Signed off sick - advice please

[Broodymomma]

Really need some advice please. I have been signed off work with stress for 4 weeks due to having suddenly become the only carer for my father who has dementia and Parkinson's . My mother is in hospital and the whole situation just became too much to deal with and I became very anxious and my doctor signed me off with stress.

My work have contacted me and suggested its more appropriate for me to take unpaid leave. I have no previous issues with sickness and just wondering where I stand if I have the sick line from the doctor. Do I need to agree to loose my pay? I totally understand from works point of view they do not see me as being sick but there is no way mentally I could cope with work at the moment along with everything else. Any advice?

Well, no you don't need to agree. It seems likely they think you are taking the time to care for your dad, in which case of course unpaid leave would be more appropriate.

Have they seen your doctors certificate?

Yes they have it. It has been a very difficult time and my emotions are all over the place

Of course, it sounds like you're really going through the mill.

But if you are in fact using your time off work to care for your father, I can see their point. If you felt better and the doctor signed you fit to work on Monday, would you be able to go in, or are you caring for your father during working hours?

It doesn't sound like a problem which is going away anytime in the immediate future- have you contacted the appropriate people to get some kind of care in place?

I remember when I had a brief stint as a line manager and had absence training it was said that a sick note is not a 'get out of jail card'. As doctors do not issue them with consistency or know the full requirements of your role, therefore compassionate leave may be more appropriate than sick leave.

You must be having an terrible time, but I can see why your employer thinks it is caused by the stress of looking after your parents which is causing you not to be able to work.

Our work would ask you to attend the occupational health department to assess your condition that is preventing you from working. They would then decide if you were fit to work and what were the appropriate next steps. If they decided you were fit for work the doctors note would not make a difference.

Thanks for the advice. I totally see it from works point of view and have dealt with sickness as a manager with them before but never heard of anyone being put in this position having provided a doctors line regardless of the reason.

Bottom line is I am mentally exhausted and on a roller coaster at the moment and doing my very best to hold things together. I did initially ask for careers leave as in the 14 years I have been there I have only had 2 carer days. I will just have too see what comes next when I return to work and face it then. Thanks for the advice

You poor thing. Sounds really tough. Do you have support from age uk or anyone else?

You must look after yourself. If you are not up to work go back to the doc. Do you have a union? Take care

This sounds pretty tough? are you in a union? does your company have any family friendly/compassionate leave/dependants policy?

My MIL is a late stage sufferer of Parkinsons - she is now bed bound and has carers visits 4 times a day.

It was 4 years ago that we brought in the carers. My sil had to spend several hours in tears at the council offices, but it paid off and they immediately started home visits. FIL couldn't cope and also had a heart attack around the same time.

Up to then FIL and family hadn't wanted to ask for help - we are not a family that expectss or asks for help, benefits etc so it was very hard for FIL and the rest of the family to accept that there comes a point when you have to ask.

Obviously i don't know how advanced the parkinsons is - the Parkinsons society is fantastic - they should be able t oadvise at what stage you need to be seeking support. The carers that visit MIL are fantastic, they change her pads (incintinence), wash her, dress her etc. All stuff that we cannot do - the fact that its not close family doing all this very personal stuff means she has kept her dignity.

I really hope you can get through this period. Parkinsons is something that people don't understand until it affects their family.

Marie

Forgive me but I'm not sure just seeing what comes next is the best idea. This isn't a sustainable situation for you, and you are suffering from stress. You need to be taking some action to make this more bearable and manageable.

Your fathers need for care isn't going to go away any time soon, and you have a job. You need to be making a pest of yourself to whoever at the council/social services/hospital/whoever to get some care for your father. Reach out to the Parkinson's Society as the previous poster suggested.

If you initially asked for carers leave but your employer refused, that's a shame, but it sounds as though they are offering it now. Assuming you can't get alternative care sorted in the next couple of weeks you could take up that offer of some unpaid leave while you get it resolved.

I understand its a very upsetting and stressful time but I imagine knowing you are taking some action will help reduce some of that stress.

with flowery 100% on this, before I had children I was sole carer for my Dad after a stroke and he was blind, I took far more carers live in a year than I have in 8 years of my Dt's, because as a mum you are expected to get on with it but my children are not ill constantly.

don't get me wrong I took 6 weeks sick in a situation like yours when it all became too much for me and it didn't get better until I had to admit it was me who needed to take control, I had respected his wishes the whole way to the detriment of my health, I needed my wishes respected, a difficult moment for a child, overriding the parent.

I made him go into a care home, only down the road from me, he lived 16 miles from my home before and I never got home before 10pm sorting him out even though he had other care coming in from time to time in the day.
he was not happy even though I know he liked it in the care home, but it was the best all round, i still had more carers leave as he was constantly getting ill, or run over at the local Zebra crossing (the village got a traffic light crossing off the back of his many accidents, he seemed to think a white stick held aloft was a deflector shield :) ) You might like to blame the care home but I chose it as the residents where free to come and go as they pleased if able and whilst he did get run over 3 times about 10 yards from the home, he managed trips to London, Hythe, Eastborne amongst others without aid of speech or good eyesight.

Who has the medicial degree...the doctor. He decides if you are fit to work. In his opinion you are not. End of.

Work cannot declare you fit to work. Imagine you decided to return due to the no pay, injury happens - what would happen then?

you are unfit for work, that is their tough.

holidaysarenice the doctor does not decide if someone is fit to work or not. They can only advise what the patients limitations are due to their condition as they are not fully aware of the patients job requirements or the measures their employer can put in place to help an individual return to work.

Not saying its right or wrong, but that's the way it was explained to us in our training. This has been more apparent with the introduction of fit notes replacing sick notes a couple of years ago.