Hi all,
I have been awake since five this am as have been worrying, so who better to turn to than mum net.
I trained as a health professional, later in life, then had two years working in a job that wasn't very clinical. I then got pregnant and my child is now two, but for the last two years have been a stay at home mum. Out of the blue, a local hospital asked if I would come in and cover a 3 day a week shift for a month. I did some training in this type of role during my degree but apart from that have had no ward experience per se. All of my family were excited for me as they are keen for me to go back to work. Everyone has gone out of their way to ensure my son is left with family members.
BUT I had two days at work with someone whose job I was about to take, the they put me on the wards. I trained in this job and am mean to know what I'm doing, and I felt completely lost. My head was all over the place. I suddenly thought I don't know what I'm doing, and other staff were obviously not too impressed, my predecessor was very good at her job and then I walked in and , well, I'm not good at it. It's been a complete shock to the system, and yesterday, I was one of those people who nearly cried at work. My heart rate increased and I panicked and I thought I coudln't be responsible for patients. I'd start one patient, then their plans would change, my notes were all over the place, and it was a disaster and as I said I suddenly panicked. I had to go up to my manager and say I couldn't do it. I felt so ashamed. She came down with me (poor woman is obviously very stressed as she is going on leave next week). She looked panicky as I could see she was hoping I could just do it.
She said she would examine my patient cards that I had achieved (I didn't manage to get through many at all and my notes are all over the place) on Friday.
My family have all changed their plans, travelled far and wide to look after my son. I feel awful I'm doing a job I'm rubbish at and I don't know what I'm doing. I spent last night in tears and I can't sleep.
I know I should be proactive about this and I have some research, but it's more I just couldn't cope (my son is still up a lot in the night too, which I don't think helps). I feel an absolute failure and completely incompetent.
I was always honest about my lack if experience but I don't think they realised how rubbish I would be. I was driving back last night and thought I feel like I'm letting everyone down but also that I can't do anything any more. I've trained in this profession, and hate it and am no good at it. I couldn't complete simple tasks and I had limited time. I couldn't focus. I feel stupid and of course don't want to do the wrong with a patient, hene me going to my manager saying I couldn't do it (I know this is the worst thing to say but at the time, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I just had to get out of the ward). Driving home I started to wonder what can I do anymore. I tried to fix the computer keyboard and then get my son ready for bed and I realised I'm so scatty.
I feel a failure (which I am) jobs are hard to come by. I don't know what to do. Did anyone else feel like this when going bad to work?
Maybe it's just me.. x