Torn between staying in my job and leaving

[WordOfTheDay]

I have a very good, well-paid managerial job (5 years) I'm quite low on energy, tired of the frustrations of the job and know I'm not that good at it.

I swing a lot between 1) thinking it's going okay and I can continue on earning my high salary and fab pension, 2) wanting to leave it and not work for a while and then freelance and 3) thinking I should try and make an effort to change my thinking/way of working/get a work coach and start feeling and doing my job better as it is a very good job with fab benefits.

My thinking/feelings about all this vacillate regularly, and it's been going on like this for more than three years. I've been to see some psychologists, but that hasn't made any difference. i never feel I want to change to another staff position, but I've also never been freelance before. The big complicating factor is that my partner does not think it is a good idea to go freelance, for my future personal well-being, for my future financial well-being or for our relationship (he is retired and at home a lot).

Has anyone found themselves in a similar dilemma? Or have advice on how to come to a decision when I change my mind so often and the stakes are so high?

You need to map out the freelance options in detail and work out the possible scenarios - from outstanding scccess - through to total disaster.
Draw this plan up in writing. Work on it. Discuss it with partner and as many other trusted people as possible. I went through this situation. Feel free to direct message me if you wish.

I can't advise you on what to do, but I recognise your situation. I'm also thinking of giving up a job I love, but just doesn't work around my kids. It's full time and I just can't face the guilt of putting them in a childcare for the whole of the summer holidays as I just don't get enough holiday to be with them (20 days a year).

I've also been vacillating between thinking I will give it up one week to loving my job and looking at au pairs the next. However, I've been feeling like this for so long I am forced to face the fact that it isn't working. And try and make a decision based on that.

I'm also going to be looking for freelance work, which will be easier said than done. But as someone said to me - freelance is like dating, you don't know what's out there till you're doing it! Make a plan of who you're going to approach initially and I'm sure that will evolve and develop - that's what I'm hoping anyway...

Im planning on doing the same thing. The way I see it isthst you never know how you will do until you take the chance. I know its easier said than done. Do you have a plan of what you can do if it all goes pear shaped? Could you easily get back into something? If you have it may give you some confidence

Im planning on doing the same thing. The way I see it isthst you never know how you will do until you take the chance. I know its easier said than done. Do you have a plan of what you can do if it all goes pear shaped? Could you easily get back into something? If you have it may give you some confidence

I actually think more/better counselling is what you need first. These are self worth issues (I'm very familiar with) and you must hit them head on, I'm contracting now and you get less validation from people you don't have a long term work relationship with. I don't think you've found the right counsellor yet. I did cbt years ago for negative thought patterns, it helped a lot.

Also, although freelance in theory allows more flexibility, the firms I deal with offer less flexibility to contractors, it depends on field but be careful if you have flexibility now, you could find that not the case when non permanent.

Hello all, Thank you very much for responding to my OP. I really appreciate it. I'll post tomorrow pm with my reactions (have guests - have been tied up for the last two days).

Bigsooze I think that your insight that you've been vacillating "so long that you are forced to face the fact that it's not working" is really interesting: the fact that you or I are periodically optimistic about our work makes us think that we should certainly not do something as drastic as resign; however, perhaps the fact that the vacillation has been going on for so, so long, may, as a phenomenon be enough to outweigh the fact that our work is often fine. The vacillation can seem to be an indicator of uncertainty, but can also be read as an indicator of a certain certainty! Nice one.

Oh and Bigsooze, I talked to the doctor at work about my thinking and she made an interesting point about the vast amount of energy (you and) I have expended over the years being confused, worrying, thinking about the issue, being upset about things, etc. - saying that it would be better to be spending that energy not on mulling indefinitely over making a decision, but on throwing yourself into your new endeavours. It can all take a bit of a very subtle toll on your physical health too, of course. I think that the huge waste of emotional energy goes to your argument that protracted vacillation in and of itself may mean that continuing in the job is not the best thing for a person.

just1moretime You are absolutely right that you never know how you will do until you take the chance. It's going to be a bit of a big leap into the unknown to stop being an employee, with all the structures that go with that. A leap into the unknown is a good thing, I think, to break out of the routine and the known and have room to grow and explore rather than sit subdued in the security and constraints of full-time employment.

I actually think that my being a full-time employee, even at a managerial level, is stifling my personal and even professional development. You would think that there is a lot of opportunity in the workplace, but I suspect that I would get a more out of being in the outside world, though I'm not sure about this as I'm not a very sociable person.

To LancashireMan and everyone else who have advised me to plan thoroughly and be cautious before contemplating freelancing: I have massive savings (I have no children) and a small rental income, so am currently not concerned as to whether I will earn enough money as a freelance. Obviously, I don't want to deplete my capital on any significant scale to cover my living expenses, but I, perhaps unwisely, can't imagine being able to make enough to money from freelancing to cover my living costs. Maybe I should think more about this to check that I'm being realistic. How could it be that I think I needn't be concerned, when the rest of the population has to be very judicious about earning a livelihood?

Gen35I'm taking your advise seriously. I agree that I have self-esteem issues that are preventing me from thriving in my job and that they will still be there if I leave my job. I'm imagining, however, that if I leave my job, I will have lots more time for personal development and my self-esteem will rise through having chosen my own path, doing new things and, hopefully, through being paid directly for my work. However, it's true that doing CBT while I'm in my job may mean that I'll be able to see things differently and thrive in the job. I'll look into CBT in my area. Perhaps that could be my final attempt to gain contentment in my job. If it works, all the better!

I am not in the same type of job as you but can totally relate to your situation. I was unhappy in my job and tried to convince myself I could battle on and that I needed to become tougher, more confident etc. I think you have to ask is this situation making you miserable? is it affecting your day to day life by thinking about your situation? How long do you want to spend being like this? My husband was absolutely no good to go to for advice. I had to earn a certain amount of money and I knew if I changed my job It would mean a drop in salary. Talk to someone professional and make a change. Could you perhaps get another job you are more satisfied in instead of freelance. your partner maybe more concerned about how this will affect him and not how you are feeling? Once you have made one or two changes you will see the way forward.

Hi fuddle, Yes, I also suspect that my DP that likes the status quo and is not too hot on the idea of me revolutionising his world, so to speak. He was also a bit of a workaholic when he worked and he can't fathom the idea of jacking in a good job, pension, etc., when there is no objective problem at work unless it's to go to another good job. You refer to making one or two changes and then seeing the way forward. What kind of changes are you thinking of? I've addes your questions to the list of things to think of.

I can't advise in your sector or re freelance etc but recognise similar issues with being very full time and struggling with holiday cover like some other posters.
Re self esteem.... I would say you need more confidence freelance than employed because in employment you feel part of the organisation and have some prestige from that.
It's tricky but be careful how you handle it... If you present it as a temporary say 12 month issue you may be allowed back afterwards... Don't burn your bridges.

Good luck op, if you can change your thinking, you will be so much happier in general. I do agree about the stress of indecision though, no decision is irreversible, true you may not get your old job back, but you can get another permanent job if freelancing doesn't quite work out and if you have good savings then perhaps it is time to try something new.

I was working on a nurse bank for nine years. The money was good but and head was saying continue, my heart was saying no. I was getting worked up about going into work, stressed. Some weeks were good and others awful. it boiled down to not having enough support and that will not change due to the nature of the work. So I started to apply for other jobs and went for interviews. I didn't know what I wanted and it nearly drove me mad. I knew I had to make a certain amount of money ( my husband's salary is not great etc.) and I knew I had to be happy in my work. Now I am working in a care home, the money is crap, and it was very difficult to adjust to. it has allowed me to look at things more objectively. I am enjoying my work now and still do bank but it is not my only job. In my old job I had just as much responsibility as every staff nurse which is only right but no consideration is given to not knowing the patients, the ward or the staff very well and it is very very busy and demanding. The time to move on has to be right for you, I didn't try counselling but talked to my friends. I think jobs can vary so significantly as I consider myself easy to get on with people, although I am very sensitive. Some wards are nice and others have horrible staff and horrible atmospheres. Hope this helps. Getting professional help may help you make a decision quicker.

Think i have repeated myself abit!