Back at work.. so depressed.. sorry long post

[bunnyrabbit]

So I'm back at work full time as of last week....

God how depressing. All I can think about is DS. He's at nursery 4 days a week and the, Grandparents take it in turns for the other day. Dh and I both work in London, so he drops me at the station so I can get in for 8, then I leave at 4.30 so I can get to the nursery before 6. I work at home the day the Grandparents take him, so at least I get to see him for a few more hours.

Poor DS. 10 1/2 hours a day we abandon him. I'm surprised he hasn't forgotten me already. I feel so guilty, but have no choice. I earn almost twice as much as DH, so there's no way I can stay at home. We used most of our savings so I could be off for 8 months. We keep saying we need to look at our finances and see if there's anyway I can go down to 4 days, but we both know I can't really.

Work is OK, but changed products which is the last thing I need now, as knowing I was going back to something I know so well was my only comfort zone. Have to start learning a new product and I'm really not in the mood!!!

I know other people do it, I know I'm being crap, I know it's good for DS to go to nursery - learn social skills etc etc .... but I'm so so depressed.

I miss him so much and it hurts so to know that he isn't missing me as he's too young to really know what's going on. He's such an angel child everyone at nursery tells me how lovely he is, which makes it worse 'cos they're seeing him being lovely and I'm not.

DH is so understanding, but I know it has to be this way. I just don't know if I can cope...

BR

Sorry here I mean

bunnyrabbit, I agree with marina about him not losing out because he's in daycare. both my daughters have been in a nursery 3 days a week since they were about 7 months old, and like marina we don't have grandparents living nearby.
they both go to the same nursery and are there from about 8.45 to 5.15. we live & work in london and I've really put my foot down in the past with dh when he's toyed with moving out of London because then I'd only see them for a v short period of time at either end of the day.
issymum, I can ring my nursery at any time to find out what they're up to, too, and their keyworkers put together a lovely profile book for us to look at all the stuff they've been up to.

I'm lucky in that I work 3 days,so get mondays/fridays with them. could you do that?

Unfortunately we live in Essex and work in london so I have an 80 minute commute, so I leave DS at 7.10 and don't see him again until 17.50. I get very little time morning and evenings. I do call the nursery 3 to 4 times a day and they are so nice. They always tell me what he's been up to and they even take them in the garden or out to the park if it's nice. Sometimes staff come in from the other rooms just to cuddle the babies, so they get lots of attention.

CD thanks for the link. Good site.

Sonnet. We've never really had expensive holidays anyway, so nothing to save there.

I do think children remember things like playing in the garden, I certainly do. My mum worked when I was little, but all I remember is summers in the garden with my brother, playing with the hosepipea dn washing up liquid bottles.... That's why we don't want to move. We have such a lovely garden and house prices are so silly now, that's if you can even find one with a decent garden.

Talked to DH and will definitely sit down with our spreadsheets (yes I know sad isn't it!!) and see what we can work out.

Thank you all so much for your views, suggestions and sympathy.

BR

Not sad with the spreadsheet"!!! we do tha same all the time. I love my spreadsheets!!!

I have a ss too!

Excel junkies!!

We use Quicken which has been a real eyeopener - pie charts/graphs the works - but even taking a tenner a month from one budget and bunging it somewhere else can make a big difference.

BR, scrolling back, he was there 8.30am to 5.30pm five days a week. My sanity saver was that because it was a university nursery it closed for part of the Easter, Christmas and Summer vacs so I had to be off with him for about 10 weeks of the year. As I work in HE that was manageable. See you have had lots of good ideas and input.

Poor you br, I know exactly how you feel, I went back to work 4 days when dd was about 6 months and cried every day for a week, missed her so much it hurt. I gave myself a month and was still really down so reduced to 3 days which is ideal for me. I did the budget thing and daft things like Sky movies we didn't watch, crap mobile phone contracts etc added up. Wine was a big expense in our house too, we cut down on that.

Agree with others, give yourself a while to see if things settle then decide what to do.

By the way, my friends son went to nursery full time at 5 months 7.30-6 and is an angel, you will NOT be hurting your child by keeping him in f/t care. It wouldn't have worked for me but each to their own.

Good luck in whatever you decide, life is too short to be miserable xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks guys. Really appreciate the input.

Bunnyrabbit, good luck with your deliberations. There's no easy way round it I guess. Dh and I have both always worked part time and different hours so as not to have to have, or pay for any childcare (almost)and our oldest is now 12. It has worked well in many ways but I admit that these days I sometimes feel down about the lack of money. I have also chosen to have a relatively low status low pay job at the moment so that I can keep some energy for home and finish on time and not have to bring work or stress home. Fine in some ways but frustrating too.
Its hard, especially when friends are progressing in their careers and moving to bigger houses, having nice holidays etc. We are in London and while there are lots of great things to do with children that are free or subsidised, theres also a lot I would like to do but cant. Another downside is that we dont seem to manage a huge amount of time together as a family, although I know that is normal for lots of people, perhaps most.
On the whole though, we have really appreciated being both fully involved with the 3 children right through. As Aloha and others said, you do have a choice but it wont be easy. (btw I earn more than dh too and could earn twice what he does even if wqe were both full time but I really dont want the stress).

I do think you have a choice as well, a nice house is all very well but if you really want to spend time with ds why not sell and buy somewhere cheaper even if it means moving far away.
I dont think there is anything wroing with childcare for your ds it is more for your unhappiness.
DH gave up a job with a good promising career he loved and had always wanted to do to work nights as a manager in our local supermarket where he had worked as a student. He did this so we could divide the chidcare between us for ds and dd as we couldnt afford the childcare otherwise.
If I cannot go back to work partime he will give up his job.
It was a very hard decision to make for him and we thought that we were damned if he did and damned if he didnt. If he hadnt have taken the offer of the job I would have resented him and if he did then he would resent me. Well, it did work out well, when I go back we will have enough money to live and not have to use childcare and for dh thisis more importnant. he will go back to his career when dd is a little older.

Its not your ds who is suffering just you.

Worked from home yesterday so had a couple of hours with DS in the morning and my mum brought him back for his lunchtime sleep so I gave him his afternoon bottle. It was so nice when she brought him back again at 5 for his tea and we had great fun with finger foods!

Made me so much happier taking hime to nursery today.

I've taken on board all your advice and suggestions and, as soon as we know what's happening with DH regarding redundancy etc, I'm going to drop a day.

It will be tough, there's no denying it, but It'll be worth it. I know that one day with him will make it all worth it. We can go swimming and meet other mums and I won't feel that we're slotting him in where we can so much.

I've been so depressed the past two weeks, I know that this is the right thing to do. Now I just have to hope that, given my new responsibilities at work, my boss will smile kindly and let me go down to 4 days....

Yours, happier but still pining for my little bug.

BR

BR, I am at work today, and DP is at home with DS as he is one day each week.: I feel SO much happier in my work when DP has him, even tho' we have a fantastic (shared) nanny. If your DH gets a good redundancy payment, and could be at least a p/t SAHD, and you can continue to wfh on one day a week, you may feel the pressure lift.

I know what you mean: it's the length of the days that prey on your mind, isn't it! (but Coddy is right - the kids do do fine).

Hi Blu,
Yep we had thought of that too. It really depends if the redundancy is enough to pay of a chunk of the mortgage. Unfortnately in DHs line of work it is not easy to get part-time, but he thinks he might try and temp (lots of money!!!) which means he can take more time off.

But then I suppose I'll just be jealous that he's with DS and I'm not!!!!! How do you cope with this?

BR

Hi Br, only just found this thread and I just wanted to say that I really feel for you in this situation. (((((big hugs))))) I hope you find the right answer soon.

I've had a quick brainstorm on things you could think about changing if you haven't already done so. A few of these have been mentioned. They really come from any angle and some will save more than others but I thought anything could help. (doing it as an exercise for myself as much as anything as we need to look at this too..)

*pack lunches for you and dh which could save £50ish a week? (v.hard to do but it does save alot IMO)
*shop at asda or safeway rather than sains or waitrose? (or do similar shops at several stores and compare receipts)
*buy own-brand products
*swap utilities- a good website to compare
*find best childcare options financially eg. could both granparents each look after ds 1 day a week saving a days cost at nursery?
*change mortgage to an offset one where your savings and current accounts offset the amount of interest you pay. You may not have to 'pay off' the mort with the redund money but keep it in an offset account so you can get to it if you need it. (egg and if.com do them)
*reduce or give up creditcards
*review all insurance policies (life, critical illness, health etc)
*review car insurers yearly
*keep a spreadsheet of your in/out goings
*search for savings with internet buying
*have UK holidays
*reduce takeaway and eating out nights for a while (! v v v hard to do)
*move to longlife/energy saving light bulbs (!)
*turn off/down central heating
*move to reusable nappies (see if nursery/gparents can accommodate this)
*hang clothes on line than tumble dry
*get veg from market rather than supermarket
*buy wine in bulk when offers come on (but this isn't an excuse to get through it more quickly! )

can't think of any more at the mo. HTH.

Hi Karen99,
You are a sweetie! Have already got most of this inhand, or it stuff we do anyway, but hadn't thought about the longlife bulbs or swapping utilities. Good ideas. Thanks for the link too.

DS has his 7-9m check to day so I get to pick him up early. Hurrah!

BR

I have recently read this thread and really understand how people feel.I feel for you too. My daughter is 2 now and I am the main breadwinner in the family, dh has gone back to college and we moved house to be closer to my parents. My mum is brilliant with Dd and looks after her nearly all the time. This is a great cost factor and we could not be more grateful. She takes her here, there and everywhere and speaks to other mums and makes friends with them etc. I know this is more than great this support but sometimes I do feel a bit jealous. I would love to be doing this but have resigned myself to the fact I can't. Funnily enough my daughter thinks that the word for work is school and she knows that tomorrow I am at school and that she can't come with me - this makes us sad. She has now started yelling....all the best bunnyrabbit in your decisions...

Thanks Sarochaka,
I have thought of asking our parents to look after DS more.... problem is I'm a bit older than most first time mums and as both sets of parents are now retired, I don't really want to impose upon them more than the one day every two weeks. Even though they would love looking after him, it's still a commitment which I do not feel happy with.

I completely understand when you say about being jealous. My mum took him for the day on Thursday and I cross examined her when she got back wanting to know every detail!!

Sooo cute that she thinks you're at school.....

BR