Squeezed middle

[JustPassingThru]

Calling all middle managers. Where do you go to get the emotional support you sometimes need to stay sane when the going gets tough?

This week a team member (A) objected to a decision I made; she thought I was mean and inflexible; my line manager (B) thought I'd gone too far, and she over-ruled me. Later there was a full and frank exchange between A and B (I was present), which made me realise how much A does not respect me. B phoned me later and was clearly influenced by some of the things A said. I feel I am now having to prove myself to B. On Monday I have my annual review with B, then I have to review A, who clearly doesn't respect me, but I need to get her on side. Groan.

Would a mentor help me in the longer term? Or maybe I just need a helpline?!

Sorry this is so long.

It's hard to say without knowing what your decision was, but it sounds like B should have stood by you some more, or found some middle ground to allow you to pull back slightly, so that it didn't look to A as though you were being ignored. Frankly I would complain to B on how it was handled, and I would just continue with A to make sure you are just and fair in any decisions/work you give out, but don't try to get her on side, or you're probably going to look like you're desperate/being nasty because of this

It's not ideal having this happen just before your appraisals, but you need to treat it in a constructive light, and openly. You need to reflect on your contentious decision. Do you still think it was justified? Can you explain why? If you now think it was a bit OTT, do you still think your boss was heavy handed in overturning it? We can't judge, not knowing what this decision was, but sometimes it's right and justified for a team member to complain to senior management of their line manager's behaviour, and for senior management to override bad decisions. If these two are in cahoots, trying to undermine your ability to do your job, clearly that's wrong, but if you are perceived as harassing or victimising colleague A, then that needs investigation. Get it clear in your head. If you're in the wrong, admit it, and apologise. If you're getting a raw deal, say so, and escalate it if necessary.

It can be really useful to talk to someone, in confidence, who knows how things are meant to be done in your organisation, but isn't part of your line management chain. Don't count on them telling you what you want to hear, though... They'd be a rubbish mentor if they always did!

This doesn't sound right to me. You definitely don't need to get A on side, although you do need to review her fairly.

B should not have over-ruled you publicly but done you the courtesy of allowing you to change your mind rather than be undermined. Sandthorn is right that A had the right to escalate the situation if she felt your decision was wrong, but it sounds like the tone of the conversation in front of you was bad and unprofessional. You can equally escalate it to B's line manager if you feel things were handled poorly.

A mentor would give you a sounding board to help you understand whether your nose is out of joint or if you have a legitimate grievance. And help you find strategies for coping with (and asserting your authority with) people like A. But would not be able to intervene with B.

For you to be an effective manager, you need your boss on your side, so that is your first aim.
How is the relationship with the boss? The fact that you were publically overuled has now damaged your credibility so you have to work with boss to get this back.

Do you think you went too far? Is your boss justified? This is the first conversation to have. If you don't agree, you have to work with your boss to explain why not. And how this has undermined you.

Basically you need your boss's support, so in my view you need to work on this as a priority.

Then, honesty with the subordinate is needed. You can say "yes, I agree I went too far.... What I am aiming for is x in our professional relationship, how can we achieve this together?".

I don't get from your post whether a or b is unreasonable, so it's hard how to advise more. But agree that you need to have a good relationship and overt support from B in order to succeed. So you need to get your cards on the table with B and ask what B needs from you in order to give that support.

It's a tricky situation, I do have sympathy, I have a similar management structure.

Thanks for the responses. In trying to make this as succinct as possible I have managed to mislead some of you to some extent. I've tried to provide some answers below.

A and B are not in cahoots.
In no way did I harass A - I was trying to help her by offering some flexibility. In fact, A sent me several emails which were close to harassment of me (I assume they were the product of the stress she is under).
The decision itself is not the issue.
A thought I had been inflexible, and that she was disadvantaged; B thought I had been too flexible, and because A complained about my inflexibility in a petty and entitled way, B put an end to any flexibility for A.
B is generally supportive and initially backed me up in front of A, without knowing the detail (she trusted me, in other words).
B and I had a short chat alone first and I did ask if she would not speak to A until next week; this would have allowed me to go back and say 'I've discussed this with B and she's asked me to withdraw my offer of flexibility', but B wanted to speak to A there and then and I feel as if it has just made me look like I made an incompetent decision.

A is part of my team, we have something to deliver, sometimes A and I have to work closely, and there is an air of 'I know best' about her. That's why I need A on side. She has undermined me in small ways on a few occasions. I have not called her on any of them but I can see I will have to be firmer with her.

I'm not seeking to raise a grievance. B is the highest authority in our unit and if I find myself having to go above her, one of us will be leaving!

Squeegle, i think you get this issues - thanks for your comments.

Thank you. I understand a bit better now. I'm glad B is on your side. I think that A sounds a bit difficult, needs to be told what's what. You sound very nice and maybe you're in danger of bring too nice to A. In your shoes I would consider a state of the nation chat with A where you can be upfront about needing her support. But.... She needs to know your expectations and if she undermines you she needs to be pulled up! This is the only way you can earn her respect. And actually, you may not anyway, she may just be one of those difficult ones.... And if this is the case then you need to be quite tough with her (after all, sounds like she's being hard on you!)

I don't know if your organisation is able to offer any coaching. I was fortunate enough to have some of this, and while it's neutral it is also useful to get things into perspective. Helps keep you sane and to make reasonable decisions.