Difficult colleague

[HippityHoppityLaLaLa]

Well, she's a member of my team actually. Three different people have spoken to me so say they don't like her attitude, don't like the way she has spoken to them or the tone of her emails. She has sent me emails which were very high-handed, so I know she has form for this. I knew she was very stressed at the time, so I said nothing, and she went off sick immediately after, for a few days, so I felt the opportunity had passed. One colleague emailed to tell me he no longer wants to communicate directly with her, but only through me which I think is unacceptable.

Clearly I can't change her attitude, or that of the other 3 people. However, they have brought this to my attention as her line manager, so I feel I need to do something. How on earth do I broach the subject with her? And what would I expect the objective of a meeting with her be: to have her accept that what she says/writes may get other people's backs up? To have her apologise (unlikely!).

You do need to do something. But what is it exactly that you/they are unhappy about... Is it a tone thing? Is she aggressive, or demanding. Could you get a copy of some of the emails and suggest how she phrase them differently so they are less [insert whatever you want less of!]. The same with conversations.

I'd just be frank with her, and let her know that people are finding her approach unpleasant, and that you'd like to work with her to change her communication style. Is she still on probation?

winner No, not on probation. I have had some very stroppy emails from her myself and until now thought it was just a personality clash. I have been working with a mentor to help me deal with her. However, when other people complain about her, it's obviously not just me!

I was copied into a recent email exchange so I suppose that would make a good starting point. I don't think she will take it well ... time to put my big girl pants on!

I'm rubbish on confrontation so at be not the best at giving advice. But all the old management text books talk about focusing on what qualities you'd like to see, and delivering bad news in a 'shit sandwich' approach. But she sounds like hard work! Is she delivering the results you need in general?

Maybe not 'at be'

I gave feedback to someone's manager recently, because he can be a really snotty, patronising git. I didn't actually say that, I said that his style can be off-putting, and some people don't want to communicate with him as a result, but what he says is actually important, so he needs help adjusting his style, so the important information does get read by the people who need to read it. (Nothing's happened, as he's been on leave since, back next week.) I have also given feedback to that person directly before, too, which suggests I don't actually have the answers.

I think you should have used a return to work interview after her period of sickness to discuss her stress. If this wasn't addressed when she came back I think that may not help if she decides to escalate your conversation with her to your boss, which she may choose to do (obviously make sure your boss is fully supportive before you tackle this).

However, you can't choose to do nothing. It's your responsibility to give her this difficult feedback. No she won't take it will but that's not your problem, you're her boss, not her friend.

I think you need to say you've had some concerns escalated to you, and you need to speak to her about the way her tone is coming across, both verbally and in email. Perhaps she isn't aware that her tone is high handed and not particularly helpful, is it linked to her recent episode of stress.

Make sure you remain very calm and firm throughout, and take plenty of notes as soon as you can after the meeting, in order to have these to refer back to later.

Thanks all, some good advice there. Shit sandwich - definitely the way to go, and yes she does generally deliver.EBearhug - I like your approach, may borrow it.

Do I need to tell her who complained?

No - definitely not. I think that's confidential. Unless you go back to the people who complained and ask if they mind you disclosing their complaint in general terms, using behaviour you've witnessed in front of them as an example.

No definitely don't tell her who complained. I'd probably just say "more than one person." Also, if you're giving examples from mails or so on that you weren't included on, try to make sure it's not making a complainant identifiable.

It is helpful to give examples though - I was once told that a manager had received loads of complaints about me, but to this day, I have no idea what sort of complaints and suspect the bullying arse was lying - I don't have much hope of changing my behaviour if I don't know what's actually at fault.

Try and get her to imagine how she'd feel, receiving a mail like that. She might just say it's fine, in which case you'll have to point out that not everyone agrees - but if she can work it out for herself, there's probably more chance of change than if she's just told. Your role should be to help her improve and develop, to support her (and the rest of the team), rather than just tell her off; but if she really won't listen, you will still have the option of pulling rank. You want to avoid it if possible, though.

Do you have any options for training? Maybe offer her a communication skills course or something? We have a library of online courses for soft skills like that, but I realise that's a resource which not everyone will have - still, there's probably something online if you google.

Glad the consensus is not to name names, as otherwise I fear it will turn nasty.

EBearhug, your advice is excellent. Would you like to be my online mentor?

Thank you.

I am working on how to explain to my own useless managers that their response to a project not going very well almost entirely down to their own inabilities to plan properly, of saying "we're going to micromanage it" may not get them the results they hope for...

(Actually, I'm not, because I am off for the next two weeks, woohoo! But I am getting weary of being managed by incompetent men. We could be doing so much better if they just listened to me.)

And what would I expect the objective of a meeting with her be: to have her accept that what she says/writes may get other people's backs up? To have her apologise (unlikely!).

To find out why she does this, and if she's aware of how she comes across and the effect it has on others. To come up with a plan for improving her communications.

I agree it's a good idea to give specific examples of what is not appropriate together with alternative, acceptable ways of getting her message across. If there are some, it's worth giving examples of when her communication has been good. I would also set a date to review how she is progressing with your recommendations.