To Work or not to work

[racmun]

I'm currently a SAHM having given up a well paid career 4 years ago. I trained for 6 years to get into my profession but hated the pressure and long hours so when the opportunity arose to get out I jumped at it.

However, Just recently quite a few of my friends have gone back to work or got new jobs and I am feeling left behind, that combined with being slightly bored of being at home all the time I am starting to think I should consider getting a job.

I have the opportunity of a part time job 3 days a week in my old profession which when I think about just that I want to do it but the thought of not being there for the children makes me feel really sad and upset. I love being there when ds comes out of school.

There isn't an option for DH helping with childcare so we would need to get a childminder or nursery for the youngest and I just feel really guilty and don't know if I can do it.
We don't need the money so I feel that I would be selfish going back to work but at the same time I don't want to look back in 10 years time and regret throwing it all away.

Can anyone share their stories if you were in a similar position and how it all worked out for you.
Thanks

Go back honey !! You never know when you need Extra money in life trust me it's a sincere advise you are lucky you have offers some people are struggling to find one .and yes if have spare send them to me lol just joking

I did throw it all away and many years later I still wonder if I was right. At the time, the logistics, and the needs of DD2, seemed insurmountable and we did not need the money either.

I felt I was treated as a second class citizen (by friends!) for not working because people always seem to be defined by what paid job they do, not what other things they contribute to society. I did go back part time after my first DD (pro rata on the same pay scale, but a different job) but did not go back at all after 2nd DD but she had a lot of separation and feeding problems which was a great influence on my decision at the time. I would have felt guilty about leaving her with someone else and I did like being able to go to everything at school.

I had, however, worked for 23 years before giving up on my career and I honestly believe I grieved at the loss of it and having my own money though because there was a finality about my decision. I knew I would never get that level of job again. I left school without A levels and it took me until my early 30s and 7 years of part time study to get a good job and actually feel I was making progress in my career. Working full time and studying is really hard work. Do you have the option of going back when your children are at school and adjust your hours around the school day? I did some part time evening work, after DH was home, and occasionally work in the day. It was much lower paid, but I did quite enjoy it and of course it was less responsibility so no worry attached to it. Could you do this? It is a very hard decision to make and really it comes down to whether your profession defines you or whether you can exist, happily, without it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Fellow lawyer?

Yes a fellow lawyer! How d'ya guess?

I've been out for 4 years and I just think if I leave it much longer then I won't get back in.

I'm totally torn dh is away a lot and gets back late so in the week the children only have me and for us it feels better because they have all of me if that makes sense. I just worry about how much parental input there will be. Is that ridiculous- everyone else seems to manage it fine!

I always found my job all consuming so wondering how I'll cope.

Dh says he's happy whatever I do - but am pretty anxious as to school holidays and stuff.

I think as I am typing this I am veering towards bit doing it!

.. Towards not doing it

I am in the same position as you OP. I have decided to wait until my youngest DC starts school to (try and) get a job. This is only Sept, so not too long to wait now, but I have wanted to go back for a while now. In the meantime, I have taken up some voluntary work one evening a week and its great! I really love doing something for myself.

If you have a long time to wait until your youngest starts school then I would advise to go back to work now if you can. In my case, the feeling of wanting to go back just got stronger with passing time.

It is hard. I have just received a curved ball, a recruiter suggesting me to apply for a full-time job in my old industry and I did to get a chance to update my CV (7 years SAHM to a 7 yo, a 5 yo and a 2.5. Yo)... Well I am now the top candidate and looking through nanny / wrap around care costings and wondering if I have not gone mad and why am I not withdrawing my application now. It is nice to be wanted but the impact on our family lifestyle would be devastating.

Any advice welcome.

In your situation, as you are looking at 3 days a week, I would say try it out, with a September start to see the children this summer, and adjust if it does not work out.

Your happiness, long term, is part of your children's well being. They won't be little forever, and you pursuing your own life goals will make you a better parent.

So rather than this job, focus on what you want out if life. In the long term.

As an older child and teenager I felt the pressure of a mother who was overly focused on us, for a while when she did have a more demanding job and it was quite freeing!

Think widely. This job could be good, or a stepping stone back in which enables you to change to something else quite soon:

What about this profession, different job or way of working? I've used a couple of network law firms which offer more affordable advice to clients and, I imagine, freelance flexible working for legal mums.

Or a change of direction when both your kids are at school, starting your own business in a similar or different field?

What do you like about working? Money? Challenge? Freedom? Achievement? Structure? Friendship?

I agree with sheryl Sandberg, if you're going back, get the best job you can. But 'best' for you isn't necessarily senior/ demanding / well paid (though it might be).

If you could magic your ideal job now, or in five years time, what would it be like?

Also childcare doesn't have to be second best. If you can afford it you can find and hire someone you like and can bring things to your kids. Once I got the hang of it I enjoy having a nanny, someone who is as obsessed with pfb as I am, who brings new ideas and energy.

Working works for me, now and for the long haul. Makes me better mother. Stand back and think about what would make you happy and purse that.

Also: my DH also had a demanding job (city) though I am part time I carry responsibility at work. I am v robust that he does a share (he does mornings) and that his job is not more important, so sometimes he has to push back on his work demands as I've got, say, an evening commitment. It's not easy for him but he does it, bless him. If you are going back to a job with responsibilities, even part time, your DH needs to help out at home more. For me, it doesn't have to be 50/50 but it does have to be shared, otherwise it's too much pressure.

Good luck whatever you decide

There isn't an option for DH helping with childcare

I'd start by challenging this. What line of work is he in?

FrequentFlyer you're their top choice candidate and not sure what to do?
EASY: get back in there and negotiate for what you want.

Everything is negotiable, not just the money. Want to work 4 days a week? One day from home? Have an agreed time to leave the office?

When they offer you the job, ask for what you want. I asked for, and got 4 days a week.

If la Sandberg am be chief operating officer of Facebook and ring fence 5pm tea with her kids everyday I'm sure they can accommodate you.

I would seriously think about going back! 20 years ago I gave up my career to have a family. After maternity leave ended i had the option of going back full time or nothing. There was no flexible hours or part time then (at least not offered to me by my firm). We didn't have family near us to help with CC, DH worked long hours with a long commute so I decided not to go back ...I then fell pregnant again and so that was that! Since then I've worked at small part time roles not connected to my original career, thrown myself into voluntary work for the community and got a degree. My dcs are now teenagers, one is at uni and I'm now looking to go back to work with the added bonus that I now have a degree. Trouble is, no one will even interview me as my career work experience is too out of date...

So do try to go back part time to keep your skills, experience and CV up to date.

DougalTheCheshireCat after much soul searching, it is what I intend to do. It is a win win, if they say yes, I get a super job with hours I want, if they say no, I am free to find the right one.

Thanks for everyone's input. there is no point challenging dh's ability to help with drop off etc- he is often away each week that is his job. He earns about 4 times what I will so financially it won't work, if he changed jobs so I could take this one, Our books just wouldn't balance.

I've taken a step back and had a think dd is only six months old and for me that is just too young to leave her.

I am going to enjoy my time with her and I'm pretty sure another opportunity (of sone sort) will arise in a year or so.