Struggling emotionally now maternity leave is over...

[HooverFairy]

So this is probably really, really common but I'm feeling awful about being back at work. I've been off with my baby for 6 months and have returned to work this week, at first it was kind of exciting; I was back in my 'comfort zone'! And catching up with everyone has been nice, I've realised that I can still do my job and that it's not a bad place to be.

I just feel so awful, I miss my baby something chronic. I can't concentrate at work because I'm thinking about him, usually I'd count down to the end of something I disliked but this is forever, there is no end. I just don't know how to cope with it. I'm fine when I first leave him but by the time I get to work I'm a mess, I don't think my colleagues have noticed though, I don't want to be unprofessional and I work with children so I have to stay focused. I just hate the thought of other people doing my mum-job, my baby being cuddled to sleep not by me. He's with family during the day, but I feel resentful that I have to work whilst they don't have to and they get to be with my baby. Unreasonable, I know, I know I should be grateful that they will help out, and they love him so much.

I knew I felt bad, but today has made me feel worse. I've struggled to get him to eat his breakfast, he's shouting 'dadada' which he's never done before but I know he must have been doing it this week whilst I was at work, he's almost crawling and he definitely wasn't before. I just feel like I've missed so much and it's only been a week. I'm now struggling to get him down for a nap, I was always the one who could do this before, now I can't. I'm scared I'm not the one he depends on, but then again he needs to depend on others because I'm not there for him.

I'm miserable, but I can't stop working because it's not financially viable for us. (long story - very tricky mortgage situation and DH with poor health). I just don't want to lose touch with my baby other than putting him to bed on a night and rushing us out of the house on a morning.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Just read this - can't believe no one else has replied! I think this is quite common- I know I felt exactly the same. It is really hard BUT your baby does know you are mum not anyone else. You have to remember that you are working out of necessity for your family and childs future. Have you tried talking with family/ husband about this? Is there any flexibility with work or childcare arrangements? Make sure you plan weekends well so you can maximise quality time together - doesn't have to be expensive. Lastly look after yourself its hard juggling all the balls! Also remember you are doing a great job, and baby is being well looked after in your absence, which if you have to work is ultimately what you want. Sorry this is a bit garbled - Typing on phone. Wish u well.

I go back in 2 weeks' time ao I'm scared this will be me, too.

One thing though I will add though: the fact you can't easily get your baby to settle is NOT your fault or a sign that you are losing touch with your baby. It is a phase (google wonderweeks) as mine is going through it. You would be having trouble even if you weren't at work all day.

I think it's very natural to resent the time others spend with your baby, especially if your own mother didn't go out to work. Mine did and I did not form a closer bond with my daytime carers than with her, so please don't worry about losing that special place you hold. Your baby will know who you're mum.

I plan to maximise ther time I do have with my baby, do stuff at the weekend, but I know I'll shed tears when I return to work (I'm the only earner, like you and can't afford to go part time).

I hope you feel better about it all soon.