Fulltime job, toddler and husband that travels loads....FRSUTRATED!

[Mimie2403]

OK I'm in a vile mood and need to nag! DH travels abroad constantly for his work leaving me to bring dd (2.4yrs)to nursery and pick her up again. I normally work from 8:30 am till 4:30 pm which gets me to the nursery just before they close. When dh travels for his work, I arrive at work 30 minutes later as I need to bring dd to nursery (at 7:45 am), I take less time for lunch so I can still pick up dd at normal time. Every day I keep my fingers crossed that I don't get a call at 4:25 pm (I work on a technical helpdesk) and that the tube and train are on time. Sometimes my colleagues need to work an hour longer to cover the helpdesk as I'm not able to come in early (open at 8) or leave later... I'm just really frustrated as my career prospects were excellent before my dd arrived and I did work that challenged me. Now I'm just stuck in a rut and don't know how to get out! Is/was anyone else in this situation?! I'm not even talking about the fact that I'm normally stuck at home alone in the evenings (DH and I are both non-British so all family is abroad). I guess I just really fell for that 'Women can have it all' attitude. PS sorry for the rant, although speaking from my heart I would have included a few non-PC words but decided against it as I always tell DH off for using them...

I've got one foot in the hole and the other digging deeper, it seems, so you have my empathies.

All I really want is a little peace.

But yeah, the rat race is getting old here, too.

I really feel for you, because I did very similar to what you're doing for 4 years, till dd started school, and it's murder! Like you I had no family etc or anyone to help out, it all fell to me. There were days when i used to nearly burst into tears at the slightest thing simply becase i never got one single minute to myself from week to week.I used to rush about constantly 24/7. Once she started school the short days and long holidays made it impossible for me to work, plus then we didnt have nursery fees to pay when she started school, so i moved to part time work, and life felt much better. sorry can't offer any help or advice but really sympathise.

It is really difficult, isn't it.
But this sounds overly stressful, so you have to see if there is anything you can change.

First - you are probably v happy with the nursery, but it seems to have short hours. If you found one that opened just a little bit later, it would help you enormously. Half your stress would disappear if you knew you could leave her there until eg 6.00 if you needed to. Could you have a look around and see if there is any possibility?
Second - Could you use a childminder to help you with the pick up? Pick up your dd, bring her home, give her tea and you get her when you can?
Third - when your DH ISN'T travelling, could he do the drop off and pick up sometimes to enable you to put in some extra hours at work and show willing?
Fourth - would you consider maybe dropping a day or so of work? THis wouldn't solve any of your logistical problems, but it would mean that one or two days a week your stress levels have lifted.

Sorry, that is all I can think of at the mo.

I know how you feel. Am still trying to figure this one out.

I want to work

I want to be with my child

Why, oh why can I not do both properly????

Oh, and some spare time for friends and hobbies will be nice too, please.

I mean, it is noot too much to ask, is it?

God yes, I just want to run away. DP has told me to just quit work once we sort out the mortgage again in Feb and its really tempting. I hate what I am doing, but don't know how to change direction (despite the fact I have changed direction in the past....)

I am in a similar situation, although my DH doesn't work abroad, just very long hours (has been getting home at 11pm every night for weeks, plus weekend working). It's tough - my DSs miss their daddy, and take their frustrations out on me.

I don't think my DH really appreciates the knock-on effect of him not being around - it makes it so difficult for everyone. I can't ever work late because I have to pick the kids up from nursery. I also have studying to do in the evenings, and I the earliest I can start is 8.30, by which time I'm too tired to learn anything. Sorry, just ranting there!

Haven't got any words of advice really, just wanted you to know you are not alone! And mumsnet is good for those evenings at home when you have no one to talk to.

Thank you all for your support. You all hit the nail on the head! QPH, I am very happy with my nursery and also where I live there are only two nurseries around, one with a long waiting list and no garden (playing outside is my DD's favorite activity). Also, I currently pick her up at 5:45 pm (nursery closes at 6). Thankfully they serve tea there so she only needs a yoghurt and fruit when she gets home. Looked into getting a childminder but I think it's important to spent that last hour of the day with her. And yes, the guilt factor I still have for leaving her at nursery for sometimes 10 hours a day 5 days a week plays a large part in my unhappiness and stress levels! Unfortunately even when DH is not travelling he normally works till 7 - 8 PM. Well, definitely things to discuss with my manager at my year-end appraisal. Have been thinking about cutting from 5 to 4 days or working from home but might be difficult with headcount at the moment... Just need to psyche myself up for this and get prepared!

well good luck with that.
the having it all thing is a big myth - once you have children, life involves compromise - stay at home and miss out on career/other benefits of a job; go to work and miss out on being there all the time for your children; try and do both and you end up so finely balanced that something v simple (like eg a late train) can bring it all crashing down....

sigh!

Mimie, I know you have sorted of dscounted this with the childminder comment. but when i worked i ALWAYS had to do the DO and PU whilst commuting into London from North Essex ( so long commute and prone to frequent train delays!)

I eventually "employed" one of the nursery nurses to bring ds home for me and to get him into the bath - this solved a few things - firstly - he left when she did which was often slghtly earlier than i would normally pick him up, secondly it meant i was not in such a mad panic when i got to him and thirdly he was already at home and a bit more chilled by the time I got back - which was generally 6pm - and we had the last hour and a bit together. The girly basically did and hour of work a night for me on her way home and i paid her babysitting rates ( which btw were lots more than she got at nursery - plus she got sole charge exp which was helpful for her) this may be a route to consider as I found it a life saver - it also meant that on a couple of occassions when I just HAD to stay she got him ready for bed and gave him his milk then put him to bed and sat until i got back...meant that i had a smidgen more flexibility than i did before.

If there is no suitable nursery nurse - then could try your local college ( esp if they run a childcare course) as lots of students like extra money and this was the first route I did until my student got a perm fulltime job after being with us for a year.... hth