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Original poster

Why have I lost my confidence so much?

19 replies

leogaela · 31/05/2006 13:48

I went back to work when ds was 7 months (8 months ago). I struggled at first as I was always tired with a child waking in the night and up very early for the day. That's not so bad now but I still haven't regained my confidence :(!

In normal life I am fine, more confident than before, but at work I have become insecure and nervous. I have a problem talking on the phone, feel that my English is really bad (I live in Switzerland) and have to make a phone call this afternoon to Ireland to ask questions about something I don't know anything about. I even feel that I am too stupid to think up any questions to ask and don't even know what I need to know!

Anyone else feeling similar? Does it get better? What can I do to help myself?

OP posts:
bluejelly · 31/05/2006 13:50

In my first language I am confident, witty ( well I like to think so) and at ease...
In my second I am a dry, nervous wreck!
Totally sympathise but no suggestions other than finding someone to practice english conversation with? Might help maybe?

MrsBigD · 31/05/2006 13:54

you'll find it's probably not so much of lack of confidence but different priorities Grin.

I found since having had my kids I seem to be distracted away from work much more easily by domestic/mondane stuff. I'm sure it's a brain chemistry thing ... at least that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it! Like when I was really ill I couldn't even type! I think body went back to basic function and typing isn't necessary for survival Wink

Also people seem to perceive me differently only because I'm a mum... and that I really hate!

Original poster
leogaela · 31/05/2006 13:54

thanks bluejelly, I am English..... but maybe you are right, I need to speak to more English mother tongue people - I work, live and socialise with people that have English as a second language. I am particularly nervous talking to EnglishMT people on the phone. THey always sound so confident...... and all my sentences come out back to front!

OP posts:
Original poster
leogaela · 31/05/2006 13:57

MrsBigD, some of it may be to do with me changing as a person. I work in IT and 99.999999% with men, I think I used to use my feminity a lot in communicating with them, but now I feel differently about myself.

What have you done to feel more confident?

OP posts:
lua · 31/05/2006 14:02

Leogaela, I feel the same way as you.
I usually make a joke like: - when will my brain return, ha ha . But I am starting to worry! I am definetely not as sharp, and my work is all about thinking! Sometimes that gets me down. But then, I think, give us a break! Raising children is hard work! and I now have part of my brain being occupied with when and which vaccines to give, what will I do with DD to improve her mood, when should I wean, etc, etc...
So, I agree MrsD! It is a question of priorities! I'm sure if you go back to put your full attention in the job you will feel different! But have you heard about anyone ion the death bed saying I wished I have worked more?!Wink

MrsBigD · 31/05/2006 14:05

Ah yes... IT... used to work in that sector too and yes femininity works Grin

It's only natural that you feel differently about yourself... pg and kids do that to you.

I actually went back to what I used to to beforehand (being a PA/secretary/dogsbody) simply because I knew I could do it with my eyes closed and with only 2h sleep a night.

Also I've started working out again (once dh is home from work). It makes my day quite long and exhausting* but I really seem to benefit.

get up 0530/0600 'thanks' to kids, get some chores done, get kids ready, go to work, come home, more chores and prepping dinner, wait for dh to come home so I can dash to gym, dinner, get kids into bed, fall into bed totally wrecked Grin. And I used to complain about not having any spare time when I wasn't married with children!!! Oh what a fool I was Grin

Original poster
leogaela · 31/05/2006 15:14

I have just taken a deep breath and made that phone call! The person I spoke to was really nice and very, very grateful that I have taken up her project :):):):). Confidence has taken a little step upwards!

Lua - I definitely don't want to work more Shock at the thought of it, just watn to feel that I can do what I am required to do!

MrsBigD, great you have so much energy! Getting up at 5.30/6 is horrible! I also love to run in the evenings, definitely need to burn up the stress in my shoulders.

OP posts:
MrsBigD · 31/05/2006 15:16

leogaela ... who said I have energy Grin I'm sure my 2 little energy vampires drain that of me Grin

Blackduck · 31/05/2006 15:23

For me I think so much of it is unimportant....I work in IT too and it isn't just the work, its the things the blokes I work with think are important - fast cars, the latest gadget, the YAWN! I just don't have the time or inclination.......

Original poster
leogaela · 31/05/2006 15:36

Blackduck, you are lucky! at least the guys where you are talk about something!!!! No one talks here! That's somethign I miss about working in the UK there was always a social element at work.

OP posts:
Blackduck · 31/05/2006 15:42

not a programmer are you? or a dba? They don't talk in my experience....

Blackduck · 31/05/2006 15:42

not a programmer are you? or a dba? They don't talk in my experience....

Original poster
leogaela · 31/05/2006 16:04

No, I'm a business analyst and project manager, but sit in a room full of developer adn dbas. you?

OP posts:
lua · 31/05/2006 16:11

Leogaela,
I suspect is the swiss thing... I work in switzerland for 6 months, and there was always someone telling silly things like:

  • But in switzerland we all learn that we are supposed to bend our knees before lifting something heavily.
  • Errr... what do you think we learn in the rest of the world?!?!?!

But it got to me! i always felt that I could never be quite as good as the swiss.

Blackduck · 31/05/2006 19:47

Leog - nope I'm an infrastructure specialist (ie I do the network stuff and servers) - just me experience is dbas and programmers don't talk Grin Whereas network/infrastructure people talk about cars, memory, computers, and anything else they can think of - different strokes, different folks.....Grin

Original poster
leogaela · 01/06/2006 08:45

Lua - I know exactly what you are saying!
In my case I think the whole environment here makes me feel like a small insignificant woman. Most of the guys here have NEVER worked with women, several are single and probably never have any contact with women. They have a way of treating women as if we are china dolls and a littel bit stupid (one guy given a headcount told me that needed to find a man to work on his team, I said 'or woman' and he replied 'oh, no women don't do technical work and anyway I wouldn't feel I could put a woman under any pressure' Shock! I work 60% which probably doesn't help my case. A lot of them are very traditional and really think that a woman's place is at home with the children, they don't think I should work and can't understand that I want to. I should rise above it all, I did used to but I'm just finding it tough at the moment. I've just taken on another project working with people in the UK :o and hopefully it will be better than the last one and I will win back some credibility and confidence. And I've just wangled a trip to London :o! Oxford Street here I come :o!

OP posts:
Blackduck · 01/06/2006 08:49

Leog - Know the feeling - I think some men in IT have a definate view of women, it is a very male dominated environment. You obviously are good enough so hang on to that - and keep fighting your corner...

MrsBigD · 01/06/2006 12:04

BD... some IT men don't even know what a woman is Grin.

Leog as for woman not being technical... yes we are just in a different way :) I solved some problems the guys got stuck with ... sometimes with knowledge and sometimes intuitively. Boy did they hate that Grin

Stick to your guns and you'll be fine.

Blackduck · 01/06/2006 12:29

MBD - dead right Grin

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