Feeling terrible about going back to work

[OrchidFlakes]

Can anyone give me some insight into going back to work?

I am due back in a week after just over a years mat leave. My flex working request was accepted so I am on,y going back 3 days a week.

I felt strongly that nursery wasn't the right place for DS and despite finding and loving a CM it hasn't worked out that she can have him so we have got a nanny.

DH is supportive that I do whatever I want to but also wants me to try going back, which I want to for my career but the thought of leaving DS is making me feel sick. I am snapping at DH every 2 mins and generally miserable.

My job was really important to me before I had DS, I loved it, but now all I can see is what is wrong with it.

I'm in a real mess, feeling sick, not eating, diarrhoea (sorry tmi!) am I being stupid?

I was exactly like this, I only had 6 months off as had been offered promotion before having ds.

I too only went back for three days(mon, tue, wed) and honestly it was ok. I had fabulous four day weekends with ds and got the early morning/night time routine down to a t.

I had no option but to go back and it sounds like you have the option to be a SAHM?

If so give yourself a set amount of time. Maybe 6 months, to see how it goes.

I was very very happy with ds's nursery(still am) and think this made a huge difference to how I felt, so hopefully your nanny will be lovely too.

It is hard, and I sympathise but give it a go. For me three days allowed me to earn money and have lots of time with ds. If it weren't for money I'd not have gone back but honestly. It worked well, I've since moved on but work shorter hrs over four days so still good for ds.

Good luck whatever u decide

I think a lot of mums feel like you did. I was sobbing every other night when singing lullabies to my baby at nightime, in the run-up to going back to work. I was just in bits. I felt guilty, I thought that DS was too small, etcetc.

It was daunting but after, oooh, the first day back, I was back in the saddle and remembering who I was before the baby took over. DS absolutely LOVED his nursery and thrived. Now he is 5 and a confident, loving, bundle of fun. Going to nursery was great for him. He will play with anyone and everyone, he shares well (because they all do at nursery), he makes friends instantly with new children because he has been introduced to so many since he was a baby he is very socialised. He knows a lot about things I haven't taught him. I have friends with children with nannies and CM all doing well too, and none of them say they think the children are worse off than if they had just been at home all day with Mummy. (I think that's good too but what I am saying is that there are pros-and-cons with all options).

I know it seems incredible, but there will be elements that you genuinely enjoy about being back at work. Being "you" again, having a cup of tea in peace, feeling like you have another purpose not just Mummy. I also think you should go back because if you don't, you will probably have a sense of unfinished business.

You can always say to yourself that you will give it a three month trial and after that, if you really hate it, you can look at alternatives. As your DH is encouraging you to go back, at least you can then say you gave it a fair go.

Thank you cloud and we. I can relate to the crying and singing lullabies

I have been using my KIT days and I'm not sure if its made it better or worse. I think setting a finite time to try is a great idea, I think I'll do that and at least it will make it feel easier to tell myself I am trying until Christmas rather than going back forever and that's it.

I feel so PFB about it but can't help it

I know it's hard Orchid. I had a friend who never returned to work after maternity and it actually knocked her confidence badly. Yes she had that great "never going back to school" feeling but it was short lived and as her baby grew up and gained in confidence, and became an independant little person, she was still stuck in Mummy to Baby mode. Ultimately she didn't get back into her career and is still floundering now.

I know she's not representative of all mums who don't go back to work after having a baby, but I do think she should have returned even for a short period, just to prove that she could do it. She was running away from her fears and it would have been better to face them and grow from it. She could have left work at any time afterwards.

Wow Cloud, I think you just hit the nail in the head. That's exactly how I feel - if I don't go back, why the hell did I work so hard to get where I am and will I ever get back if I don't go now.

Confidence is a big factor too. Mine is definitely dented. I work in a cut throat, bitchy environment and just doing my KITs has been tough enough where before it all scarcely registered with me.

Did you find that no one really understood how you felt - even DH? I feel so alone in this. I feel like no matter what someone and everyone loses

I cried and cried and agonised too. I felt I was betraying him, that he'd feel I'd abandoned him for the rest of his life.

With a good nanny who cares about him though he really should be fine. I found the anticipation much worse than the actual going back. Hopefully you'll find the same.

I was just the same, I also work three days a week. Ds went to nursery and I cried through the settling in session and was generally a mess.

As it happens I fell pregnant again pretty much as soon as I went back but am going back again in a couple of weeks. This time I feel very different. I still have the guilt but this time it's because I'm looking forward to it.

Three days is perfect, it's a really lovely balance. You might also find over the coming months that your lovely little baby turns into a demanding toddler and a break from that can be quite nice

I have friends that I met through ds1 that haven't gone back. Some were really smug and made some nasty comments to another friend who works full time. Now they have second children and have little prospect of re-entering the work place at a level they left, on a part time basis and other jobs wouldn't cover two sets of nursery fees. They are jealous about me going back. They are feeling bored because money is tight.

I felt very different about work and still do than pre-children. I can't be arsed with the politics and while I'm there they have my full attention but as soon as I'm out the door I don't think about it again. I could never have imagined being like that before.

I think there is also benefits to my relationship with dp, I feel more confident and working makes me feel less pressured into being perfect (haha I'm a crap housewife ) at home and just more on an equal footing. It's also nice to have other things to talk about. I really like the social aspect of work.

Don't get me wrong, it will probably be hard at first so if you're going to set a time limit I would give it a while to allow yourself to find your feet and routine.

Ds1 loves nursery but the first few weeks were hard. I had a lump in my throat the other morning watching him toddler off without even looking back, thinking how far he's come. Ds2 has his first settling in session this week and I'm not looking forward to it. He is only 9 months and seems so little.

Despite the fact that financially I don't have a choice I know it's the right thing for our family.

Good luck, I'm sure it will be fine