female boss being extremely unpleasant re my pregnancy

[KBruin]

Hi all! Am new to mumsnet, pregnant for the first time - 12 weeks. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle a female boss who is behaving in a particularly challenging and hostile way regarding my pregnancy?

Unfortunately she is our HR / Legal Counsel within the business so I really have nowhere to turn right now!

Our pregnancy has been slightly compromised, resulting in a number of maternity and hospital appointments which meant I had to tell her about the pregnancy before i really wanted to.

Her instant reaction was to tell me that i am ‘not sick’ i am ‘pregnant’ – and that my attendance is not expected to dip (i have been employed by this company for over four years and have never taken any more than 5 or 6 days sick a year – ever!).

Upon producing all letters and documents as requested she told me that ‘an appointment starting at 12:00 means you can be back at work by 14:00’. I tried to explain that this is the NHS and things may take longer, etc. She said ‘they had better not’, spun on her heel and walked away.

We had further issues yesterday at the hospital meaning that what was supposed to be a quick appointment became protracted by more tests. Because this happened on the spot i do not have supporting letters and she is being incredibly unpleasant about it. This morning she started talking – VERY LOUDLY – re my pregnancy in our open plan office when this is actually something i wish to remain private. She has not asked re my wellbeing or the babies, or even how we are doing. She sneers and is trying to make me feel as awful as possible for wanting to attend these appointments. She can see that I am exhausted, stressed and worried for the health of my baby and almost seems to be enjoying it!!

The complications within the pregnancy are making things tough enough and right now i am torn between bawling my eyes out with frustration and smacking her teeth down her throat (pregnancy hormones!!)

Has anyone experienced, or is experiencing a similar issue, and what are the best ways to handle this? I will be working here until the end of May and I really don’t think I can cope with her nasty attitude for another 4 months! She is in her 40s and has chosen not to have children.

Thanks so much! x

Wow - it's actually incredible, reading all of your experiences - how can people treat other people like this?! Despite your personal struggles surely you have a professional responsibility as a senior individual to shelve that and be - professional!?

Mrscog if you ever fancy a trip to London to act as my spokeswoman just let me know!!

It's disgraceful. It makes me particularly sad that women treat other women this way.

I have a meeting with my boss coming up soon to discuss potential return to work. Now that I'm no longer pregnant and vulnerable I doubt she'll give me any crap. But if she does she'll be getting short shrift from me. In fact I'm a little bit hoping she does try!

Any preg related absence can't be counted against you. She knows that if she's legal counsel so she's deliberately bullying you. I'd ask her to explain exactly what she means in writing if she mentions it again. Then you have proof if you do need to take it further. If she doesn't put it in writing then you've called her bluff.

If you are stressed and unhappy and it's affecting your health see your gp/ midwife. They can sign you off for a couple of days. Use that as ammunition and ask for a health and safety assessment ( whichyou are entitled to anyway). If you are feeling crap you might find it helpful to get your hours moved a bit so you aren't commuting in the rush hour. That really helped me ... And that helps the business because you will work better if they accommodate your needs.

With regard to medical appointments, she is being completely unreasonable. They take as long as they need to. And you need time to compose yourself after tests anyway. Again no point rushing back into work shaken up from the hospital ... The clients wouldn't thank you for it. Might be worth talking to the midwives/ doc at hospital. My work were silly about this too so I started getting whoever was doing my tests to sign my appointment sheet (at the back of your green notes) and put the time I was leaving down on it....they always cheated and gave me an extra hour!

Re talking about your pregnancy in front of others... I think I'd send an email to all equity partners and ask them to keep it quiet because you have complications and draw their attention to it clearly being a sensitive time. If it is a small business they already know, particularly if she has been loud about it already. That puts them on notice that they have a duty to you and avoids making a grievance.

Probably best to avoid any formal grievance procedure as you are likely to make an enemy of her.

I love London! When can I come? :)

Great advice from elletorro.

If you know she's going to be difficult, perhaps you should organise things to give you and her the least possible hassle. You can choose the time of your midwife etc appointments to a degree, so book them for the very end of the day (or right at the beginning). An attitude like elletorro that "you need to compose yourself after tests anyway" is the kind of additional-hour-bunking-off-because-you've-had-your-blood-pressure-taken that will annoy any employer. You don't. Remain professional so that you have the upper hand when she steps beyond what is legal. Don't give her an inch, because she'll gallop a mile with it.
I also think that sending an email to all the equity partners suggesting that you need to be treated sensitively is going to mark you out as someone looking for a scrap. Head down, do what you h ave to, and organise yourself so it's less hassle for both you and your employer.

I'm not going to read all the above, but is it possible she is jealous / hurt / dealing with her own lack of children? Maybe if you treat her sensitively and also try to book appointments for the end of the day and get evidence of any complications etc she will relax?

Elletorro - amazing advice - thank you so much for taking the time to provide such balanced measured feedback - i genuinely appreciate it. and yes - you definitely DO need time to compose yourself after tests when the tests are to determine how exposed your baby has been to risks beyond your control but that could affect the babies entire development!! its a big deal!! x

I read you work for a hedge fund, and I went like "Ah, yes". Used to work in that niche industry, too. I'm now in a bigger asset management company (and I never thought I'd say this… but thank God). The thing with hedge funds is they are really quite small companies, and dealing with all things maternity can be very difficult for such enterprises (there are articles about that everywhere). Add to that, your boss being female and childless. I know this is a mum's forum, we're all mostly women, and this may be taboo… but in my years of work, I never found a good female boss. The only female manager I ever liked got married to nobility and resigned from working life forever… . Good for her though!

Anyway, SiL had a similar sounding boss, though her boss actually had kids. It was all about making her boss aware of her rights, really. The thought of having a legal case against her may be just what she needs.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Can I suggest that if you decide to tackle this with her you have a third party present just in case?

I needed to maximise the amount of work hours I put in whilst pregnant to maximise the time off when my dc arrived.

With NHS appointments I had been tipped off by a colleague that asking for the first or last appointment of the day is best for minimising time out from the office. I also took documents with me to read if I had to wait around. You can phone up and rearrange appointments or ask as you are leaving that a note is left on your file requesting first/last appointment when admin staff are sending your next appointment letter. (There are plenty of pregnant ladies not working who could be more flexible than you).

I had invasive testing and booked the rest of the day off as annual leave (but actually worked from home after the a.m. test appointment as I actually felt o.k.)

I offered to show my employer my hand -held notes when they were quizzical about the number of appointments I had compared to the number their wife had gone to. (There were a few problems in my case). The suggestion that you get someone at clinic to sign, date and add exact your finish time at clinic is good, play the miserable manager's game.

E-mail HR/her managers about the disclosure of personal information in respect of your pregnancy. You could phrase it as not wanting to waste work time with the news being discussed/raised by all and sundry.

Careful of your pride over your sickness record however. Where I work that level would be classed as high and subject to scrutiny. Many of us manage year after year with no sickness absence at all.

If your manager is like this now she may well be a nightmare once you have children and they are ill, causing you to need time off to care for them.

The law is very clear on this. Call ACAS and talk to them, they will be able to tell you all that is expected of your employer, etc etc and advise you how to proceed if you feel your employer isdiscriminating against you based on your pregnancy.

Don't blag an extra hour but also don't take documents to read and pressure yourself or midwives to hurry. Play it straight and calm and ask for all her threats/requests/risk assesments in writing, document everything and know you rights.
No you are not but you are pregnant !

Honestly, the available reading material at our NHS ante-natal/scan clinic area was dire.
I found it helped to have something more useful to pass the waiting time as it took my mind off things. I didn't pressure myself, just used the time wisely. Once you are actually being seen you can ditch it and focus on the proceedings. Like I say, I wanted to maximise the amount of time off after dc arrived.

I can understand to a degree littlepurpel but why offer to show your hand held notes /take annual leave when its your private medical records and time you are entitled to. You don't have to be obstructive but you also have to stand strong against invasive and intrusive questioning - who gives a fuck what his wife's pregnancy was like - Its your pregnancy and your rights !

You've had lots of good advice but also wanted to say, just because she's an equity partner doesn't mean she is not accountable to the other partners! Is there a managing partner you can discuss with if there is no improvement in her behaviour? I'm sure they would be very concerned with any behaviour of a partner which could potentially lead to a claim for constructive dismissal etc. Particularly if they have personal liability as partners (which they might depending on legal structure).

OP, if you are on a career track job with aspirations of being a partner like your female boss, I would be more inclined to take a more low key approach like Easterholiday and Littlepurple suggests, rather than a “I know my rights” approach. However unfair it is, once the dust has settled and cold hard decisions are being made about who gets made up, the partnership is not going to easily let you into their ranks if you are perceived as a troublemaker, particularly on grounds of your gender.

If this is your first pregnancy, it may seem overwhelming to you particularly since you have potential health issues with your baby. My first baby had potentially severe heart problems detected during scans. From an employer’s point of view, they don’t really care. Your worldview of yourself may have changed but they still see you as an employee. Your boss is obnoxious and seriously reckless in the way she is treating you – but use that to your advantage and take steps to protect yourself, by taking contemporaneous notes of her behaviour. If you ever find yourself made redundant (sorry) or marginalised when you come back, they will all come in handy.

You might want to quit work or your industry altogether once you had the baby (you never know). It is not unheard of for women to use an employment tribunal as an exit strategy. Your boss could be giving you the best bonus ever. Keep that up your sleeve. Maybe speak to an employment lawyer as well, just to make sure you get the balance right. I had to consult employment lawyer twice in my career so far as a precaution though I did not take the legal route in the end – for professional women, sadly you want to make sure you tread the right path.

I am not sure about sending an email to the equity partners as that makes you stand out for reasons which you don’t necessarily want to be remembered for. You have already informed your boss, the company is deemed to know about your pregnancy. You will be showing anyway.

Is she like that to you only or to other pregnant women in the office as well?

I actually think if you roll over and give in you look like a soft touch, not a long term promotion prospect. If you can be bullied by her type, you will be and it wont stop when you have a child and you will certainly not get promoted if you show her you medical notes/scurry around looking scared and busy - don't expect sympathy or respect in this type of environment for bending over backwards. Be professional; and expect to be treated that way!

There are lots of times to 'lean in' when you are pregnant is not one of them

SOunds awful, you have huge sympathies from me, I've seen friends go through similar.

I think there are two ways you can think about it - first of all that it's only 16 weeks of your life (less if you're signed off work by a doctor sooner), and so you can ride out the unpleasantness and then go off on maternity leave and leave it all behind, for a while at least.

The other way to think about is long-term - have you discussed maternity leave and your plans? Are there other women (sadly, I won't even ask about fathers in your industry) with young children or recently returned from maternity leave in your office?

I think the poster who suggested trying to push you out/constructive dismissal might be right. If you think she would be completley unsupportive/the position untenable to return to work to with a young baby then it might be worth looking down the constructive dismissal route ..

MellowAutumn, I don't believe I said anything about OP scurrying around and looking scared or "rolling over"? She can be professional without making a big deal about her pregnancy. It is what it is but it does not define her professionally.

It is her first baby and so yes, it is much more difficult for OP to not be intimidated by her boss. At the same time, it does her no long term favours to draw her employer's attention to what is dominating her life for the moment because she will later look back in hindsight or when she is carrying her second child to realise that life goes on and the waters would have closed and the ripples dissipated.

She might be grateful she is keeping her options open.

Blueshoes - I don't remember saying you said scurrying around did I ?

Hey op. To clarify, I was suggesting you email equity partners to ask them to keep your pregnancy confidential...not to draw attention to it but because I myself had high risk pregnancy and did similar. Family members had previously had late term miscarriages. I made my lot keep it quiet until I was brave enough to tell everyone....I realise that it may be late in the day but at least it makes them aware that you don't want to be a topic of conversation. I'm sorry if I didn't put that well in my other post.

Having tests can be traumatic in the early days and I remember getting v worked up, I needed to come back down to earth afterwards. It's not unprofessional to look after your health and that of your baby, it's prudent. If I could do it again I would have taken more "me" time, I think I might have grown a bigger baby - she was a bit too small really.

I spent many work days mainly staring into my bin or kneeling in the loos. When I had early morning meetings in other cities I had my assistant drive whilst I had a sick bucket in my lap. The partners were in no doubt that I was committed to my job but that I needed some allowances in order to get through pregnancy ok. I always praised the firm to clients for its enlightened attitude (they were fine once I used my appointment notes) and that filtered back to the partners.

You can ask for allowances. You can demonstrate your commitment when pregnant. You can even get a bonus, I did. You might have to educate the partners a little to get there is all. Your boss sounds like a handful but as someone else said it's a partnership so don't let her control your career, side step her.