How to deal with this interview feedback when starting new job? Told to 'smile more'

[KlatchianForeignLegion]

I am an oldie but have NCed because ... yadda yadda yadda ...

I'm starting a new job soon. It had a rigorous interview/assessment process, which has the upside that you get COPIOUS feedback on your performance at interview. One of the areas that has been highlighted for 'future development' is that apparently I need to be 'personally more warm', 'softer' and 'smile and nod' more. Yes really.

I am really about this because it feels like such a subjective (dare I say, gendered?) criticism, but I am unfortunately going to be forced to engage with it as part of my 'development'.

I am also really quite hurt by it because it is so personal to be told that you are 'cold' and feels so completely unwarranted. I am naturally quite reserved, but am friendly and polite, enthusiastic (that was noted in the feedback) and project a professional attitude. Plus I remember smiling and nodding through the interview.

Now I feel like I'm going into a new job with a big 'Defective Personality' arrow aimed at me and that there are going to be questions about how personable I am from day one. Other than being charm personified from day one, how can I kill this dead?

When I was told I was the emotional one in the team, I inwardly sighed and thought, can't you be less cliched? What I actually did was point out it was one of my male colleagues who was so wound up in one meeting that he swore - not me. And I sent links to some articles on how men and women are judged differently for the same emotions in the workplace.

However, this might not be the best course of action in a new role. You could ask for specific examples of when they think you weren't being sufficiently bright and sunny, because at least it gives you a starting point and an idea of where their lines of acceptable warmth are. But I would also keep an eye on it and possibly mention in passing in my next review about the gender factor, with a strong implication that they wouldn't want to be discriminatory. Do you have any idea if any others have received similar feedback?

I'm not convinced I should have to be smiling and warm every moment, in any case. I'm a techy, not an escort.

I know it is hard but try not to focus on the negatives - you got the job!

I know my slightly nervous disposition makes me a little stern faced, I was told I was terrifying in a few interviews (as the interviewer), probably because I was just focused on getting the most info I could.

I'm sure once you are in and enjoying the job it'll become a minimal issue.

Congrats!

I was once the unlucky recipient of "We really just don't like your personality" which was a pretty harsh critique, i felt

Mind you my DH works for the same company (this interview was WAY before i met him, just coincidence) and they sound utterly bonkers, so probably an absolute blessing in disguise!

It depends on the job though.
I worked in a job which was totally smiley all day and I mean very long duties. The boys had to be exactly the same, as well groomed/ obviously not the full make up, but hair immaculate etc.
They were judged on personality and customer service exactly the same.
The boys were expected to be especially nice to the women punters, they wouldn't dare have reversed that and that was back in the 80's.
So they may just mean its a really smiley job and you need to smile more.

If there was a rigorous process and you got the job, I think it's safe to say they only see this as a very minor thing. What job is it, can you say?

It's not a smiley customer service job. That's the thing. A lot of it is analysis and report writing. Some of it involves negotiation and having to win people round to your cause. This was tested at the interview and I performed well at this (and generally strongly all round).

The problem is that because this came out of the interview process I have to engage with it from day one. If it was something that came up at an appraisal I would challenge it as a criticism because I do believe it is gendered. There is a very strong emphasis on professional development in the job and so I think I'm going to be expected to show I'm engaging with all of the areas for development (the other two areas highlighted are reasonable criticisms).

My mother suffered from this her whole professional life btw - she was always told she was 'aloof'. She wasn't - she was just professional.

EBearhug That's exactly how I feel. I'm hired to do my job, not do my job AND flirt with people who can't cope with having women around unless they are smiley and compliant at all times.

It is public sector.