Was on a disciplinary for poor performance before maternity..what will happen when I go back?

[workfears]

Sorry for long post....

I am currently on mat leave, I have 3 children. 2 at school and the baby.
I have worked for same large corp for about 9 years. Over the last 2 years things have not been going so well. I've found the job increasingly boring and not suited well to my skills. The org. has changed a lot and the job has morphed into something that just isn't 'me'. I've thrown myself into the changes nevertheless and worked hard but this has all coincided with me trying to work part-time, which in a very fast paced company, was a challenge too far. Much to my shame, I was put on a formal performance management plan. I fulfilled all the initial goals that were set for me but was then told that the goal posts had moved, the organisation was changing and more was required of me - so I needed to stay on it. I ended up suffering from ( undiagnosed) depression and my self-esteem was rock bottom. I kept on trying though even though I knew it would be possible to get a 'deal' and walk away quietly. I really wanted to succeed.
When I told them I was pregnant though the performance plan was more or less thrown in the bin.
I'm now over half way through mat leave ( hoping to take 12 months off) but for nearly the whole time I've been worried about going back. I'm also getting over ( diagnosed) PND which I think I was vulnerable to due to the work depression. Whilst I've been away I've heard of quite a few people leaving. Word is they have been performance managed out. .Seems like there has been a bit of a cull and I'm sure I would have been one of them by now if I wasn't on mat leave.
I do want to and need to go back. I am the main breadwinner. But am I likely to go straight back on a disciplinary?I don't think I can face it. I'm not sure even how to bring it up when I have initial conversations with HR and manager. I will need to employ a full time nanny if I go back but I'm worried I"ll go back just to be shoved out a few weeks or months later. I"m not sure if I'll be allowed a 'fresh start' or if it the performance plan will just kick in again.
Any HR people on here have any ideas? Should I bring it up or hope they've forgotten about it (!). There has been another massive re-org since I've been away. Anyone have any experience of this?

Sorry to hear about all of this. I know what the performance management processes are like in big companies and it is a very stressful thing to go through.
Do you really want to go back to a job that isn't "you"? Is there another role in the organisation that would suit you better? I suppose going back to work is hard enough without having this hanging over you.

I would much prefer to go back to a different job within the same organisation. Just not sure that I would be able to - I'd have to apply and interview but with my recent performance record I don't see why they would take me on when they have no shortage of candidates for roles. SO the only choice might be going back to the old role...

I think they would consider you if it was clear that the old job was not a good fit, but you have good skills and competencies that would be transferable into a different role.

It is definitely worth a shot, I would discuss with HR. There is no point going back into a miserable situation.

I work in HR. Were you given a performance warning? These usually expire after 12 months so the warning will no longer be live by the time you return. However, even though your formal warning will have expired your managers may still have concerns and be monitoring your performance informally which may put you under a certain amount of pressure.

Depending on how easy it would be to get another job, I may think about looking elsewhere - or returning to work to get yourself up to speed and back in the saddle then looking elsewhere in a few months if you feel you are being 'monitored' too closely.

It's not nice to be on performance management, and you can feel like you're swimming against the tide trying to prove yourself innocent once your manager has concerns about you.

So you need to decide if its worth the stress. Good luck.

That sounds like a nightmare PM regime - and we public sector workers think we have it hard! I don't think I would be wanting to go back to that company at all. Would it be realistic financially for you to find something that pays a bit less and your DP to aim higher? Sorry if that sounds patronisingly simplistic.

I had a bitch of a PManager before maternity leave and I spent most of the time dreading going back. I made a complaint at the time though and insisted on a different manager afterwards.