Unhappy little boy

[lazyeye]

Sorry seem to be moaning a lot on here recently, but this must be my major concern.

My lovely 3yr old (3yrs and 3mnths) has never been very happy at his nursery. We have had good spells and bad, but he has never been one of these children to run in and throw himself into things. We are having a particularly bad time at the moment and I'm getting daily phonecalls asking me to come and pick him up as he is just not interacting, not playing, eating etc. This is new - he has been doing all of these things in the past.

There was an incident a couple of weeks ago where he bit a member of staff. This is the first time he has done this. It is the one member of staff he has consistently said he dislikes,though I'm sure she did nothing to deserve that.

Since then things have gone from bad to worse. We are currently struggling a bit at home as well...he is very whingy and has a bit of an obsession with clothes. We have lots of rows but I don't know if this is anything out the ordinary for a 3yr old. It does occassionally cross my mind that he might be on the autistic scale. He is bright, he loves talking to slightly older children.

I'm pg with my 3rd child due in June and he has his name down for a place in the nursery of the school he will go to in Sept. I finish work in May but was hoping to keep him at nursery at least one day a week to give me some time. I've spoken to the nursery and they have suggested moving him to the pre-school grp and that he might be bored. My question is really this, with the time I have left, do I just take him out if he is so unhappy. (Every day he says to me "No nursery today mammmy - I work p/t so 4 days out of 7 he doesn't go at all). I have a good neighbour with 5 kids of her own, who though not a childminder, has offered to take him until my mat leave.

Its breaking my heart to see him so unhappy. What would you wise lot do?

Lazyeye - It certainly sounds like there is a problem at the Nursery. I would be tempted to take him out of that Nursery for a short spell. Even just to see if he changes/becomes happier?

Hope you get some good advice.

oh gosh lazyeye, my heart was breaking as I read your post. Of course, this may be because I am also pregnant (due beg July) and highly emotional but my ds who is 3.1 recently went through a terrible time at nursery. he had always been a really gentle, sociable, kind child and all of a sudden began acting very aggressively (and bit another child on one occasion which really really upset me as you can imagine)- he had just begun spending more time in pre-school (next group up), so we decided to keep him where he was (in the 2-3 age group)for a little while longer and he seems to have settled down again and gone back to "normal". They had him spending more time in pre-school as they thought he was bored but i don't think he was ready for the change, and after 18 months he still doesn't want me to leave him when I go to work. Sorry - no constructive advice, just wanted to say that you are not alone, your little boy is still utterly lovely (you don't need me to say that tho) but going through a difficult patch. x

Well - I would take him out, its just not worth it if he is unhappy and if you are anything like me, if my child is not happy then I'm not happy! He's also going to have the new baby to contend with soon and so sorting this out now rather than later should let him have a nice happy run in to the baby coming along.

I'm noe expert, but it does sound plausible that he is bored and ready to move on. Is it possible that your neighbour could do a few half days to give you more chance to rest while you are on mat leave, rather than 1 or 2 full days. If she took him in the morning for say, 3 or 4 days, that would mean that you would be better rested and maybe able to do a bit more one on one with him in the afternoon. That way you would get the rest you need and he wouldn't be so bored. Hopefully this would mean a happy mummy and a happy boy

Sorry you are going through this lazyeye. I too have a ds aged 3 (.2) and I have found this stage the hardest yet in terms of behaviour. He has been at nursery for over a year but is still upset when we take him, although he is full of fun when we pick him up. I have a couple of friends that have kids the same age and have recently moved their kids from one nursery to another and there has been a noticeable change for the better. Even though they are young at 3, I think they do know when they are just not happy and a change of environment might be a good thing. Best to get him happy before new baby arrives. Or maybe just some time out. When I was the same age I hated my first playschool so mum moved me and she said I was so much happier on the first day that she was glad she took action early. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Forgot to ask Lazyeye - have you had a proper meeting with the nursery to discuss? I think it sounds a bit off them ringing you to come and pick him up if he is not playing well
Also, if it continues like this, it will continue upsetting you as much as him and you don't want that with a new baby. Would other mumsnetters think it a good idea to change nurseries? I was afraid of doing this with my ds around the time of the new baby but this thread is giving me second thoughts.

Hi,
Hope you get some advice soon..
I would be tempted to take him out especially if your friend has offered to step in temporarily.
I have a 3yr 2 month old - we too can disagree about clothes - I have noticed with other things as well that she is desperate to assert her own mind/independentness - IYKWIM.
I go for the easy route in life I admit, but i would take him out so that life could "calm down" particularly with a new one on the way..

I'm meeting them on Friday to discuss things - I've lost faith in them a bit - I've had to ask for this meeting a couple of times.

I must admit I'm coming round to taking him out for now - its a relatively short time and to change him to another nursery and then the school one seems a bit much. I wish I could leave work now, but not possible.

I would be tempted to take him out too, but then do you think you would have trouble getting him to go back, or go to another nursery ???

I only ask this, because when i had a spell of trouble with dd1 not wanting to go to nursery, the teacher said to me "by all means take her home if you feel it's best, but it will be even harder then to get her to come back again".
When i thought about it, she was right. My dd would of just fought even harder not to go back.

I agree with madgirl though, you really need to have a meeting with the nursery.

if you have had to push for a meeting with them then i think that is cr*p. i would take him out. i know a couple of kids who have not settled at one particular nursery but have been fine at another. good luckx

I agree with the others and would follow my gut instincts and take him out. It's not unusual to go through stages of not wanting to go to nursery I think, but this sounds like a little more than just a stage. Also, although many children might ask not to go or cry when they are first delievered, they are normally happy throughout the day. I do find it strange that the stuff ask you to pick him up. Perhaps the nursery just isn't very good. Perhaps they aren't giving him 1-2-1 attention. I think a good nursery would recognise that some children need a little more attention and don't play so well in group and also help the children through their various "stages" of likes/dislikes etc.....

Lazyeye, sorry, I haven't caught up with your other threads, but does it seem likely that he might be reacting to the fact that you are pregnant? Is he aware of any impending changes, anxious about sharing space with a baby etc? Could he be reluctant to leave you alone with the 'bump'? Are any preparations at home unsettling him?

I'd take him out of nursery. In fact, I did take my son out of nursery in January because he was unhappy there. Like yours, he's happier one on one or with a small group, he loves his mummy, daddy, sister and grandma and hates lots of noise - actually puts his fingers in his ears if children are too loud. I just think nursery was too much for him. He's much happier out and I'm much less stressed not worrying about him crying at nursery.

I think it might be worth giving him a chance in the pre-school group. Maybe give him a month (?) trial period in there and see if being with older children with older activities makes him happier. This would also give you the chance to sort out alternative arrangements and be happy that they're going to work. If he's never been happy there then I'm not sure things would change by moving him up a group but it's certainly worth a try.

Do you think he will be happier with your neighbour? Can you also give him a trial period with her to see if he settles and to work out where he's happiest?

The only problem with the neighbour is that if she is looking after your son in her home for "reward", I think legally she should be a registered childminder. Personally I can't see the problem if you are both happy but I thought I should point that out.

I hope you find the solution to this.

My son was only settled at nursery between about 10-18 months; thereafter 2 years of unhappiness and fussing about being left there. Never again. My gut feeling in your situation is take him out, let the neighbour have him and otherwise look at playgroup for when the baby comes we called it "playschool" even if it was attached to a school and called "Nursery" by the school. DS is now 4yo and still has a physical reaction to the word "Nursery". DS loved "playschool" started "playschool" at 3y+1 month. Or a childminder, which again, is just a very different environment to nursery, and DS never fussed about going to the CM, either.
I don't think it was a bad nursery, just not the right environment for DS. Too much routine, too little one-to-one, hated being in one environment all day... This is why I'm such a huge fan of childminders, now.

My DD was at her first nurery from 9months until 3.5yrs - I always thought crying when I dropped her off and clinging to me was normal, how guilty I feel now since I changed her nursery that every single day since she started she has run in with absolutely no objections - makes me feel very bad that maybe she really was miserable at the last one

Mrs Grump - snap on the 'problems' with nursery for some children (I know others do love it). My ds felt just like yours I'm sure and thanks for the tip about playschool. will definitely use it. My ds also starts to cry if I mention the word nursery, even the other day I said we'd sing some nursery rhymes and he immediately said, "I don't want to go to nursery' and got a trembly lip

lazyeye - when I was pregnant my ds (he was 2.5) started acting differently at nursery. He had a phase of being aggressive to the other children, biting etc. Not quite the same as your situation as he was very happy and settled there - I trusted his carers and they kept me updated. Their view was it was all a reaction to the impending baby, and they were right - as soon as dd was born he was back to his old self - almost the same week - and no more problems. I think once she had arrived he could deal with it, but while I was pregnant he was obviously stressed about it and what it would mean. So it might be that your ds is worried about the new baby - it does sound as though he's testing you at home too.....

Lazyeye, have you thought any more about what to do? i was wondering about you and your ds today.....

My dd2 was never really happy to go to nursery and never interacted very much with other children there - I know she would much rather have stayed at home with me. As she only went for 2 mornings a week I kept her there (still don't know to this day whether I was right - wish I'd known about mumsnet if it was around then) especially as she was starting school at 4 yrs 3 months.
As far as clothes is concerned I too used to worry about her being on the autistic spectrum - she was very definite about what she would/wouldn't wear. We were always late taking dd1 to school because dd2 would do her shoes up over and over again to make sure that velcro strap was in exactly right place! I'm happy to say she has grown out of this. She's still very quiet at school (now nearly 8) and often says she doesn't want to go but I think this is just her personality - she's fine at home.
Perhaps you could explore the pre-school offer for the summer term - it would then mean he has some continuity before and after the birth. Anyway, good luck Lazyeye - hope it goes well.