Is there life after maternity leave? How do working mums cope?

[OliviaLondon]

I returned to work in September after a year on maternity leave. I love my job as an Assistant Head in a large city primary school and there's nothing I'd rather do as a job but I'm really struggling to cope with the demands on my time. I'm so disillusioned by the daily grind and the rushing - I've been really tearful and stressed about not being able to 'do it all'. Once I've collected baby from nursery I rush home, feed, bath, and bed baby then have dinner, tidy kitchen, do school work for a couple of hours and then go to bed.

I work 4 days a week but end up doing work and answering emails on my day off rather than enjoying being with my baby. Any experienced mums have any suggestions for how to make life a little easier?

I am a mum to a 3 month little girl. I have always been a career girl and loved my job as a Business Development Manager on the road. I used to work very long hours and previously have had to stay over or been leaving the house at 6.30/7am and not getting in till 8 ish at night and still having emails to deal with, but was lucky enough that it is a very well paid job. It's virtually impossible to do my job part time as I cover half the country. So, I will be leaving the house before she wakes and be getting home when she's in bed. So unlike a lot of others I won't even get to do the bedtime routine when I get home. I'm not due back to work until May but due to finances I think I am going to have to return in February. I have always loved my job but I can't stand the thought of missing out on all the first's still to come and hardly spending any time with her except weekends. I need to give my company 8 weeks notice to return early so I need to start planning now if I am to go back soon but the thought of going back and hardly seeing her breaks my heart. I know that the important thing is to be able to provide for her but I'm just torn as I can't bare the thought of someone else getting to spend all that valuable time with her and seeing her crawl, walk etc for the first time.

Please help :(

I'm really interested in your post, as I think it could be a glimpse of my future...

I'm going back to work on Monday after taking full maternity leave. I left as a ft teacher but going back as Deputy Head (non teaching). I'm looking forward to rejoining the workplace, and my new role, but I am worried about how I will manage everything.

Can I ask, do you have teaching responsibilities as part of your role? If not, what sort of work are you bringing home & how much of it?

Definitely drop the 'mum guilt' :)

An earlier poster suggested ring fencing time with your baby, even one hour an evening to do their bath and bedtime routine will be fine. DH gets home 15 minutes before DS's bedtime and reads some stories, brushes his teeth and puts him to bed and DH is DS's favourite person in the world!

On your days off, can you take your baby out to a playgroup or swimming or even a walk to the park for an hour. That way you've spent some quality time together and you can then spend some time separately on your work?

If I have a bad day with DS I console myself with thinking 'at least we had fun at playgroup this morning'!

You lose the mummy guilt,it's a yoke impose upon us.by other mums and society
You compartmentalise on day off you become mum again.
Limit your work contact maybe early morning that's all.if you're available people get used to it

I know I'm beating myself up about it more than i should do its only because I was working 14 hour days when I was 8/9 moths pregnant and i'm predicting I'll end up doing the same when i go back. We have talked about me working for my partner as I could do a very similar role but with loads more flexibility but its just hard because my salary is so good. After spending so much time with her I hate the thought of going from that to hardly seeing her except for maybe an hour a night and weekends.

You'll never be one of the mother superiors who never misses a precious moment.because you'll be at work
Mummy guilt is setting self up for constant angst.the biggest myth we ever get sold as women was have it all
You need to be pragmatic,you'll not be there 24-7 if your working,but you'll not have given up career,or your vocational stimulation
You'll not be singing wheels on bus,but you will be maintaining your career

You compartmentalise you slip effortlessly Into work mode,because you can because you need to

You need to toughen up to the face That the precious moments crew have
You need to be impervious to the comments,like choosing not to let strangers raise your kids
You can have fun and ham up the avaricious mum stereotype who cares not for the kids

I'm happy to maintain my hard worked for career and be a good role model
I didn't want to enact the mum at home,dad work familial patriarchy

Thank you.

As much as I have loved the time with her I can also feel that I'm missing my independence which is why I don't think I could be a stay at home mum.

My partner owns his own business which has seen a huge change in the last 12 months but like any business owner the income is never guaranteed. We have both left home quite young to build a life for ourselves and have worked hard all our lives to have a good standard of living, having both come from back grounds where we didn't have much. This is why although we don't want to spoil her we also want her to understand the importance that if you work hard in life that you can achieve anything you want like we did.

I'm meeting with my boss in the next week or so to discuss the company plans for 2014 and where they see me fitting in so I will most certainly be seeing what support they can give me.

My partner has suggested he could be the stay at home dad which could also be an option i suppose. Its just zoo tough to decide what to do that will be the best for everyone. I've seen so many people through away careers when having children and regretted it because they weren't able to provide as well for their child but I have also seen where they work all the time and hardly see the child and that too takes its toll.

If only there was a magic wand to wave

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. It really has helped to discuss it with someone other than myself of my partner (he's a typical male - its back or its white lol)

Don't want to get shot down for rather a different response but here goes.....
I worked as a busy professional with rather inflexible hours due to the nature of the work. I couldn't always finish on time and not being a able to work due to child illness (and they ALWAYS fall ill on your work days at about 5 am!) at the last minute left the place of work in chaos due to appointments. My eldest DS is nearly 14 now so when I had him I was only entitled to 3 mths maternity leave so was back pretty early on. I only had 3 fixed days but did cover for others who were away or on maternity leave so often worked a full week. I was the same-due to the nature of my OH job I had to do the nursery drop which was a long way in the opposite direction to my place of work as it was the only nursery that could take DS early enough! I then drove like a looney to work, worked non stop except for a boob expressing break (which sometimes I did miss-god was I exploding when I got home on those days!), drove madly back to collect from nursery and then on some days had to be home before 6.30pm as on call phones for OH job were diverted to the house. I spent my days off recovering from these chaotic work days! Then had DD 23 mths later, took extra non paid leave so had 6 mths off, but then started all the chaos again, this time with 2 of them. I lasted 3 mths before I realised a) I was working to mainly pay for my kids to be in childcare and b) I had no passion for my job and was just waiting for the day to end. We took a decision that we would have to take a cut in income as it was no way for me to live and I quit work. I have to say that my situation with regards my OH was similar-it was always down to me to find childcare at the last minute if needed-for extra hours or for ill children. On one occasion I left my sick 6 mth old with my boss's wife for the day just so I could work! And all this was after spending every night up with one or both of them-non of my kids were sleepers!
So now, 11 yrs on, I still don't work-well not in the conventional sense! I have left my professional register and will need re-training to rejoin the profession. I now have 3 kids and my job is looking after them. Too be fair we now live on a smallholding and I run that but it doesn't make a profit, just feeds us and covers its costs. I did expect to go back to work but somehow now it wouldn't all fit in. I have tried various direct sales businesses which can be extremely successful but for me they haven't worked-but that is down to me and my approach to them! I have had the odd part time job but again it hasn't fitted around kids and our home life. My OH is now one of the bosses so we are fine on his income alone-I guess we could have a lot more but we now have a "traditional" family set up (well nearly-he does the cooking!!)
What I guess I am trying to say is-don't feel guilty about work or home. I know we're all meant to be new modern women but think about the extra work and hours involved with your new baby-how can you possibly do your old job and live your life with all the extra work too-unless you just don't bother sleeping and find the extra hours there! You can't possibly give 100% to both so set your standards lower. Don't listen to other mums who claim they are doing this, that and the other with their children or other workers who seem to be able to cope with a job and a family of 15 without the slightest sign of stress-you don't know what goes on behind closed doors! But don't be afraid to admit you can't juggle everything and get your OH involved-it's his baby too however hard he may work. Let him have a day or two holding the fort and the baby and he might be a bit more receptive to the demands on you even if you are "just a teacher"! And don't be afraid to hold your hands up and say-I can't do this. Sometimes a reduction in income isn't possible for many families but look long and hard at all your new costs-childcare, fuel costs to and from nursery, cost of the cleaner, spending on convenience foods as you just don't have time to cook etc etc, and you might find working is false economy. Don't be afraid to take a career break if that is what you need. Good luck and remember whatever you may see there are thousands of working mums who are at their wits end too!
(Sorry-not sure how it got so long.....!)