colleague with stress - how far can we bend?

[dementedma]

Will try to summarise. Very small company ( 3 F/T, one p/t CEO)
Struggling to survive after massive period of change, 2 staff working lots of extra hours evenings and weekend, ceo hasn't been paid at all for 3 months in effort to get through current cash flow crisis and keep trading. One staff member has difficult home life, little support, 19 year old daughter with massive behavioural/ dependency issues and epilepsy although this is mostly controlled with seizure being rare. Daughter holds the threat of a seizure over her mother, phoning her constantly during the day ( think 15 to 20 calls a day on mobile) saying she's not well, mum needs to come home etc. Staff and boss have all been supportive, helped arrange counselling, covered for time/work, kept in touch via text/ phone etc. Colleague has been allowed to work out of satellite office as it is nearer to home - the argument being she might need to rush home urgently. Lone worker policy put in place to facilitate this, other staff having to travel extra also to facilitate this. So - staff member now coming back to work after 6 weeks off on full pay with "stress". OH review says phased return to work, a couple of days part time a week until up to speed so she isn't exhausted etc at satellite office as before. All very frustrating for rest of staff who are also exhausted at having to work short staffed but this is where we are. However - next week is a big, big event with over 350 guests, black tie, full on. Been arranged for over a year and a massive amount or work. Colleague will be back on her part time hours but informs us she will attend the event - it is after work on a weekday and won't finish until 11.30. We have rooms at the venue ( some distance from work) so we dont have to drive. Colleague would also like a room so she can stay the night. I am furious. Boss says she has to be offered the same as everyone else. I want to know how she can attend this -long hours, far from home and overnight- when she apparently has to work reduced hours near to home in case she gets stressed!!!!
Sorry for long rant, but it seems out business is bending over so far backwards we are disappearing up our own arses. If her stress is caused by her home life, why do her work colleagues have to bear the brunt of this?
Please dont call me unsympathetic. If I wrote all the support she has had from us this post would be twice the size!!!

Totally understand where you are coming from BUT if you kick up a fuss how is it going to help YOU? If you complain, what are they going to do about it? Not a lot from what you have said so far. They have pandered to her every whim. I can't see that changing any time soon.

In your position, I would take a bit of a mental step back. Do what you have to do but stop going above and beyond to help this woman out. Slowly start pushing work back in her direction. Do not talk about her and do not complain about her.

I always take notice of what is going on around me at work and will gladly help a colleague in genuine need. Sadly, my generosity has been taken advantage of in the past so I am very careful to look after myself first.

I think you need to ask yourself if you would be asking these questions she had not been off because of a mental health issue, say if she had been off because of a hysterectomy.

In all fairness, it's the night out and overnight stay at the hotel which has annoyed the op. If she needs to be close to home because of stress/her daughter she shouldn't really be on a company jolly! It is taking the piss a bit...

Like a former colleague who had taken weeks and weeks off sick during the year but still managed to go on holiday to the Maldives for 2.5 weeks. Came back for a day and a half then had another week off sick. I think I would be too embarassed to formally take holiday. She was pretty thick skinned though...

mostly I have asked myself that. I am not unfamiliar with mental health issues in my own family with both paranoia and addiction affecting family members so I do sympathise with that aspect of it. But wobble is right. It is the unfairness in that she can't do x,y,z because of her health, whether mental or physical, but then can when it suits.

Fair enough. I maybe you need to take a step back from the situation and just think about the impact it has on you, it is something you can't cope with then raise that. If not then don't think about it, difficult I know, because you have no control over it and thinking about it is making you unhappy.

Yes, you must look after yourself first. If the extra work you have taken on to carry her is causing you stress and strain then you must put your foot down and start saying no.

IME you either accept things as they are or move on. i don't comment on people a lot now (as it has bitten me on the bum in the past) but I am secretly assertive and avoid users at all costs. Someone can take the piss out me once but they won't do it again because I don't let them. Think you need to employ a similar tactic with this lady.

I know. I need to let it go but hard when I'm feeling murderous

I feel for you OP I really do, we have a colleague like that too, I used to get so frustrated, covering her work, extra hours whilst she went shopping /pub etc whilst on sick leave, - you cant change anything at all, but I took a step back and simply refused to work the overtime to carry her, Boss was angry at me for refusing, but I feel so much better and less unhappy and resentful.
Said colleague is off again for another 8 weeks aftr 'breaking another bone in her foot - yeah the 5th in 2.5yrs-!!

You need to think of it as taking control of the situation and not stepping up time after time like you have to date. That's not letting it go...

Reframe it in your mind and you will feel better about it.