Guilt and confusion

[DaisyMayS2]

Hi all, I'm new to Mumsnet and have signed up today in the hope of getting some advice/reassurance...so here goes.
I have 2 lovely boys aged 5 and 3. Our eldest started school last September and our youngest starts this September. My husband works fulltime and I work 24 hours a week over 3 days. I'm in a pretty well paid job and have worked very hard to get where I am today. As our youngest is about to start school I though I should start applying for fulltime jobs. I a
Im unhappy in my job at the moment and am conscious that working at the level I currently am, I would be unlikely to get another job at the same level on a part time basis. The area I work in is quite specialised and jobs are very thin on the ground. I have had no luck so far.
The issue is that I am struggling with major guilt. Guilt at the thought of have approx 12 hours to myself if I don't have a fulltime job by September.....could I really fill 12 hours a week with housework etc. My husband is a wonderful man whi is very supportive. He has advised me to enjoy the time (as it won't last forever) and to go to the gym more, meet friends for coffee etc - but I guess I don't feel that I can justify having all that time to myself - I'm usually so busy rushing around!
Secondly - I feel guilty that if I do get a fulltime job, our boys will see me less (although they do have excellent grandparents and a wonderful before and after school club which we could utilise more)
Sorry for my ramblings - I feel like I'm not making much sense!!
I just feel like either way, I'm going to feel guilty!

This will be me in two years so I'm watching with interest!

In my opinion you very rarely get these chances to achieve balance, is there an area you'd like to retrain or develop in? Volunteer work that actually interests you, or perhaps try for a school governor role?

Do not feel guilty!! This is an opportunity

Thank you :-) I think you've hit the nail on the head. I need to fill the time with something that interests me and if it may possibly lead to a career change all the better. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do but i do know that I want to help people (a cliche I know but I'm sick of sitting behind my desk all day, working really hard and seeing no real benefits to anyone). I'm going to ask about volunteering locally tomorrow and see what's on offer.
I guess I should consider myself very lucky that I will be able to work part-time for a while whilst my children are in school and do something that interests me for part of that time.
I'm also going to miss having the children at home which I think is the biggest issue I'm facing at the moment. I'll adapt though, that's what we do!!
Thanks again x

Hi and welcome!

My concern is where you say your "youngest is about to start school" so you feel you "ought to look for a full time job". Says who? What's changed? (Other than school, obviously!).

Do you feel obliged to work because the DC won't need you during the day?

I only say this because I know how hard wraparound childcare is, and I didn't start to work full time until my DS was 8. I've always found full time work hard, and it's only since DS turned 12 that it got easier to be honest.

This isn't necessarily true for you, but don't feel pushed into full time out of some sense of duty. If you hate your current job though, that's a whole other story!

Hi!
My husband is always saying that I'm too hard on myself (and when I'm thinking logically I reckon he's right!) I think it's fine for other Mums to work part-time when their kids are in school or not work at all if they can afford not to. However, when it comes to me I feel like it's just wrong - hence the guilt. No-one says I ought to work full-time (except me). Our eldest was born prematurely and I think a lot of my guilt issues probably stem from that. Although I know it wasn't really my fault, I can't help but feel a sense of guilt, like I was rejecting him somehow.
All Mums feel guilt in some form or another but I think mine goes into overdrive sometimes!!
I really do hate my current job but there just aren't the options out there at the moment. I'm keeping a look out for a new job but I suppose in the meantime I should enjoy having a bit more time to myself x

UPDATE!! I've now got a fulltime job, starting in September - so I'm not going to get that period of time to myself that I thought I might! I'm feeling positive about the change. I'm moving to a new organisation and I was definitely ready for a change - so fingers crossed it works out well.
I am a bit anxious about being a fulltime working Mum, but I'm sure I'll cope - I'll have to!