Help with personal profile - mine or cv helper persons version?

[Fcukfifa]

Hi, im trying to get back into working after having a 5 year gap. Would like to go mostly into office/admin work.

I went to a place that helps you build/tweak your cv and the man basically deleted all my personal profile and quickly wrote a new one.

If I copy and paste both versions (they arent long) could somebody tell me which sounds ok/better? Also point out any grammer or spelling mistakes. Or if I am absolutely barking up the wrong tree.

The cv builder persons:
I am an extremely approachable, organised and professional person who has excellent communication and organisational skills. During my career I have gained a vast amount of knowledge and experience that will benefit any employer. I am self motivated and can easily work with people of all ages and backgrounds. I am willing to learn new skills as well as improving on my current abilities.

My version:
As an avid organisational home maker I am ready to use and expand my transferable skills in the workplace. I am extremely approachable whilst maintaining a strictly professional role.
I have experience of working in customer focused roles where I have gained a rapport and genuine trust with not only colleagues but customers too.
Working in a varied and challenging role is a career aim that I am focused on achieving. I plan on doing this by showing any future employer that my organisational, general administration and finely honed communication skills can be used effectively in the workplace.

You lot are the cleverest bunch I have come across and I would be so grateful for any help!

The phrase in general? Or that I am obviously lacking in them

He knocked my confidence when he just highlighted the whole section and pressed delete

Yours. I put something on my cv about how my time at home at given me perspective. Improved my time management. Broadened my outlook. Made me look forward to work. A cv person said i should take it all out!

Id use youra but Take out "extremely" abd "vast" , too superlative.

You

Just keep it simple. I have good communication skills. I am approachable. I can read those like facts. If i read "i am extremely approachable with excellent communication skills" i think "do u now". Not you! I hope u know what i mean.

As a sometime recruiter, I prefer the one that's not yours. Sorry. And if you do use yours, please take out "home maker".

Posted too soon - the first one is far more professional and succinct.

The first one.

Your one is too flowery.

Frusso, thank you for helping! I will take it out

Klokken, I will also take out the superlative words too.

It's so hard to find a balance of not sounding like a robot spouting the same thing and not writing too much filler bullshit.

I will get on tweaking it and send it off for a recruitment advisor job - off all things! They will probably laugh me out of the door

X-posts....oh fuck

Sorry but i prefer his version.

CV builder's version is so generic as to say nothing. It must be his "Few Qualifications Mum Returning to the Workplace Standard Blurb". I don't like everything about your version, but at least it's about YOU.

What about this:
I have robust organisational, general administration and finely honed communication skills to bring to this position. I am extremely approachable and professional. I have experience of working in customer focused roles where I have gained a rapport and genuine trust with both colleagues and customers.

In cover letter give specific examples of how your experience fits the work of exact position you're applying for. Express enthusiasm for the role, can't beat that.

It's ok

I just thought I would gauge other peoples opinions too rather than pinning everything on getting a job that someone whipped up in two minutes rather than my hours

Alardi, your version sounds great, a mixture of the 'feels' of both of them.

When he wrote it I did ask if the recruiter will know that I've been to see 'joe' at ...........
He wasn't impressed

I prefer his but would make it more specific and evidenced:

I am an extremely approachable, organised and professional person who has excellent communication and organisational skills example from CV. During my career I have gained a vast amount of knowledge and experience of specific example that will benefit any employer. I am self motivated and can easily work with people of all ages and backgrounds. I am willing to learn new skills as well as improving on my abilities in x, y and z.

So something like:

I am an approachable, organised and professional person who has excellent communication and organisational skills demonstrated by my role as chief UN peace negotiator. During my career I have gained knowledge and experience of lion taming and Microsoft Powerpoint. I am self motivated and can easily work with people of all ages and backgrounds. I am willing to learn new skills as well as improving on my abilities in diary management, sports massage and furniture making.

Adapt it for each application to be most relevant for the role

If I got your CV as part of an application, here's what I would think:

Working in a varied and challenging role is a career aim that I am focused on achieving.
I interpret that, if I'm not offering you a varied and challenging role, that you will keep job hunting and I'll have to recruit again.

I plan on doing this by showing any future employer that my organisational, general administration and finely honed communication skills can be used effectively in the workplace.

The words "any future employer" sounds a bit defeatist like you've been unemployed for a while and I'd be best to pass.

Possibly use the first para of yours, but include some of the qualities expressed in the cv builders version.

Overall I much prefer yours as it sounds personal and genuine. His sounds generic and while using a lot of the right buzzwords manages to actually give no information whatsoever.

However....
I would big up your employment experience and put it first, and put the homemaker bit after that.

I would try to find a way of actually showing the employer in the cv that you can do what you say you can- examples- rather than saying you will show them.

Don't use the word homemaker- too high a risk of someone taking against it as too twee or dismissing you because they have negative associations.

What specifically has your avid organisation involved! Any volunteer work, groups, local neighbourhood stuff, PTA, events etc? Name drop as many specifics as early as possible. You need to make sure that what they read in the first glance- first sentence or so gives them no possible reason to doubt you and several reasons to read on.

Grammar:
You can't maintain a professional role- you mean persona, manner or something like that.

I wouldn't waste space with lots of not strictly relevant adjectives- the honed thing eg.

Tondeleyo how did you know I was a lion taming UN peace negotiator

Thank you, that was really helpful and I like the idea of giving examples.

Will wait until the kids are in bed until having a good think.

Thank you everyone who's helped, I know other peoples cvs aren't the most interesting thing to talk about.

Threequarters do you work in recruitment? I agree with everything you said about the highlighted sentences. Now I'm embarrassed I've even shared it on here!

But so grateful of the help!

Woozle, doesn't my immaculately colour co ordinated underwear drawer and decanted labelled food storage count?

I have volunteered with the RNLI so I will add in examples like what tondelayo suggested.

Grateful for*

Ooh, really important question!

What font should be used? The guy changed it all to Ariel, but I thought it looked a little...informal?

I prefer his. Arial is a fairly standard font, do not under any circumstances use any font that starts with comic