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Original poster

Help needed from bullying boss

17 replies

redwiner · 31/05/2013 13:35

My 18yo dd is in her first job as an apprentice hairdresser. When she was taken on almost a year ago everything was fine to begin with but for the last 2 or 3 months her boss (its a small salon, about 6 stylists and owned by her boss) has begun being really awful to my dd. Everything she does is criticised, her boss runs her down in front of the staff and clients, if a client compliments my dd then the boss makes a negative comment. Sometimes the clients look taken aback but none of the other staff actually challenges the boss for fear of their own job or themselves being the target. I want to go down there and say something but my dh says we must not interfere, that dd has to be able to stand up to this woman herself - which I agree with to a degree but I feel sick with worry and hurt for my dear girl. I know I am biased but in truth dd would never be anything but friendly, helpful and pleasant to anyone and I think that she is actually jealous of her youth and popularity. What can either I do to help or my dd do to sort this out?

OP posts:

SuzySuzSuz · 31/05/2013 16:17

Could you help her with some role play to build her confidence and give her some suggestions at to what to say / do? It might start off a bit giggly but if she plays the role of her boss then you can play the role of her guiding her with what she could do?

Ideally, she needs to ask him for a private word and give some examples of the way he's treated her and ask if there is an issue?

If he keeps up this treatment, unless there's some one higher to complain to (which to be honest even if there is they may unfortunately not be too bothered with apprentices) then you need to prepare daughter to look elsewhere.

I don't know if there are other opportunities or places, I just feel that I would want to teach her that, whilst there's a degree of doing what it takes to get along in the work place, I wouldn't be prepared to be treated in that manner.

chenin · 31/05/2013 16:48

How utterly dreadful. I know exactly how you feel as something like this happened to my DD2 when she was about 16 or 17. I know the feeling of powerlessness and wanting to protect.

My DD1 worked in a pub washing up and general dogsbody. She is a very easygoing girl and a hard worker, but I think perhaps she said if she felt something wasn't right and she stuck up for others. The manager was as thick as pig shit and my DD2 was quite a precise girl in her way of doing things and it probably got up his nose in some way. No idea. He was absolutely vile to her.... think Gordon Ramsay and screaming 'you're a f**g stupid cow, f*k off out my kitchen' type thing... all the time. Every shift he would swear at her. I literally lost sleep about it but I knew I couldn't intervene and it was going to be one of life's lessons for her. but that didn't stop me giving him the evils every time I went to the pub.

She worked SO hard up there doing more than her fair share, and she stuck it for as long as she could but there was no way she could cope with this bullying for long because she was visibly upset every time she got home from working up there. I talked it through with her, I cuddled her, I consoled her, I was a sounding board, but in the end I let her sort it out. She waited till he was really short staffed when a couple of people had moved on, and he hadn't managed to recruit anyone and she gave a week's notice. Hahaha... his face was a picture apparently. He was really in the shit without her. Serves him right.

Redwiner... there is nothing you can do but support her, help with tactics, what to say, etc... but in the end she has to sort it out herself. But I do know how sick I was with worry with my DD. Good luck.

shadylady89 · 31/05/2013 19:03

helliebean, why couldn't you intervene? You didn't have to leave your poor DD to suffer, you could have advised her to just quit on the spot. The last thing children of that age need is to be left to their own devices against a bullying adult.

OP, I would suggest that your DD should quit and chalk it up to experience, rather than put herself through more anguish.

chenin · 31/05/2013 19:13

Well.... shady... there was no way I was going to go up to the pub and tear him off a strip because she begged me not to! (Believe me, I wanted to). I suggested she just left, but she really didn't want me to get involved. She wanted to sort it out herself and kept saying 'Mum, I'll cope, let me do it MY way'. She's older now and we've talked of it and she's proud of how she dealt with it and it was a life lesson learnt (one of many...)

shadylady89 · 31/05/2013 19:31

Helliebean, if your DD was in such a state every time she came home, you had a duty as a parent to intervene, whether it be going to confront the bully on her behalf or persuading your DD to quit there and then. She coped, good for her, but what if she hadn't and it had affected other aspects of her life such as exams, for example? How would you have felt then?

Sorry OP, going off topic here.

Portofino · 31/05/2013 19:37

No at 18, you should give advice and be supportive, but no way should you go charging in. Work is TOUGH sometimes. You have to learn the skills to deal with things. Transactional Analysis is something worth googling - you cannot change the other person, but you can change the way you respond to them. I found this very helpful when I was younger.

chenin · 31/05/2013 19:58

Well... Shady... There are 17 yr olds and there are 17 yr olds. If it had been DD1 it would have been different. She would have coped very differently.

Do you think I would have let her suffer unnecessarily? It's only Mum who knows the character of the child and if it had been affecting her exams, her sleep, her wellbeing, believe me I would have intervened. We talked a lot about it. I sat there saying 'just leave the bloody job, it's not worth you getting upset blah blah' but when you have a child not far off 18 years old who wants to handle something in their own way, you have to let them. I am not the sort of parent to go crashing into college/uni/work challenging those that have upset their precious baby.

My DDs know I am behind them every step of the way and in fact most of the time I might have been accused of being too 'hands on' but once your kids reach a certain age you have to respect them as a near adult who is slowly cutting the apron strings and doing things their way. I was beside her every step of the way in what she wanted to do and you might not have noticed that I said I had sleepless nights about it. I know about parental duty.

Sorry OP. Sidetracked.

shadylady89 · 31/05/2013 20:14

Helliebean we'll have to agree to disagree on this. Each child is different, each parent is different, and each circumstance is different.

chenin · 31/05/2013 20:22

Too right we will!

I just bristle at the thought that someone would think I would let my DD suffer unnecessarily. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have no idea how old your DCs are but once children reach a certain age you can't fight all their battles for them. You have to respect what they want too.

shadylady89 · 31/05/2013 20:24

Yes I know that, I don't need to be patronised thank you. Can we leave it now?

chenin · 31/05/2013 20:34

Patronising? Why on earth are you saying that? You were the one who questioned my parental duty and I patiently tried to explain how it worked with my DD. I thought I ended on a nice note so I'm puzzled by that. Oh well.. yes please do leave it.

kiwimumof2boys · 01/06/2013 10:57

Ahem. Back to OP please, ladies ? Thank you.

I think Role playing is a great idea Op as someone has already mentioned.
Phrases such as "Sorry, whats the issue here?" said assertively might help.
Good luck.

chenin · 01/06/2013 12:02

Yes, role play is a brilliant idea. I've done it with my DDs before now when they've got themselves into tricky situations with 'adults' and it really helps (once as Suzy says they get over a fit of the giggles!)

shadylady89 · 04/06/2013 10:29

Helliebean: "Patronising? Why on earth are you saying that?"

I wasn't going to say any more helliebean, but since you posed the question, I'll answer it. Instead of just agreeing to disagree and stepping back, you decided to tell me how to deal with my DC and that I "have to respect what they want too". Well, thank you for that advice, which was neither expected nor wanted from someone who knows nothing at all about me. That's what I mean by patronising. You were the one who chose to lay out in great detail who things work for you, and then objected when I pointed out that it doesn't work that way for everyone.

JakeBullet · 04/06/2013 10:36

shadeylady89, reading through that spat it is YOU who overstepped the mark. You were told so - deal with it or leave the thread unless you have something useful to add.

chenin · 04/06/2013 12:24

Good grief, Shady... you asked me why I couldn't intervene with my daughter and told me I had left my 'poor DD' to suffer. I then patiently explained (twice) that she had begged me not to, and she wanted to deal with it on her own.

You then came back with this... which to me is questioning my parenting skills when I had carefully explained why I hadn't intervened.
Helliebean, if your DD was in such a state every time she came home, you had a duty as a parent to intervene, whether it be going to confront the bully on her behalf or persuading your DD to quit there and then. She coped, good for her, but what if she hadn't and it had affected other aspects of her life such as exams, for example? How would you have felt then?

Shady, I don't even know if you have DCs or how old they are, and and I wouldn't dream of telling you how to deal with them (unlike you who told me I had a duty to intervene and I let my poor DD suffer). I talked of young adults in general and how they want support from Mum, but also them wanting to fight their own battles.

I don't post that often... I was trying to be helpful to the OP and wasn't expecting this.

JanuaryTwenty · 04/06/2013 15:22

I think you've been trolled, Helliebean. If that happens it's best to stop replying, because a troll never lets you have the last word.

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