Is this harrasment?

[LeaveMeAloneNow]

Since the beginning of this year, a colleague has been contacting me outside of work, over social media, putting pressure on me to have a relationship with him. I have repeatedly said no. At first I felt duty bound to enter into these conversations with him, in order to keep the peace at work. I have also tried ignoring him, but he will just resend the messages via different means until I reply.

I have to have two work meetings with a week with him, conducted in a open plan office. These meetings are increasingly awkward. They range from him sitting far too close, pretending to listen to me, but writing messages on post-its, sticking them on my hand. It's not possible to give that the response it deserves without drawing attention from the whole office.

The other extreme is that he is extremely uncommunicative in these meetings, answering work related questions with one word expletives. I asked him, in a hushed tone not to communicate with me like that and he erupted in anger. He stood up and in a raised voice accused me of lying. The rest of the office fell silent. I felt extremely humiliated by the experience.

I have told him on a minimum of 2 occasions that I find his behaviour to be harassment , his response was a really odd "that wouldn't stand up in court"

I'm beginning to dread going into work. I feel quite stressed by this. What can I do to get it to all stop?

Do you have copies of all the messages?

Do you have an HR department? I would be speaking to them immediately. I can't see how it would be anything other than harassment.

In the meantime try to write as many incidents down as you can remember, and log any others which occur from now on.

But yes, it probably is harassment. Speak to HR.

The relationship thing, constantly asking you out is definitely sexual harassment. No question. And yes it would stand up in court!

Have you evidence/a diary of this behaviour?

The rest of it, well it's incredibly unprofessional but whether it's harassment depends on what he is saying and doing etc. Harassment is a legal definition and is based on one of the protected characteristics (gender, sexual orientation and so on). It could be bullying.

Do you have someone you can speak to about it?

Personally i would talk to someone that you trust whom also attends these meetings and ask them to watch you both. Then i would explain to him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour towards you is unacceptable unprofessional and that if it doesn't stop he will leave you with no other choice than to contact HR. Warn him and then go to HR.

Thanks for the replies.

When I read my op back it became blindingly obvious that yes, it is harassment. I am incredibly nervous of speaking him directly. Last time we had a meeting, he used expletives, then immediately denied it when I pulled him up on it. He started stomping around my desk saying in a raised voice "you're unbelievable"

I believe he's only treating me in this way because I've knocked him back. Before Christmas I would have said he was a friend, and he was always super friendly, helping me settle into the team. It now seems it was all a front to his agenda

I am wary of going to HR. A week ago or so he made a thinly veiled suicide threat in a late night message. I suggested that he makes an appointment to see his GP and he got angry again, saying I was uncaring.

I hope that threat was just an attempt to get my attention, rather than a serious threat. Getting HR involved might tip him over the edge.

Sick with worry at the moment

Ye Gads this needs immediate action. As a previous poster has said, have you records of texts, screenshots of anything? His behaviour in the meeting would/should have raised concerns. You must got to HR. How unbelievably stressful for you :(

You must act though.

It sounds blunt but if someone's suicidal, they're suicidal. Nothing you can say will "push them over the edge".

I think this guy knows exactly what he's doing; he's working to intimidate and try to control you. Go to HR immediately.

This is horrendous for you OP. Go to HR and tell them everything. What an awful man.

HR & screenshots immediately !!

Do you sill have the messages?

Keep a diary log of events and arrange to speak to HR.

Avocado is right.

Thanks again for all the replies.

I hadn't dared speak to anyone about this til yesterday, but writing it down has made me realise I can't pretend this isnt going on.

I haven't kept all of the messages. I have just the most recent exchange when he invited me round his house to stay the night. I declined as diplomatically as you can with a colleague. I had initially tried to ignore his "what you doing after work on x night?" But he messaged me through various means til I replied. I told him I was busy, but he invited me round to his anyway, then got quite arsey, insisting on more details about why I was turning him down.

I was initially polite, as he is a colleague. Had he accepted my decline I probably wouldn't have thought badly of him. It was the badgering messages that followed that really upset me.

I told him he had crossed the line into harassment. His "it wouldn't stand up in court" comment felt he was laughing in my face. as if he thinks he can get away with this sort of behaviour. Makes me wonder what he's done to others in the past.

The comment about court, did he put that in a message? Because that to me suggests he knows full well that what he's doing is wrong.

I'd print out what you have, as much as you can get. Hopefully HR will deal with this in the appropriate way.

Yes, avocado, I have got that message about court. Struck me as a really odd thing to say. It didn't fit with his claims of loving me earlier in the evening. It did make me wonder if he's done this sort of thing in the past.

Also one of our junior colleagues approached me to see if I was ok after his most recent outburst at work. Whilst it was embarrassing to have it acknowledged that our conversation had clearly been overheard, at least I know there are witnesses.

Thanks again for the replies

Definitely go to HR with everything. All the messages you have. Including the 'suicide' threatintimidation.

He is harrassing you terribly and you don't have to put up with it. You have evidence in the form of the messages. You have witnesses to his behaviour.

Why he is doing these thing is none of your concern (he's a nasty bullyboy) and nor do you need to have the slightest concern or guilt about the consequences of his actions. His rubbish, his problem.

I'm sure you will find HR very supportive and taking action. For one thing, as human beings they will sympathise with you, for another, they need to take action now to protect the firm you work for. If they don't sort it then actually you could have a good case at a tribunal (if that's what he meant by court. I would take his odd comment as a hint that this is behaviour he has done before. It isn't personal - it's a problem he has).

Re the suicide threat: my DH threatened suicide on several occasions. I was getting counselling and my counsellor told me that if he wants to kill himself he will, and nothing I did or didn't do would have any effect. Hang on to that thought. It took a weight off my shoulders. You are NOT responsible for his actions!!

Hope you get this sorted, it's a horrible situation.

Thank you Cheese. I hope things have improved for you DH.

I have arranged a meeting with HR. I feel physically sick about it. I can't honestly see how I can continue working there once I've made my complaint. But once flip side, I work there without saying anything.

Good luck OP, let us know how it goes.
What a horrible situation to be in.