Support before and after bereavement

[gaelicsheep]

Hi. I know what to expect - zero, except for kindly allowing me to take unpaid leave to nurse my dying mum. I know I'm expected back into work on Monday (Mum died on Thursday evening) and I have to because I can't afford any more unpaid time off, plus I've used two of the allotted three weeks already and I need time off for the funeral next week.

My question is, what would you normally expect? It is very clear to me that being signed off would be frowned on and would obviously go on my sickness records for all future employers to see. I guess I'm trying to understand if my employers are being unusually unsympathetic, or if it's normal. My contract allows for two days compassionate leave in any one year, but I'd already taken that for my husband's hospital appointments.

Honest answers appreciated please. Don't beat around the bush for fear of upsetting me. Just don't know what to do tomorrow. I still feel numb and unable to interact with my children effectively, let alone clients. I've been trying to fast track my feelings by spending a lot of time by myself and sleeping, but I'm not sure it's working fast enough. The last week of caring for Mum was really harrowing and I can't get it out of my mind. I know not one single person in my team (mostly geeky males) will really understand.

I work in the public sector. When my mum died suddenly, I was immediately given two weeks of paid special leave (at the discretion of our director, and very generous, I know). After that, I had to take another week or so (sorry, can't remember exactly) of sick leave, because I was still suffering with panic attacks. Management were nothing but sympathetic, and I'm sure they got me back to full capacity quicker because of it.

I've been thinking about this and whatever the size of company, there's no excuse for this type of behaviour.

Even if the company can't allow for any time off (highly doubtful with a bit of compromise and shuffling), there is absolutely no excuse why her manager didn't have a meeting on her return to work.

"Hello gaelic, just following up on your bereavement last week and want to pass on my condolences. Regarding your work, I want to accommodate your needs as much as possible at this time. As you know, we have project x which needs to completed by x date. Unfortunately only you can do x part of this so if you could still provide that presentation/spreadsheet/whatever, it would be greatly appreciated. After that, we could shuffle some things around so you can have an extra day of next week before the funeral. And if you need to come in late or leave early, just let me know in advance and I'll do my best to help. I'm sure you have lots to organise."

That's not impossible in any company and would make the OP instantly feel 10x better for being treated compassionately.

Twats.

It sounds like a horrible place to work. I think I'd be tempted to just hand my notice in too, and make it abundantly clear why.

When my mum died (on the Wednesday) I took 2 days off (Thursday and Friday) then was back in the following Monday. I then took the Wed, Thu and Fri of that week off for the funeral and aftermath. But I was working for my dad at the time so it was very different; he did similar and we're both very much the type that likes to keep busy, plus it was a lovely place to work with loads of support. It doesn't sound like you have that luxury.

Really sorry for your loss, and the awful time you've been having.

Unfortunately my employers are not very sympathetic. I had an operation at the beginning of the year and then time off later in the year due to a virus and my Dad being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was put on a 6 month "improvement plan" and was not allowed any more sick time as otherwise I would be disciplined.

Unfortunately the one year prognosis for Dad turned into 4 weeks and I went into work fully intending to do my job as a nurse. I was in a dreadful state and spoke to my matron. She told me I should be working.....

I walked out that day with the support of my immediate colleagues and was signed off sick until he died. It was the best thing I did. I was dreading going back and was having anxiety attacks because of it but I shouldn't have worried as my immediate boss blanked me on my first day back and the next one up didn't speak to me for a month except through gritted teeth.

I'm so sorry about your mum. How are you doing?

It's not too late to get signed off now, I don't say that lightly. You need to understand it's possible the full force if her death has not hit you yet.