Not sure I'm up to being a working mum - head vs heart

[matwork]

This is ridiculous because I'm about to start a year's maternity leave with dc2 but I'm so conflicted about my return to work already.

I've been back at work for 18 months and have mostly done 4 days per week working from home with the odd day in London depending on what's required. I also have flexibility in my working hours so realise I've been very very lucky in this regard.

However I've found it really hard, mainly struggling with the headspace it all requires to juggle everything and give 100% at home and at work. In fact I know I haven't given either 100% so generally always feel like I'm just scraping by professionally and parentally (if that's even a word!), rather than being fully engaged and focused.

I've been to a couple of work things in London recently and it's really hit home how I'm not succeeding as much as I could if I was London-based. Combine this with stories of other mid-30s women doing exceptionally well, and knowing I'm underpaid is making me feel like I could/should be pushing my career harder.

Then I got home at 6:50pm. DD (2.5yo) was getting ready for bed and I think I temporarily, where I was in work mode, forgot how wonderful she is. She was chattering away and it made me realise how much of her I'd missed over the last 18 months because I've been working. This morning she was women up, dressed whilst still half asleep and whisked off to nanny's house for the day. So I saw her for about 30 mins in total all day.

I could accelerate my career, and part of me would love to, but it would mean spending more time in London and with a 1.5hr commute each way the trade-off is that I wouldn't see my children. Moving closer isn't an option.

I could opt to not return to work but we'd struggle financially, it would damage my career even further by being out of the loop, and I think I would crave more intellectual stimulation.

So it feels like it's lose-lose all round. Finding a part time job (in my head 3 days pw would be ideal) in my field is nigh on impossible, getting the flexibility I've got now would be rare, so really I'm fairly stuck in my current job... Yet I'm underpaid, and missing out on pushing things forward because I'm not London-based. I could spend more time in the office, but then I don't see the children.

I'm sure I'm not the first working mum to feel like this, but it's fucking hard to constantly feel like choosing between work and home in terms if where I direct my focus/headspace/priority. I can't wait for maternity leave to start but sm dreading when it finishes as surely I'll feel that emotional pull to home even more with 2 babies.

Can you go down to four days a week? Try that until you go on mat leave with your second?

I will admit it was and is harder going back second time around. I hate working - second time around I know what I am missing.

To keep me going, I am making plans for giving up work or taking a lower paid reduced hours job when my second starts school. I know it'll be hard but it is worth trying. I am also working four days and will soon be requesting four hours a week.

You should quite tired with it all and not able to make a decision. Even a relatively small decision like going to four days will make a difference to your happiness I suspect!

OP -- 4 days working from home sounds like a dream and seems so much more flexible than the usual 5 whole days at work in the city.

Could you not just keep it going and maybe get some assistance by getting a cleaner (it's amazing how much time they free up and how much better one feels when the house is clean) or using a nanny or babysitter to give you support on your days in London?

I know it's tough but I really believe it's a good idea to retain your own income/maintain some financial independence and continue to grow your pension. I just finished a book called The Feminine Mistake - it's worth reading as it's about some of the perils of giving up work and being a SAHM with real stories of professional women who became SAHM but had major difficulty getting back in the work force or who were left impoverished after divorce etc. it's not a fun read but it is realistic and not 'rose-tinted'.

How are you feeling now op after one week of mat leave?! In this heat too.

I've been thinking about this a lot having just had my second child a few weeks ago. I had my first just before qualifying in my profession, which means I've little experience of practicing as a qualified but spent 10 years getting to that point. I've now been out of work for 3 years, apart from one short fixed term contract, and I do worry about the impact on my ccareer. But I also strongly believe that young babies and toddlers need parental care (doesn't matter which one though).

My husband is also self employed although in a field which commands enough money to support us all. We'd always wanted to co parent, but part time contracts for him are not easily found so in reality it comes down to my choice to work or care for the children. I still haven't decided what to do yet. My situation is complicated by the fact that there are very few jobs in my field and even fewer part time roles. I'd likely have to look at private work or a portfolio of work. Nothing which would pay enough if my husband wasn't working. So it does feel very all or nothing.

There's no easy solution. Mind you, wait until you see how you feel about caring for two! It's bloody hard work and some days I'd gladly be in a paid role instead though I suppose they'd still be there when I got home!

It'd be good to keep this discussion going too.

Don't think about this for now. With a new baby due in a week/two weeks planning what happens in nine months/a year is too soon.

You can't do 100% work 100% home at present. It isn't feasible but that doesn't mean give up on work. It means give yourself a break.

Hope all goes well with the new baby.

Thank you all for your kind words.

I think I'd got in a bit of a tizz about it all. I feel so much freer now I'm not working and plan to just enjoy the time off and worry about going back closer to the time.

I don't know how we'll make it work but I guess we'll have to. I do worry that I'm just a bit lame - ie that I'm struggling with 4 days a week from home which is actually quite a cushty number. We already have a cleaner btw! If I can't cope with this what will I cope with.

Maybe it's a nesting thing but I want to have enough time to properly run our household so everyone's happy - get the kids to activities on time with the right kits, bake bread and cakes, have nice dinners, stay on top of the house admin and all those other homely things but I also am fairly money hungry and have always expected I'd have a decent career in which I'm constantly progressing. It feels impossible to do both.

To whoever said that in probably doing "enough" and to not be so hard on myself, thank you. I've learnt from MN that I'm probably a people pleaser so it's hard to be happy and accept that I'm not keeping on top of everything.

DH simply doesn't have the same flexibility in his work as I do. At least not yet. He's hoping to grow a bit more in the coming months so it could be he can take on an apprentice which would mean that he could be a tad more flexible.

We'll see I guess. 51 weeks plus annual leave before it's crunch time!!

I could have written your OP after DS2. I then had 2 years out. I enjoyed it greatly and glad I did it because I was stressed into the ground beforehand.

But 2 notes of caution! I found I still didn't run the house properly, we were still in sh*t order getting out of the door for everything, and half the time I still couldn't find the time to bake and make better dinners etc. Being a SAHM is extremely tiring and in its own way just as hard work as juggling.

In my case, and not saying this would be the same for anyone else, I began to find being at home less than satisfying, but worse I was living through and worrying about the children far more than I wanted to. Every time something went wrong for the kids (the big one wasn't happy at school, the little one wasn't speaking as quickly as the first etc etc) I worried that I was failing in my role as a SAHM. Surely if I was at home the kids would be super grounded, happy, fruit and vegetable loving, educationally successful, sociable human beings? Didn't work like that!

So just as I knew when to take time off, I also knew when to get back into work. I miss the absence of worry that comes from not working, but I needed to get back to it.

Trust your instincts when the time comes (although not necessarily right now with a littlun due!)

I went with my heart (and logistics) but am feeling a bit lost now husband in exciting job and children needing me less as they are so much older. I would recommend keeping your hand in if you can. I am trying to work my way back in, but it is hard.