Anyone else feeling this way when situation seems so fortunate in many ways?

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I have hesitated for weeks before posting this, but I'd really like to hear if anyone can relate to how I'm feeling. I have no intention of starting a Working / SAH mum debate or anything similar. Just wondered if anyone felt a little trapped by circumstance / earlier choices?

I have a degree but worked unrelated to this in media and took redundancy when pregnant with DC2. Enjoyed being SAHM for five years, but wanted to work once DCs all at school. Felt I couldn't go back to media because we had moved further out in London - longer commute. Skills out of date. No family to help out with childcare. Cost of childcare. Who would look after kids in holidays? etc. I liked helping out at school so re-trained as a Teaching Assistant. Loved course & placement and got a local job working part-time. Its perfect - no childcare costs because I work between drop off and pick ups term time only. I've been there 3 years now.

My problem is that as my DCs have got older (now 8 & 11). I constantly feel that I should be doing more. I should have a better job/career. That I am not achieving my potential and that I'm letting the side down? DH is lovely and supportive, but thinks I am capable of more. He means this as a compliment, but it often makes me feel sad. I worry that he's disappointed in me. I haven't got PA, HR, PR, Finance type background that part-time jobs all seem to require. I do all the childcare. DH is not be able to help with this. No family nearby to help (also busy enjoying their retirement!). I have considered teaching, but to train I would have the same childcare issues and ultimately a job that doesn't seem as 'family friendly' as it first appears. The teachers I work with all work very hard at home after school and in holidays. Also since we are fortunate enough to be able to live on DH salary, it seems somehow unfair to ask the kids to be in childcare so much. Finally, my eldest starts secondary in September, 11 years old seems young to be home alone until 6pm and childcare options (other than family) appear to be for primary children only. I know that I probably sound like I'm making excuses!

Just wondered if anyone else was in a similar position? Most mums I meet seem to have negotiated 2-3 days per week working after maternity and have family helping out in school holidays. Even if I hadn't taken redundancy (which seemed like a gift-horse at the time) I had been told that 3 day week was not an option. I find I'm envious of their future prospects.

I should mention that I am in my early 40s, so may also be having a mini life crisis! Certainly feel lately that options are a lot more limited!

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

My DH is a TA and mentioned this very concern to me last night. He also feels as if he should be doing more.

Tbh it wouldnt bother me a jot if he stayed in that job forever. He adores it, it means holiday childcare will never be an issue, he is fantastic at it, and it is so family friendly.

Could the issue be an unsupprtive DH rather than a personal desire to work elsewhere?

I have gone back to my original career 3 days a week, and I still feel I could be accomplishing more.

I try and tell myself that it is not comparable to think about what I could do pre dc and what I can reasonably do now - and I have lots of family to support me.

If I was doing a job that I felt didn't tax me mentally then I would feel this all the more I am sure.

Perhaps one option would be to wait until both DC are at secondary? You can then concentrate on what you want to do, and put your career at the forefront again?

Hmm, if you enjoy your job and it's other people making you feel like you shouldn't be I would be inclined to tell them to fuck off.
Also does your supportive dh realise that if you find employment elsewhere he will have to step up and help to a lot more? I don't think dps realise just how much goes on behind the scenes when a dp does the
Majority of the child care.
On the other hand if you really feel you should be doing more have you considered an open university course if you combine and interest with a career you are onto a winner.

Interesting-I have a 4yo & 9 month old. Starting new job on Thurs, every day but 9am-1pm. It's min wage but 2 miles away & will suit when ds starts school in Sep so kind of ideal.

This will be an 80% pay cut from my last job tho working less hours. I also feel that my previous management skills & achievements are almost useless now & in a couple of years when both in school I will feel let down about my career even though being the primary parent is what I want most now & we've also moved from big city to little rural place for better lifestyle.

I don't know that there are many options-like you say retraining is time & financially costly-I think starting your own business may be the thing. I'm trying to find something that I'm passionate enough about to do that with low start up costs. Difficult as I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!

Am thinking of kids party catering but don't feel that I'm that into it. Is the feeling of being adrift isn't it? I'm okish now but think I'll be like you in a year or two. I feel a bit apologetic when people ask what I do!

Watching with interest!

Op I am in the same shoes.

I took redundancy from a media job during my second pregnancy and when I tried to go back 2 years later the response was 'thanks but no thanks,' so many hungry young things just out of university and desperate for a job. Fair enough, I thought.

I work part time for the emergency GP OOH service which fits around my young children but the work is routine (punctuated by moments of sheer terror) and it is very much a clock on/ clock off job.

I have a second degree (almost) due a distinction, am going to apply for teacher training. I feel enthusiastic about teaching much subject, about using creativity, using my brain.

But then I too wonder if this is just a mid life crisis. At 40 should I be retraining? I would be qualified at 43! Maybe I should just get a little job in a cake shop or something.

Ultimately it's up to you to think about whether you are now feeling a bit 'under employed ' and unstimulated by this job now. It's all very well other people thinking things but at the end of the day it's you doing the job. And it's nothing to be ashamed of if you do feel you want something more... Being a teacher assistant is an extremely worthwhile role but I know from friends who've done it that it's rubbish pay, and you don't get responsibility in the way you would as a teacher. That's exactly the reason many people like it when their children are small, but you've gone beyond that position now and are perhaps ready for something more challenging?

One point... Because you've never had to use childcare til now, your post comes across a little as though you're looking to still manage a way round having to sort it. Realistically if you go for something more demanding than this job, I think you'll just have to bite the bullet and accept that childcare is part of the package. Most jobs which fit school hours and school holidays will be lower level stuff; there are exceptions, but as you're finding, it not easy.
When my children started secondary school, we still used childcare for a while as I wasnt happy for them to be alone til 6pm, but for holidays we employed a local student on vacation from Uni. This worked brilliantly- the kids felt they had a cool person to hang out with rather than being 'minded' and most students are desperate for cash so win win. I know the logistics seem tricky with older kids as they outgrow childminders and clubs, but there are ways around it if you're determined and take a creative approach

Thank you for all the replies. I often feel a little alone in my situation and its reassuring to know that this perhaps isn't the case.

ThinkIveBeenHacked it's interesting that you're DH is a TA and feeling the same. Can I ask, what did he do beforehand? Does he miss what he did previously? I should also say I had a great day yesterday teaching a small group and felt a lot better!

The BogQueen - our situations are similar aren't they? I looked into teacher training a lot. What are your plans for your PGCE year for childcare? I've heard it's very tough to do. I'm not sure I want to be a teacher enough!

janey68 - I would use some childcare and I like your Uni student idea. However, jobs I can do simply do not pay enough to cover it. Media jobs are full-time in Central London which would mean long days. In hindsight, I think keeping your job 'open' is the best way to go. I think our moving further out in London hasn't helped because it makes any commute much longer - over an hour! The media industry is almost exclusively Soho & Shoreditch.

I've now realised that getting back to work after being a SAHM is very very limited (in my experience). I would be interested in hearing from anyone else whose found the same.

He has always worked with kids. He used to run outward bound activity sessions/weeks so a lot less family friendly.

I know it is very hard. I am one of the lucky ones who managed to hold on to my career despite having 4 children and zero family help. However it has been extremely hard and very stressful.

However both dh and I actively chose a flexible employer and carefully picked roles that suited as much as possible our set up. Dh turned down director roles as that would have meant a lot more travel and less flexibility and I am finding similar compromises at times a bit difficult.

I would focus on what you have and perhaps where you can build on, teaching seems the obvious one. Obviosly childcare will be an issue but many teachers use childminders so I assume its doable. Good luck, I know its hard I am early 40s too..

I was in a similar situation too OP, I gave up my full time career to become a SAHM when my DS was born. 5 years ago I started my own business which was brilliant as I could work pt hours to suit but now that my DS is 14 and less reliant on me I have been feeling more and more unfulfilled.

I have decided to pursue a career in a completely different field which will mean going back to college for 4 years to retrain using my earnings from my business to fund my course fees. I realise that I am in a lucky position in that DH is able to support us while I retrain.

I've no solutions for your situation but I do understand what you are going through. I was perfectly happy with my choice to be a SAHM while my DS was younger but as he has got older I have found it hard coping with the growing feelings of dissatisfaction. I'm also in my early 40's so maybe it is a mid life crisis!

You either take the hit when they are little (miss them, worry about childcare and cry at nasty mums net threads in vulnerable moments) or take the hit later when they are at school and you have been out of work for five plus years.

Whilst few men take any hit on their career from becoming fathers.

It is hard and still terribly unfair.

Pommedeterre - that is the honest truth. It's so hard to win. I 've friends who have managed but mainly work in public sector and had access to flexible hours.

OP - My husband is self employed. When I had the first of my three children we were both aged 30 and he worked 12/14 hour days getting the business going. Now he can relax a little - so for childcare we were planning for him to collect the children from school, give dinner and then when I get back (around 6/7pm) we will eat and then work on through the evening.

I come from a long line of teachers. I know that in term time I am owned by the school.
I do wonder if I still have the energy, the physical health.

You either take the hit when they are little (miss them, worry about childcare and cry at nasty mums net threads in vulnerable moments) or take the hit later when they are at school and you have been out of work for five plus years.

This is so true, Mothers are dammed if they do, dammed if they don't.

Doh, damned not dammed

MotherOfChickens - I'm intrigued; what are you retraining to do?