me vs 'childless person'

[ohdarcy]

I am being considered for relocation to a new role. I have been with the (small) company for a long time and have a good relationship with my boss. This offer has been in the air for a while and on her typical style has been high on the asking me to commit and low on the info. Anyway. The role has been vague but coming together. And she has made an offer. I should add she has repeatedly expressed concerns about my suitability because it is a big jump, change of country, much more responsibility (right now i have a nice quiet life but the potential with this job is very exciting) blah blah. Tbh i have also questioned this but after a lot of discussion with dh we decided on balance that we would rather try then miss an opportunity.

As far as i can see she wants me for the job and is so far not interviewing other people. BUT she has mentioned more than once that she thinks it would be more suited to a childless person/ do i understand the change of mentality that will be required? I really dont know what to make of this. I am able to work the hours stated and overtime as required. Dh is able to be more flexible re. Childcare. But if i can finish my work up and leave on time to get home and put my kids to bed then that is important to me. She seems to think this shouldnt even be on my mind. Not having worked in a big career type london job i dont know if this is normal or not?

Do you just accept not seeing your kids mon-fri??

Anyway. So seemed like all progressing then yesterday she brought it up again and basically said i needed to understand That she was making compromises to hire me that if she had this hypothetical childless person she would expect them to make a several week long work trip as required with little to no notice. And that she is compromising on this.

When i hung up i realised i didnt understand if the compromise was on the trip or on the notice. I have a 2 and 6 yr old. At this point while i am ready to ramp up the dedication etc i dont think i want to do 3/4 week trips and if this had been part of the description at the outset it would never have.got this far.

The weird thing is that if she doesnt think i am right she could just back track, its really her choice. So what is she tryig to do/say bringing this up.all the time? It is giving me a really bad feeling about the whole thing.

What do you think??

Bump?

Sounds like lots of unreasonable demands are going to be made of the job-holder.

I think you need to get her to commit to a proper job spec and details of just what will be required so that you can properly consider whether the reality of what is proposed is something you are happy with.

plus if you take it and demand are made that you hadn't agreed to you are in a strong position to say no.

I agree with relaxed. If she won't write it down it means either she hasn't thought it through or she wants to push the role holder very hard. Neither of which you want. I suggest when she starts talking about her 'hypothetical childless person' you politely cut it short and just ask her to tell you what she wants and you'll tell her if it's a good fit or start talking about a hypothetical decisive boss.

Sounds like you are the person she thinks best for the role but she doesn't want to articulate her concerns that you may not have thought it through because she is scared of doing something discriminatory, so is going round the houses and now can't backtrack because she has gone too far. Wich leaves her no option (as she sees it) but to come up with various 'scenarios' to make sure you're ok on commitment required.

All of that said, I believe there is a huge mental leap from job to high powered career, even in same firm. I've flipped back and forth over the years. Some jobs are tough but reasonably predictable -ie you any have to work really long hours at each qtr end or year end, that kind of stuff. Then there are jobs where you just don't know. You've planned dinner out and have to can it because something's come up, you thought you'd have a quiet time in the run up to your daughters birthday then suddenly you're working flat out and the invites get forgotten, and then there's the time you're putting your coat on to take the afternoon off for your child's nativity play and something comes up. Even worse its not that critical but there's no way the team you are working with will tolerate you skipping off and leaving them to deal with it.

Its not about being best at the job, or about the hours as overall they can be similar, and its not even about working really really hard. It's more about how willing you are, when push comes to shove, to put the company first when required, even at huge personal cost. And how prepared you are to tell your kids that no, you want be seeing them before bedtime.

It gets easier the further up you get as there is more flexibility, and there is no reason your DH can't step in as required - its an equal partnership after all - but thereis an emotional cost that needs to be borne in mind.

If the role is easy to describe why not post about it in chat and see if people with the same job find it ok ?

Thanks for the replies. I am not sure how easy the role is to describe. At its most simple it is being her right hand (wo)man. So very high profile very broad senior role. I am very scared about the potential personal cost. But also feel its gone too far to go back now without jeopardising my current job. I think we can make the sacrifices for a couple of yrs then evaluate. Though i cant help feeling my kids are the ones that will really pay. Even though if anything we would be doing it for a more secure life/future for them. Things are very uncertain where we are right now.

The day to day i think i can do. But long international trips where never part of this, i need her to clarify on this as an essential matter i think.

Even if she can't spec out what you will be doing she should be able to write down your parameters. Eg you will be based in London but may be expected to travel at no notice for up to a week at a time, but no more than once a month. She should be able to give you a sense if that just by looking at her own diary.