Exciting plans for next year..but I'm worried

[tippy5]

Hi ladies,

My partner and I are planning on starting a family next year (SOOO EXCITED!) and we're looking to move out of London first to support his new career in the North of Midlands, and hopefully find a lovely new home.

The thing is, I'm worried my career is over if I do this as it's a really 'macho culture' and if I increase my commute AND have a baby I may as well quit.

I work for a big corporate in the City and it's going quite well (I'm in 33 so have put the hours in) but moving house will mean my commute is 3 hours+ a day on top of the work itself (typically 50 - 70 hours a week). That's before we've even started for a baby....

...has anyone else been in this situation and please could you offer me some advice on how you managed it? Would appreciate your perspectives and experience.

I could work 2 - 3 days a week in a 'softer' (less paid / interested) role...but would still need to do the commute and be away from the baby for a very long day.

All advice much appreciated.

Many thanks.

Honestly? I think you need to rethink. If you will be living in the north of the Midlands I'm guessing your commute wouldn't be 1.5 hours door to door? I don't think working those hours and that far away is sustainable even before you throw a baby into the mix let alone after.

Even if you do an 7.5 hour day, 1 hour lunch break and 3 hour commute you are looking at 11.5 hours out of the house. Toddlers typically sleep for 12 hours a night, so the amount of time you would see your DC for each day is pretty small. I am sure that some women are ok with this, but I am not sure that I know any who would be. I do know one family where they have set it up so that their DS naps from about 5-6.30 pm and then wakes up to see his mum. I'm not sure if that is sustainable in the long term.

I've done a longer commute and for the same reasons. It is doable but is very tiring indeed and a lots depends on the reliability of the transport. I was lucky and always got a seat on the train, for example. But there were days that it took me five hours to get to to work, my work had some flexibility, but that's a stress straight off.

That was before I had children though. I think the added tiredness would be difficult, although maybe offset by some peace and time to yourself travelling. I'd be worried about not seeing them at all in the week. Also your childcare would have to be very robust indeed and able to cope wit ill children. Rushing back a distance when they're ill would be very hard on all of you.

Would you have much local support when you moved? How much flexibility would DH have?

Why do you need to move to support your husbands career? Especially as it comes at the expense of your own career?

I would re think too.

I certainly wouldn't have wanted to give up work when I had my children, but neither would I have opted for something which made my commute ridiculously long.

Thanks so much for taking the trouble to reply. I'm sure that you're both right...I either find somewhere local that I can work or just work about 2 days a week, in the softer role, and cope with the long commute / not being near the baby on those days.

Either way, the current job is unsustainable.

Thanks

Hi Janey68, thanks for your reply, I just saw this.my boyfriend has recently started a family business (his parents live North) so work takes him out of London Mon - Fri. If I don't move that way then we can't live together properly, or be a family, as he can't move his business South.

It's really hard for me as my family and career are South. However, I really want for us to be together properly (as does he) so that means making a change....

tippy

i think you also need to think about what other childcare you have. Myself and my husband are our childrens only childcare providers except the nursery. My husband teaches in a college, so there is no flexibility there. If the children are sick, have a temperature or need to go to the doctors, its me that gets the phone call. I reduced my hours to 32 over 4 days to try and maintain a family balance. I also worked across the road from the nursery and only 10 mins max from home. Even though everything is so close, it is not easy.

I will soon be looking for another job (long story), and i will be looking to find something that is less hours but hopefully a position where i can advance as my children get older.

Will he do all the drop offs/pickups or nanny handovers?

Can you do five days hours over four, staying in a travelodge or something for at least one of the nights?

(Fundamentally I agree with flowery - I don't think you can do this, though you might want to move in together, see how that goes and continue commuting for a bit before you change jobs or start trying for a baby - would still do the travelodge thing though)