Going back to work soon... why have I gone and made things 100 x worse for myself (long)

[themothership]

Am much in need of some sympathetic ears... I've been on maternity leave after the birth of dd for a year, going back to work in a couple of weeks. Never been the greatest fan of my job, and if it wasn't for the fact that I earn nearly twice as much as DH so have to be the main breadwinner, then I'd happily stay home and bake muffins all day

I work in the creative industry, work in a senior role for a small-ish (30 people) consultancy. My relationship with my MD has never been great - he's from a financial background and is one of those pompous sexist middle aged types (sorry no offence intended to any readers who are middle ages, am just trying to use short-hand to conjure up the right image). Since I told him I was pregnant to throughout my maternity leave, there have been a series of screw-ups on his part, from sexist and inappropriate comments to giving the wrong start date for ML to the accountants... I've had to chase him for everything, and the last straw was last week, when having negotiated a flexible working, and therefore signing a new contract I discovered that I wasn't entitled to the bonus I was expecting next month. It's not a performance related bonus, so my MD had given a verbal agreement that I'd be entitled to it whilst on leave. The issue isn't about receiving the bonus itself, but about the fact that in Dec '05 (I was already on leave), the MD issued a formal bonus policy in which it was stated that women on AML would no longer be eligible for the bonus scheme. I was really upset that it hadn't occurred to the MD to inform me of the new policy when it was issued, and wrote to tell him I was upset at the way my expectations had been managed and thought it would have been considerate in the least for him to have informed me of the new policy when it was issued.

He didn't reply (this was all being done by email btw), so I ended up chasing so that I could be sure that my contract would be in place by the time I return. He replied, but not addressing any of the issues I'd raised about how the bonus had been handled, and was incredibly rude (e.g. starting sentences such as 'you are mistaken...' etc.) in the two subsequent emails. I've increasingly been made to feel as if I'm not valued by the company and the thought of leaving dd is hard enough without the worry about exactly what kind of reception awaits me.

So this is where it all went a bit wrong, and I snapped. I wrote to the MD and said that there seemed to be more than a hint of hostility in him replies, didn't feel like any of the issues I'd raised had been addressed let alone acknowledged, and that I was worried about coming back. I said I wanted a face to face meeting to clear the air on my return. He wrote back this morning saying he was "surprised and discouraged by the tone and content of my email". I have no idea what that means. But am having a huge panic about the fact that I know I've made it a million times worse for myself, now that I've got dealing with him to look forward to on my return.

A meeting has been arranged, but I know he'll try his usual "you're being an emotional woman" thing on me, and I'll end up just being patronised and made out to be the neurotic loony. What do I do?

YOur bonus should be pro-rated so that you get it for the portion of the year that you were on OML, but you are not entitled to it for the portion of the year that you were on AML. When it gets paid is not an issue. That is, if he tries to not pay you any of your annual bonus becuase you were on AML at the payment date, it is a discriminatory issue, becaue you are still employed by the company. But you are not entitled to finacial compensation for that employment during the period of AML, though you are entitled to it during teh period of OML. If he wanted to be a real stickler he could pay you only 90% of the bonus for teh first 18 weeks (ie treat you bonus as part of your qnnual salary and pro-rate th whole thing not just your basic)

I'm not a lawyer btw - that's just what my HR dept. told me 2 years ago.

the law on bonuses during mat leave has changed again recently (new case law) and is v complicated - there is some suggestion that depending on the type of bonus scheme employers only have to pro-rate for the compulsory mat leave i.e. two weeks. You really would need an employment specialist to advise you if you wanted to take it further

Thanks Piccalili & Prufrock - tbh this is what I originally thought all along, and imagine it's what my MD would say.

So back to my original question - how can I get him to take responsibility for all his various f**k ups during my pregnancy / maternity leave (e.g. saying things like "I'm looking forward to seeing you waddle" when I first announced I was pregnant, telling the accountants the wrong date for the start of ML so I got paid all wrong, not telling me about change in bonus policy, giving male peer pay rise but not me) without him just turning it round into a thing about me being all emotional and needy?

This is where the employment lawyer comes in. He may find that 'she's emotional and needy' is not an adequate defence when he's facing a tribunal.

Aaarrrgghhh!!!

Well... it's my third day back at work, and I had 'the meeting' with my MD this afternoon. He reluctantly admitted culpability for much of the stuff I raised, although it required lots of persistent refusal on my part to not have my issues dismissed. I managed to remain rationale and calm at least, but what came out of it is that he's had issues with me for over 2 years, none of which he's raised with me before and none of which is based in any evidence apart from one-sided anecdotes.

The purpose of the meeting was to clear the air, but if anything, it's been further muddied. I really can't be arsed with this. Being away from dd is difficult enough without having to put up with this kind of shit, really don't want to have to spend time I don't see her being made to feel so unvalued.

Am seriously considering just walking away, after 5 years, going freelance or getting another job.

Will someone please make me feel better?

Okay, had a chance to sleep on it, and thankfully today is my one day off at home with dd, which is bliss.

Been looking into various things, and feel fairly okay about just leaving to be honest, but came across mediation, and was wondering whether anyone had experience of it. The company is small and doesn't even had it's own HR dept, so we'd have to get someone like ACAS in. Does anyone have experience of using mediators (especially external) and would you recommend it?

Just been reading your thread as I returned to work on Monday.

It seems you are not alone! I had almost the same issues (except the bonus part).

I work for a large organisation (been there 16 years)and had a middle management role. When I told them I was pregnant they tried to move me to a "lesser" role so I got the union involved and my boss backed off. When I got in contact to discuss my return to work (only had 6 months off due to finances) they refused to give me my old role back! Even though I pointed out they cannot legally do this.

Long and short of it was that after several emails (which on my part I thought were very calm and compromising on my part) I had replies back similar to that of your MD's!!!! sleepless nights and 3 dreadful meetings later (they now think I am emotional and a trouble maker) I am back at work! Doing much lower level role and bored after just 3 days! My card is now very definately marked as I tried to stand up for my rights and still got no where!

The union at work are trying to help but they are too weak. Don't know what industry you work in but have you a union you can contact? Mine is AMICUS and I think they are a general workers union, so they may be able to help or point you in the right direction.....

Let me know how you get on. Best of luck, it must be awful for you..... I really know how you feel...

Hey themothership! Long time no speak (Was vickitiredmum/queenvictoria). Sorry you have are having problems with your employer. It sadly seems to be quite common.

I had similar problems with mine before i was due back to work. It ended up getting way out of hand, i felt my complaints were not dealt with appropriately and i resigned. They didnt deal with complaint after, and the upshot is, that i am going to an employment tribunal at the end of this month claiming unfair (constructive) dismissal and sex discrimination.

I didnt get anywhere when ACAS (automatically) became involved, and have been told by someone who works in employment law that they, and many of their colleagues, find ACAS to be a waste of time/useless.

Sorry to hear what's been happening with you. I always worked in small creative companies and so relate to the whole no HR dept etc. Union wise have you thought of BECTU?

I worked for a multinational company who's profit worldwide was in the billions mark. They didnt have an HR department in our division...

I have some experience of mediation (not ACAS). It can be absolutely excellent in clearing the air and establishing a good working basis for the future. You (and the company) can basically set the agenda by agreement in preliminary discussions with the mediation organisation, then the mediator helps everyone stay on track, express themselves, not be interrupted or shouted down, and keep a sense of perspective and be realistic.
There are lots of external providers. I have worked with CEDR who are very large, very long established, and IMO rather expensive. their website is here
Others I know of include
global mediation
and
workplace mediation
but you can google and find lots of information.
There is a very high satisfaction rate with mediation generally compared to other ways of resolving disputres (eg going to tribunals) and it feels much better because you 'own' the process.

Hi there

Ooh, there's been loads of activity on this thread and I'd kind of thought it had died! Thanks loads to all of you for sharing your experiences.

Hello Vicky! Really sorry to hear that things have got so messy with your employers, it's very brave of you to take it on to tribunal and I really hope it works out in your favour. What are you doing at the moment - have you got another job, or are you at home with your kids?

Okay, well here's an update...

I ended up writing to our CEO (not as grand as it sounds as it's only a small company, and I have worked with her for years, then she moved to Guernsey to bring up her kids on the beach...) and told her what was going on between me and the MD. I said that I didn't feel, after the meeting we'd had, that we'd be able to resolve stuff between ourselves amicably, and asked her if she'd be willing to arrange for mediation. I'd suggested ACAS, but the MD decided to use someone who does freelance consultancy to us, so already knows us both. Luckily, she's someone whom I have a huge amount of respect for and whom I trust will remain balanced and impartial. We've had individual meetings with her, but not one with the two of us together.

The MD has been intimidating to me around the office, feels very much like bullying. I'd really like to resolve the situation, but I am finding it hard to see how I'll be able to forget the way that I've been treated and to regain any semblance of respect for him.

I started another, far less stressful job about 6 weeks ago doing evening reception work. Its going well atm, if a little boring, but i'd rather that than tube travel and daily stress.

I enjoyed the extra few months at home, even though it has been stressful.

I have been fortunate enough to have a friend help me who is training to be a solicitor (and is specialising in employment law). Its an absolute minefield and very hard going. I can see why people dont bother or give up.

Sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you though TMS

Can imagine it must be pretty nerve-wracking for you right now, Vicki. Its great that you've had someone to give you advice. From what you've told me in the past, it doesn't sound like your ex-employer's got much of a leg to stand on, so very much hope that it goes smoothly.

Will probably be having the proper mediation session with the MD tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all...

Good luck for tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

x