Feeling so guilty

[GeorgieJo]

It was my first day back at work today - I was home by 3.30pm and actually loved being in the office, but then I came home to a grumpy baby and felt so guilty.

This is my DC1, he is three months old, and I will be working three days a week to start, going up to four in six weeks time.

I was hoping to carry on bf, but only had time to express 60mls between meetings today.

To make it worse DS refused to bf at bedtime - he was happy to take the boob at 4pm but at 7pm I couldn't get him to latch on. He just wriggled and screamed, but when I tried a bottle he took 120ml quite happily...

Feel like this is the beginning of the end of breastfeeding, which I am so sad about.

I just feel so conflicted. I love my job and I am good at it.

But I can't bear the idea that DS is missing me, or that he prefers the bottle to me!

I love him so much, but I really struggled being at home and tbh it felt great to be back at work. I just wish I didn't feel so torn.

I thought that once he was born I would want to quit my job and become a SAHM. Instead I have been missing work since he was eight weeks old.

Just feel that if I was a "better" mother I wouldn't want to work. But I do, and now I am scared I will do both badly - I won't be as good at my job because I'll be a part-timer, and by leaving my baby I will be a bad mother. Guilt all round!

Sorry to moan - DH just doesn't seem to understand why I feel so bad...

Ah sweetheart.

First, wanting to work does not make you a worse mother. it makes you a mother with other interests and abilities, and it gives your DS variety which is good for him. sure, he may miss you at first, especially at the start but he will soon get to know the childcarer and be happy with them (and then happy to see you too).

Second, I suspect he took the bottle rather than the boob because he was tired and didn't want to have to make the effort of BFing. How much sleep did he get in the day - it may be that whoever he was with (nursery?) hasn't yet figured out how to get him to nap as much as he usually does. this will get better. Honestly it does not reflect his feelings for you in any way.

if you are worried that he'll get used to the bottle and refuse the breast, you could try him on a sippy cup. if he can drink from that, ask your childcarer to use that instead of a bottle. he may be a bit young though.

3 days a week is a great balance IMO. and being a part timer doesn't mean you're less good at your job - you're just doing less of it but that doesn't mean you're less good iyswim.

Hope tomorrow is better for you