seeing the dr tomorrow about anxiety and stress due to work.
i work three days a week in a highly stressful, physical job with lots of responsibility, with a perfectionist, nit picking boss to boot.
i try so hard to do a good job, work my lunch breaks to get more done, work overtime, try to make everything as perfect as i can get...and still! Still! I get pulled up every week about minor, silly things that hadn't even crossed my mind.
the night before work i dont sleep, i have butterflies in my tummy driving to work, i feel sick and i just know there is going to be something i haven't done right or something that wasn't 100%.
i am a good employee. Never late, reliable, trustworthy, a proper grafter, good attendance etc, i dont deserve this :( its ruining my days off, im snappy with dp, im distant and its literally making me ill.
i cant get signed off as i am my bosses only cover, so if i were to take two days off for example, she would have to work five days, plus my two days off, then do her usual five days again.
the other team member is her partner who she has days off with at the same time, holidays etc therefore when they are off i am the only staff member.
looking for another job. If i could leave tomorrow i really would.

Oh you poor thing! If only you could give her a mouthful but you sound too nice. I don't suppose there is any chance that you could summon up the courage to poke her eyes out.
She is a bully and like a lot of bullies will pick on someone who won't or can't answer back.
You have rights, your employer has rights too, but so have you. She is making you ill.
Have you kept a diary of all the harrassment ? That would be a good idea in case you ever needed evidence for constructive dismissal. It does sound as though you have a case, quite honestly.
You need help with your self esteem. Counselling and a Mindful course might help give you the ability to defend yourself against these wicked people.
Hope it goes well at the DRs tomorrow as you need to sleep.
Unless you can stand up for yourself, then the only solution is to move on.
They will be sorry when they realise how good you have been.

That is awful Diamond. I hope your doctor signs you off for a month or two. The same thing happened to me in my last job. In the end my GP signed me off for 6 weeks and then a further 6 weeks and then I decided not to go back to such a horrible place. You sound like a fantastic worker and any organisation would be lucky to have you on their team. I am so glad to have got out of my last company. No job is that important

Thankyou
that's what i keep telling myself. No job is important enough to sacrifice health and happiness.
i would stand up for myself if i thought people would believe me. If i took it to hr i reckon she would just say ive been under performing etc, even though shes impossible. It will make matters worse for me in the office also, working alongside her.
my mum actually (to my horror) emailed her explaining that she thinks shes a bully and to stop doing what shes doing. I had no idea at the time and got pulled into the office, mortifying! All that got said was 'im not bullying you, i need to address issues that come up so you can do a good job
im done with the place, her manipulative ways and all the rest of it. I just need to put my energy into finding another job. Very tempted to just walk out though, more than tempted, but dp would end up paying for everything on one wage so wouldn't be possible.

haha I cant believe your mum emailed her!

I have always found HR a waste of time in these matters. may as well get out of there before it completely destroys your confidence.

I have just a few questions and points:

-Do you belong to a union?
-How much company sick leave entitlement is there where you work?
-are there any comments and criticisms she had made that you would consider reasonable?
-after a month of sick leave, employers can in theory get rid of you., in practice, not quite as straightforward

• the longer you are off on sick leave, the harder it is to get yourself back to work
• if you go off on sick leave, you could use the time to look for another job
• keep telling yourself that it is your boss who has the problem, not you. you are good at what you do and this experience will not affect your confidence (easier said than done!)

op, we must work in the same place, my boss is absolutely awful.

I've tried to speak to hr and they are blanking me, unless something happens to anyone senior they just dont care

my confidence has been shot to pieces with a it all

I will refuse to be signed off, i think if i were to accept it i would be burying my head in the sand and making things worse for myself.
the points she makes are very nit picky and not solid enough for me to think 'oh ive ballsed up big time'
also some of the things she asks me not to do, she will do herself she is a massive hypocrite. I have came to realise no matter how hard i try i just cant please her. She has her own standards that personally, i dont think anyone is going to meet. If i am putting in more effort, checking everything, working extra to get more done and she is still not happy then i cant win. Occasionally ive missed a couple of things, due to been under pressure, limited time to get it done etc but its been minor, unimportant things that can wait.
i dont know what im going to tell the dr. I broke down infront of dp last night, i cant cope with the worry anymore. Its time to go!

Ssd im sorry you feel the same way, its a horrible situation to be in. Especially when you are happy at home and you literally have to drag yourself out of bed and get to work to do something that makes you miserable.
sad thing is ive trained and qualified in my profession and im not at the stage where im looking at cleaning jobs just so i cam get left alone to graft and do my bit without all the hassle and upset. I honestly think i would be happier.

I am at the stage*

Please reconsider getting signed off for a short while to get your thoughts straightened out, and regain your home life. It is NOT your problem to deal with cover. If you are suffering by being at work, stay at home, and let them sort out the work load.
and

I was prescribed beta blockers for the stress. Other than that all i can do is find another job to stop the stress.
job hunting is a stress all on its own!

Oh God - I cannot get over your mother e mailing her

Sorry - that really isn't helpful.

Time for job search, and / or a wee bit of sickleave to give you breathing space. Carrying on as is isn't sustainable - but you know that

Haha i know its awful isn't it. I didn't speak to my mum for about a week afterwards. Probably the single most embarrassing thing to happen to me and really didn't help matters at all. I am a grown woman with a child house partner car and she still thinks she should phone up like a mother annoyed with her child's teacher
didn't take the sick leave, when i started talking about stress to the dr he gave me a look as if he were thinking oh another one who wants to skive off work - i opened my big mouth and said i don't need signed off!
work tomorrow, i am at the point if one more thing is said im going to open my big mouth and spout all my feelings out, mite even swear! Otherwise i will just walk out the door without a wage! Because if i did walk, i wouldn't be going back!

I've fought with my boss, I've actually lost it with her, the others working there told me they thought I was going to walk out

but you know what op, why should you walk out and lose money because your boss is a horrible cow? she sounds like a complete narcissist, same as my boss, nothing is ever right for her unless she does it, and if we make a mistake god she blows up but when she makes a mistake its always someone else's fault...its actually funny when you see it happen, its like boss bingo, you know what they'll moan about even before they start!

my trouble is, is that my job is the equivalent of a cleaning job, min wage, very menial, something that fits round the kids, nothing I would have seen myself doing at my age but needs must....and its the most stressful job I've ever had due to my utterly incompetent boss..

my sympathies to you, and me!!

keep telling yourself that it is your boss who has the problem, not you.

Honestly speaking, I don't think this is great advice. We don't actually know what the facts are in this case, only what the OP's perception is.

OP, you say that the mistakes you've made are minor, unimportant ones. That might well be the case, but your boss perceives it to be a problem. Perhaps she doesn't think they are unimportant, or perhaps she is concerned about the cumulative effect of multiple minor mistakes. I think it is in your interest to at least try to understand her point of view, and to consider how you can avoid mistaking these mistakes in the future. Ultimately, your manager is the one who gets to decide what standard of work is acceptable.

She may well be bullying you, and if she is, you should keep a diary of incidents as someone else has suggested. Workplace bullying is real, and it can be incredibly stressful and difficult to deal with. Having said that, it's a very, very common response for people to say that they are being bullied when a manager tries to address genuine and persistent performance issues. We have no way of knowing what is happening in your situation. However, where there are issues with performance, it is much easier all round if the individual acknowledges these and works with their manager to address them.

Perhaps I will be accused of being unkind/unsympathetic, but I honestly think you owe it to yourself to consider whether there is another way in which you could respond to your boss's criticisms. Burying your head in the sand won't help. And if she is bullying you, you'll have a much stronger case if you can demonstrate that you have engaged with her concerns proactively.

Hope you feel less stressed soon.

kampeki, you are assuming here that the boss is right

that's not always the case, in my workplace the boss got promoted due to length of service and nothing more, we have been told that, in fact 4 years into her management job, HR are now contemplating sending her on a people management course.....if after 4 years she is still getting it wrong and having complaints made against her left right and centre, surely it'll take more than a 3 day course to set her straight?

kampeki, you are assuming here that the boss is right

No, if you read my post, you'll see that I'm not assuming anything. I am simply not assuming that the boss is wrong.

Kampeki
If you have ever experienced bullying by micromanaging you will recognise the pattern. I'm still getting over my bully 2 years on. I stayed to fight it. I should have jumped early on before I was destroyed.
OP. There is no shame in being ill with stress. You could use the time to job hunt. Work should not make you ill. It is almost impossible to beat this kind of manager, especially if the only witness in the department is her partner. (How unprofessional.)
My bully was heavily leant on to leave, soon after, but did not ever get dealt with. She caused a team with 84 years of experience, to resign.

If you have ever experienced bullying by micromanaging you will recognise the pattern.

I'm tempted to say that if you've ever had to manage persistent poor performance in an employee who refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem, then you might recognise a different pattern.

Who is to say which "pattern" reflects the reality in this situation?

I have certainly observed bullying in the workplace, and although I haven't been a victim of this myself, I have seen it happen and I'm all too aware of the damaging effects that it can have - as it happens, a former colleague ended up taking his own life partly as a result of this sort of behaviour. So please understand, I am not trying to minimise this issue at all, as real workplace bullying is horrendous. However, I also know that not all claims of bullying are valid.

Please note, I have not said anywhere that the OP is not being bullied. I have simply said that we don't know and we cannot know from the information that the OP has given us.

My intention was to help the OP, and not to kick her when she is already down, and I still stand by my original advice.

Agree with Kampeki

I get pulled up every week about minor, silly things that hadn't even crossed my mind.

OP, can you give us an example of one of the 'minor, silly things' she has complained about?