If you work full-time, do you feel isolated from school-age DC's social and other life?

[onedoodle]

Not sure where to post this, but I work full-time and have been feeling in increasingly worried about whether I am sufficiently available to my DC's, especially my DD who is in reception. Specifically, there seems to be a real divide between the kids who have one stay at home parent and those who don't - the former seem to go on a lot of play dates with each other for example, whilst the latter don't.

More generally, I have noticed amongst my friends who stay at home or work part-time, that through school they have often built up a really good network of local friends, to the benefit of them and their kids. This hasn't happened for me.

I don't really want to cut back on my hours too much, partly because although we could survive on DH's salary for now, his job is not that stable. We would need my salary if he was made redundant. Also, I love my job. But I am very worried though that I am putting my own need to work before my kids. (In fact, been working especially hard lately and didn't get round to arranging a third birthday party for DS. We had a lovely day as a family, but I now feel absolutely terrible about that as well!)

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar position? What have you done about it, if anything?

I'm afraid that's an accurate summary of what happens in my experience.

On the bright side though, you are spared the school gate dramas.

Ha! Thanks slug, will remember that. Not sure whether I like the sound of that or even what kind of dramas these could be!

Bound, I feel even more depressed now - but thanks for the honesty!

Maybe I should reduce my hours which where I work, would genuinely mean kissing career prospects good bye. Dilemma.

I think it's easier when they get older and the DC have their own friends that they definitely want to play with rather than just playing with the children of their parents' friends. I've generally tried to organise playdates at weekends and in holidays - with parents in tow if need be to get to know each other.

I suspect this is area dependent but I've also found that a lot of the inter parent friendships are strongest at pre-school/infants stage and tail of by juniors when more parents are working - and if not working, not hanging round school so much.

I feel your pain, exactly the same for me. We both work full time, so any catch up is in holidays or at weekends, but even then, I tend to to organise too much as we have chores to do, appts to keep and want to spend together, either out or just chilling at home.

It is hard but I notice that now DD is near ly in juniors,it has got better. I hope she will benefit just as much from family time and the closer friendships she has. The parents of her closest friend also work.

I think it is true but only for the infants years. Make sure you go to mums nights out, maybe volunteer at PTA events, go to the PTA meetings and perhaps go to the odd coffee morning? Those are the main ways of actually properly meeting people anyway. I don't think is worth screwing up career for a v smalle number of years when there are other things you can do to build those relationships.

Definitely, my DCs are in years 4 and 2, I work part time within school hours and I don't know any mums from their school that work full time, I'm sure there must be some, but I don't know any of them because they aren't at the school gate. It is only for a few years though, your career is for life.

Are there any clubs and activities that your DCs go to in the evenings or weekends? It is often possible to get to know other parents while you are waiting for DCs at swimming lessons etc, or if you volunteer to help out at Brownies or something.

I feel exactly the same but DD is only in pre-school. I was phased out by one mum I was v close to when I was on mat leave in favour of another mum who was more available. I try to get round this by organising lots of playdates. The mums aren't unfriendly but vast majority are SAHMs or part-time if they do work. I can't not work full time but it is a shame as I hate to think of the DC missing out.

Yes, I echo what the others have said. Ds has definite friends now (Y3) so it's more possible to arrange things for him socially outside school hours. Ds does have one SAHP (not me!) but my DH can't really do anything with him as he is chronically ill and in a wheelchair, so swimming lessons after school and suchlike aren't possible - I have to cram that stuff into weekends like everyone else.

I have found it very handy to do the morning drop off at school, in terms of meeting other parents who are more connected to the school social life than I am and so are helpful in terms of networking (that sounds very calculating, it isn't meant to!) If you can manage a school run maybe once a week or something, this may prove useful.

You could maybe try and arrange a networking event specifically for working parents - there will be others in your situation who would welcome the chance to get to know a few people at the school?

I also feel exactly the same. My DS is in reception and I feel a bit cut off from all the playdates etc... I have managed to just reduce my hours a little bit so that I can pick him up twice a week and this does seem to help a little bit. I also make an effort to socialise with his best friends' Mums and this helps to keep in touch with what's going on. To be honest, I still work the number of hours I worked when full time , just at differnt times. This is a bit frustrating as I get paid less but I think as others have said in a few years I can go back to full time (and full paid) hours.

I work full time but dd has lots of school friends, and Im friends with the school mums. I met them at the birthday parties at the weekends when dd was in nursery invited them to mine and now they are in reception I spend time with the parents socially so the chidren play together.

Just invite them on nights out and invite them into your existing social circle.

It's true that this does happen, and it's also true that it passes. As the DCs get older, they develop their own friendship groups and do their own thing. I have also found that there are two distinct groups of mums - those who are always there at the school gate to arrange play dates, and those who work. Those who work in my experience tend to hook up via social media and organise get togethers that way - usually on weekends, because hey, we work. It all turns out fine.

My DDs got lots of invites to parties from friends whose mums didn't work, it was never a problem.

Thanks so much everyone, that's really reassuring and helpful advice. I feel much better about it now, perhaps just need to chill out a bit and let things happen. Thanks again.

Yes, I am in your position exactly and it's really upsetting.
I feel like I don't know what goes on at school, get annoyed if I miss out on letters home ref school stuff. It's hard but unavoidable If you have to work.

I don't worry about it too much tbh. I do actually do the school run quite a bit but don't have time to stand around nattering as many of the parents are able to do, as I'm usually rushing off or arriving just in time, and I certainly can't be taking up my working day going for coffees with other mums etc. I work from the minute I drop DC off until the minute I have to leave to collect them, and two full days as well.

A lot of the socialising when they're small seems to be by and for the parents, while as they get bigger they choose their own friends. I don't feel DS1, who is now in year 1, has missed out. He's got plenty of friends at school, and certainly isn't the only one without a SAHM, or one who works very few hours. I also don't feel the need to start socialising with other parents - I know quite a few of them to speak to from school gate/parties etc but I don't have enough time with DH as it is let alone spending our time socialising with people who happen to have children the same age.

You don't always have to 'reduce' your hours to do the occassional school run if you'd like to - have you thought seriously about changing your hours one day a week so you work the same hours either earlier or later?

I personally feel the whole school system set up expects a SAHP at home. Daytime meetings, notices on the school window, the invitation to drop things into the school office or to the cake stand stall at drop off time.

I have found it very difficult to deal with the guilt since DS started. I freelance (almost full time) so I have a little more flex than you. However I would say:

1. You might be assuming that the children who have parents at the gates are enjoying a social whirl of playdates when that isn't the case. I get the impression at our school it isn't how it is.

I know I was concerned I was missing out on time talking to DS's teacher at drop/collect until a SAHP said that she rarely gets to speak to the teacher.

2. I have been proactive with DS and have initiated contact with parents of kids he likes to arrange w/end or holiday meet ups.

If I wasn't pregnant I would have organised parent drinks too.

It sounds like work might not flex. But I do think it might make you feel better if you could get there 1 day a week. I know some working parents that literally "just" do the collection and hand DC over to a nanny back at home to finish work. Would they go for a day or half a day at home?

I worked full time from the moment my youngest started in reception. I think the reality is that you just have to work harder at keeping in the loop, planning ahead for play dates . But it's perfectly possible to manage it all without feeling isolated. I always made sure I did the occasional school run by rearranging my work hours maybe once every few months- but this was more for my benefit to know what went on.
What also helped was using a child minder for 2 picks up a week (children did after school club the other 3) They enjoyed the club and had friends of working mums there, but using my childminder also meant they got a couple of afternoons of 'down time' where it was less structured. Also I gave my cm a list of friends who I was happy for the children to go to after school on an off the cuff play date

Overall I am very happy with my decision, particularly as it saved me from the school gate politics and the coffee shop meet ups after the school drop off, which from what I gathered through other mums could at worst turn into a bit of a gossip session where mums competed over which reading book their child was on.