doing nothing well

[LJAM]

i've been back at work for a few weeks now and i feel like i'm doing everything in a half-baked cr*p way.
DS is wonderful - 7 months old, smiley happy kid. DH would love for me to be a "proper" (i.e. stay-at-home) mum and wife but we can't afford it + i felt quite depressed during mat leave and regained a bit of sanity when i went back.
now it all seems to be too much - job, childcare, being good wife, taking care of home. DH is rarely home - works til 10pm most nights. whenever i raise a problem, he just says "we'll figure something out" and then does nothing.
sorry to whinge. does anyone have tips for dealing? have lost touch with friends (all single) and feeling lonely and disappointed not to be coping better.

LJAM, I hope it will cheer you up rather than depress you when I say it takes longer than a few weeks to get your workplace groove back, especially if you are a first time mum. Honestly - it is so hard. Like you, I returned mainly for financial reasons and I also found dh very little help and support at that time. In fact I think one of my first mumsnet posts was a desperate concern that our marriage wouldn't survive much longer. AND I had no friends locally...so my second post was quite possibly "does anyone want to meet up". From that I have made a group of lasting WOHM friends and we all meet to eat, drink and chunter about our work-life balance on a regular basis.
I so understand what you mean about being disappointed at not coping better. I cried a lot about my rubbish existence in the evenings back then.
Be kind to yourself and decide where you can let things go. Tbh if he is not helping, I'd put being a "good wife" way down on the list and try to have a frank discussion about his attitude with him. He may well be dodging the issue because on some level he is ashamed you've "had" to go back to work when he would rather you didn't.
The other thing that helped me was having a Dodo Pad for lists, appointments etc, and generally trying to use every scrap of commuting time to keep my life organised. We paid everything we could by direct debit. We switched to a grocery delivery service. We got a cleaner.
Glad your ds is wonderful mine have both thrived in their daycare settings.

all i can say is that i sympathise with you and understand.
Dont you think though that its an awful lot to expect of just one person? You know to do all that we do in a day let alone a week.
You feel guilty for working when you are only percieved as a "proper mum" if you stay at home, you have the responsibility of juggling childcare and home life with working.
Yes work is a welcome relief but it isnt a break IMHO.
Its not that you are not coping, its just that you are finding a difficult job difficult!
Do you have any family nearby?

i went back partime and i felt like you but it does get easier. My dh worked late and i asked him at least one night to come home and help me so i did think i was doing the lot. also i made sure that i did someting at the weekends on my own even if it was dh and ds gong out and leaving me with the paper

wow, MN really works. so good to say what i really feel without having to pretend. and really appreciate practical suggestions.
live in london and have no family here. DH unwilling to take care of DS without me being around - won't do feeding, bathing or putting down for sleep but ok with playing as long as not for more than 1 hr. whenever i suggest time to self, he acts surprised that i want to "waste family time".
i feel so lucky to have a fantastic kid after a long time trying. feel a bit ashamed for wanting it all.

been here too. i work 3 days nowaway from home (10hrs a day plus another 10 at home) and in order to cope have asked dh to do his share - I still have responsibility for most stuff in the house but he does his bit by working from home one day a week (when I'm at work) and he starts earlier two days so he can pick up from childminder; do tea and baths and I get in to read a story.

I also get one night out a week with friends- rarely use it but enjoy when I do.

at weekend - we have one day each for a layin - though usually its still me that does the 6am wakeup and I go back to bed with the newspaper and a cuppa when dh gets up!

it takes many weeks to adjust to these new routines and alot of work adjusting dh into sharing responsibility too!

Watch out for City lunch meet-up threads if you like and come along and swap notes with some of the rest of us. It honestly, truly helps to feel less freakish and isolated.
And whether or not you return to paid work post-baby, the first 12 months after the birth of your first are well-known for disrupting your relationship to a shocking extent. Some of what you are both working through is utterly unconnected to your employment status.
And just because you waited a long time for your dear little ds, does not mean you are not permitted to feel thoroughly fed up with life occasionally

I don'tthink it's right at all that your dh wont look after the baby unless you're there.

My dh is abroad a lot and I used to be loathe to leave the family unit when he was here.
I do now though (regular trips to the gym) and it has done us all good.

It is so hard,but please,don't be a martyr.Sort it out with your dh or you will feel sour and resentful very soon,which doesn't benefit anyone.

LJAM, you absolutely need to have time for yourself, your dh needs to pull his finger out, quite frankly. Your child is a joint responsibility, not yours alone; I think it's too easy for men who have always worked outside the home to cop out of the very real work that is going on inside the home too.

Being a working mum is a complete nightmare, just by getting up in the morning and getting ds and you out for the day you are coping brilliantly. It is a constant struggle with conflicting priorities, but please don't feel you aren't being a 'proper' mum because you work outside the home. Is dh not a 'proper' dad because he does? Of course not. I also found a degree of relief in returning to work and regaining some semblance of control - doesn't stop me from missing ds like crazy or feeling I should be there for him every minute, of course. But I do like having a working life and, even if I didn't have to work, I would definitely defend my right to have that option.

thanks for words of wisdom. marina, where do i look for the city lunch threads?
before DS was born, i was sceptical about work-life balance problems. i used to think that if you were organised, efficient and had a reasonable partner, it wouldn't be too unmanageable. i've been really suprised about reality. DH isn't a demon - as long as it doesn't involve leaving work early + provided i spell it out for him, he'll help - e.g. stop by shop to get milk. but when he looks in fridge and sees no milk, he'll complain quietly to noone in particular but it won't cross his mind to buy any unless i ask him. that said, he's a great dad, DS adores him. i agree we need to work through some of this soon before i get too bitter but attempts so far have failed. i just come across as whinging wife - last thing he needs after tough day at work.

IME it takes more than a couple of weeks to adjust when you first go back to work. I'd say it has taken me on average 3 months for each of my 3 children to relax into a routine. But oh yes, you must share with your DH! Can he do mornings? My DH does the mornings and I do the pick-ups and it works really well. I put the kids to bed and when DH comes home between 8 or 9 and sometimes later, he cooks and opens the bottle of wine. My rule number 1 is share childcare and houswork equally. My rule number 2 is do your shopping online. My rule number 3 is get a cleaner. And like MArina says, it really helps to meet mums in same situation.

city lunch meetups should be in the "meet ups" section.
so go to the top of this page, click on "by topic" then scroll down till you come to "meet ups" have a brouse through till you come to a meeting near you.
Alternatively you could start your own thread and keep buping it up every few days till you get enough people to respond.
Its well worth doing and you might find that through doing this you will make some lovely long term friends who will become firm friends with you for ever.
Good luck and keep posting hun, we are all in the same boat and understand completely.