Back to Work Blues

[HopeTulips]

Just interested to see people experiences around the areas am about to write about. I have to say my head is a little fried at the moment as I can't even seem to distill the problem down. So I thought I'd try and write about it to get a bit off my chest and see if it leads me to a clearer understanding and get some view points from others.

Spent 4 years trying to conceive (blogged about it extensively), went through a range of challenges, two early miscarriages and a sub chorionic haematoma in trimester 2 which resulted in the loss of our middle pregnancy. So three miscarriages and the fourth although we had amino complications worked and I had a beautiful baby boy. Even now am very emotional as I write as it really took a lot out of us, and in the work context am a very successful recruiter who found it very hard trying to hold down a Director level job going in and out if hospital.

So I vowed to take my year out and look after my son and I also thought I'd take a leap of faith and quit my job and pop my career on the shelf. As time went on whilst I enjoyed being at home and getting various lectures from friends and family about how I should stay at home and look after my child (who is a very easy going and active boy) I made some enquiries with recruiters dedicated to supporting working mothers back into the work place. They painted a really difficult picture in terms of cv gaps and I talked myself round to the idea of going back. Financially we would struggle on one wage so I felt it was right, but also mentally a good move for my sanity.

It's been just over three months now. I am finding being back a complete roller coaster. I have two bosses now which is a recent development. We are under staffed. I am under so much pressure and work with quite a few individuals who are not as competent. As a director am meant to be interfacing with clients but I seem to be being dragged around into administrative tasks and yet am obliged to bring in revenue. It's very emotional being back and I am exhausted from constantly being on the god travelling to London once a week, logging on at night as well as in the day and fire fighting. I'm not articulating myself very well but I am wondering why I am so emotional and I care so much about this job. Am damn good at sales and I'd rather use my skills to work as a commercial director for a charity doing something worth while but I don't have the head space to even apply or look at my cv.

Feel better for writing but I can't help but think am all over the place and maybe the pressure of work is too much. At 39 I'd like another child (or at least I think I do, I can't work out my own thoughts sometimes), but I don't know if I'll make it given how hard it was to get my son. I was diagnosed with reduced ovarian reserve so even if I did get pregnant I have a high chance of miscarriage, so is work a good distraction from my fertility woes or is it running me down. I don't know which way to turn and I feel very isolated.

I need some perspectives on this or to hear of other peoples experience and I genuinely am trying to be strong and not wallow.

I'm going insane!!!

I found it extremely hard going back to work guilt for not being home guilt for not being the workaholic I was before ( I haven't gone through the process you have so assume you must be in x10 in terms of emotions).

The most important thing is work is work, allocate the hours you should be doing then stick to them, I was sick of fire fighting so put some staff through performance management stress was awful for a while but the bad ones left and the whole team was better for it.

I then left the organisation which was very scary but new job is amazing same position but a laid back competent team which works. You sound skilled and qualified I would suggest spending some time on the CV and LinkedIn and finding a job that suits you. I'm now partially home based (fantastic). I don't feel bad about dropping her off and picking up and don't feel a mug for opening the laptop up on the evening.

I also spoke to an occupational therapist (I thought I was going mad at one point) which really helps. Main thing she helped me realise is you can't care to much about work especially when it can't / won't give back you need to invest your emotions in you, be selfish, write a list; what I want from work.

Hope this helps

Thank you Balanced 12. I know deep down I'm in the wrong job. There has to be something else out there for me and had it not been for our generous maternity package at work which of course I waited to receive for four years I would not have stayed. I almost plucked up the courage to leave without a job and I also got a job offer before I returned to work from a competitor but they didn't offer enough given how much effort I'd have to put in to get things off the ground and with a new baby it felt wrong. Sometimes I regret it. As a child of the 70s I did work during the telecoms bust of 2001 and I had 5 jobs in that year due to the volatility of hype market so I think it's made me risk averse but I think now is the time to start researching and it he'll with it if I made a mistake. Occupational psychologist sounds interesting. Where did you find a good one, there must be loads out there. I've considered coaching too but again there are so many out there where to start. I've helped so many people with their career, have so many contacts and been a sounding board for so many, and many are giving me ideas now. Perhaps I need to be patient.
We have a small team but one of our key members is leaving and we have split their job in two. We have found one new member of staff who I hope will be a breath of fresh air and we are looking for another, perhaps once we find them it will help. But yes I need to keep my cool, let myself cry when I need to about the last, I think I'm healing and be proud of who I am and make things happen but at a pace I can mange.
Thank you again. I think there is a lot going on in my head and it's very noisy at work so yesterday just taking a few deep breaths and writing all this down also helped.

Many typos!!!