Frozen out of the clique at work

[Teatimetinny]

I'm just back at work after having a baby and I'm totally frozen out of the clique at work. I'm just writing to have a moan really, and to wonder if I should quit my job - not to sound too dramatic!

I'm in the marketing team and the rest of the team go for lunch together, go for after work drinks together and basically run around the office having a whale of a time all day every day. I actually think they are all nice people individually and I'd love to be included. But I'm obviously deemed unpopular for some reason, and no one will talk to me at all.

I'm a really chatty person so to go all day everyday without having a chat is torture for me. I make an effort all the time, but they answer my questions, but don't ever try to continue the conversation - they haven't even asked me about my baby which I think is horrible.

I actually joined the team pregnant and it was exactly the same before mat leave, but over the year people have left and new people have joined, but the dynamic is exactly the same, I'm unpopular and it's killing me.

I've got 2 kids in childcare so I'm not really making any money, and my children love me at least. It feels stupid to have them in childcare so I can sit being miserable all day.

About 8 years ago I had a bit of a similar situation at work, it was a bullying boss and I stuck it out for 3 years. In hindsight I can see there was no benefit to that which is why I'm wondering if I should just cut my losses with this job.

Oh my god yes. If it won't make much difference to you financially. Please don't put yourself through this. Life's too short. You'll only regret it when yor dc's are all grown up and you'll think my god, I wasted all that time in that shitty job.

People can just be thick sometimes. Some of the mums at school are like this. I've got my own friends and I always talk to everybody but god some of them are hard work.

Are you the oldest or the only one with a baby? Maybe they have written you off as a social prospect?

Whatever your reasons were for going back to work in the first place presumably still exist. Assuming that's the case, I would advise thinking very carefully before giving up work entirely because of a few individuals at this one job, if you otherwise would stay working. Giving up work can have an impact on long term career prospects and future earnings, which is all fine if you take that into account and decide that staying at home is best for your family. But remember the reasons for your initial decision.

Instead you could make the decision to leave, and focus all your energies and attention on getting a new job. Nothing is worse than a situation you are in which you don't like, and which you have no control over. So take back control and make a decision, and then take actions towards making that decision a reality.

Also remember that you've just got back to the job and you are readjusting from being at home with your baby. Friendships take time to build - I changed jobs a year ago and it's only now that I feel I am STARTING to build up some "more than small talk" relationships with anyone at work. It doesn't sound like that people are actively unpleasant - just that they haven't really got to know you yet? Are you a different age/background to the rest of the team (i.e. have they got someting in common that you haven't?) Also, have they actively discouraged you from going out with them, or have they just not invited you? They may just be expecting you to join in, and think you are very anti-social for not doing so!

Thanks for your messages. I'm a bit older than them all but not much difference. I think there's an element of them thinking I wouldn't be interested in going out for drinks initially but I do want to go for lunch and chat with them.

Thanks for the poster saying I have to take back control. My reasons were v mixed about going back to work. Fear over the future due to unstable relationship with dp, so didn't want to be unemployed. Hopeful I could change my career by moving into another department in the company.

I'm giving myself until 31 jan to have a proactive conversation with my boss about the company supporting me in retraining to join another department. If that doesn't seem to work out I will try to manage my retraining myself and manage my career that way.

Yes I wouldn't throw everything away just based on a few people, but the job isn't what I want to be doing anyway and it's v boring and full of admin.

SOunds like you have the beginnings of a plan of action in place, which is great. It makes so much difference to feel you are doing something about whatever it is!

Well I met with my boss to discuss retraining and it went ok, but I'm still not sure whether to stay in the company. She said she would need to see a really solid performance by me over the next year before she would support me moving departments. Fair enough in a way as she's new, and I'm quite new too.
But it sounded a bit too much like a threat to my liking. She's going to check up with my colleagues to see how they think I'm doing. The whole thing left me more unmotivated than ever.
I 100% hate it there. Dp is completely not supportive of me leaving, mainly because our children have just settled into childcare and it would mean taking them out, then possibly putting them in somewhere else if I found another job.

I just feel like crying, everybody is being horrible to me, and no one cares what I'm going through.

Teatime, take a big breath, some and some . Many people do care, surely. I care if it helps . What about your friends and you DP, some family. Talk to them.

Flowery is giving excellent advice.

Staying at home might look like a desirable way to avoid your current situation, but when you will really be at home, you may realise that you didn't reach the sweet spot of happiness. To the contrary you may feel depressed. You might be drained by other factors and it would be incredibly more difficult to get back to work. It happened to me.

If you feel the way you describe, probably you are much better off finding another job. It is much easier to do it now, when you are employed. Actually it might be quite logical. You could say that you want something closer to home, or that your current job required socialising with clients after office hours but you would rather see your DC, you want something more challenging, or whatever fits your situation. Just take a deep breath, picture the desirable job and don't let anything to distract you from that vision. Just go for it with everything you've got.

Talk to your friends and family, explain that you need support to keep your sanity while you are changing jobs. That you need to stay positive and dangerous. Ask them to tell you how strong you are.