Team of 3 - sidelined - advice please!

[Morven11]

Work in a team of 3. The other two get on very well together; collaborate on projects; consult each other. While they're not unfriendly towards me, they are marginalising me. Because of the nature of my job, I should be working particularly closely with one of these colleagues but she chooses to work alongside the other instead.

I don't know why any of this is - I have a lot of experience in the area and I'm good at the job. I also make every effort to be approachable, collegiate - and I positively like team work. The other two are younger, don't have kids and live locally. I have older children and have a commute. Maybe there's something in that. I don't know.

I do know that it hurts - really, I try very hard not to show it - but I'm human and it does hurt. No line manager to go to really - just someone who manages the whole department and I very much doubt would be of any practical help. I have thought of broaching it with my colleagues but fear they might be little defensive. I'm also embarrassed to admit that I feel sidelined and lonely in the job. But if it was going to make a material difference, well, I'd talk to them like a shot. We don't have regular team meetings and I'm thinking, though, of suggesting one if only to talk about projects and activities over the next few months.

If anyone has any experience - or advice - about being in a threesome at work, I'd be very pleased to hear!

My only experience was in counselling training, I was in a group of 3 with a supervisor who didn't seem to hear what I was saying, luckily one of the others in the group recognised this & I felt validated by that, we also had opportunities for 1-2-1 sessions with the supervisor where I said I felt sidelined.

Apart from being louder, approaching the person you are supposed to do a task with and loudly saying ' can we do X now, over there?' I am not sure how to do this. A group discussion would help, I am sure.

An assertive approach would be to speak to them together and say'I feel sidelined' . That does not attribute blame, you are merely stating what you feel so no need for them to get defensive.

I know, it feels horrible, I have been there in other situations, the above was the only recent work one I could think of.

Alternative suggestion here. Focus on something specific - a problem, project, a process, a change that's under way. Call a meeting with the other 2 on the pretext of sharing information / experience /brainstorming a solution. That may allow you to identify - for example - things they've agreed or shared with each other, but not shared with you, although you need to know about them. That could then provide you with a context in which to suggest some change to processes to ensure that you all get an equal chance to contribute before a decision is made, that you all share in the decision making, or equal access to the same information.

I've no idea if the above idea makes any sense in your situation. IME, telling the 'sideliners' you feel excluded is unlikely to end well.

I would agree that having team meetings to focus on work that should be collaborated on would be the way forward. It sounds as if they are conflating their work and social relationships and this is leading you to feel sidelined. I agree, I don't think directly addressing it is necessarily going to be helpful - particularly as if it doesn't seem there is malic involved - but if you are being sidelined on projects, regular catch up meetings are a good way to keep that in focus.

Thank you, all, for your support and advice. I've decided against telling my colleagues that I feel sidelined, professionally and, actually, socially - going off for coffees without me etc. Instead, I'm going to take a more proactive approach, and hope that they, at the very least, take an interest in what I'm up to. Working with me would be nice but they may be some time off.

I thought long and hard about sharing my feelings about being somewhat isolated at work with them - it really is quite bad - and decided that for now I won't. It could end badly, or, at best, be rather embarrassing for me and actually I don't want to put myself through that - it's bad enough already.

Sol thanks - your advice has made a big difference. We have a team meeting tomorrow (they're rare) and I'll be making suggestions.

Good luck, hope things improve