3 yr old says he doesn't like his nanny - help!

[phb]

Can anyone help me? (I'm new to talking on here but have been a passive participant for ages - I'm hoping to tap into all that wisdom out there!)

My 3 year old boy tells me consistently and earnestly when we are alone together that he doesn't like his nanny. She started with us about 6 months ago, after my previous nanny of over 2 years (whom my son had adored) returned to Australia with her husband. The new one seems a lovely girl and had fantastic references (I had been searching for 3 months and had interviewed about 20 others when I found her, and I was delighted to find her), and seems very good with him. He is perfectly happy to go to her in the mornings and seems to have an active, full, varied time with her.

I have tried to ask him what he doesn't like about her, but he just says that she isn't kind to him and she tells him to hurry up all the time. Although he can't express it, I think there's more to it than that, from the earnestness with which he talks about it. He is not a whinger generally and I am inclined to take him seriously, although of course I don't want to overreact. At first I thought it was simply attributable to him missing his old nanny, and the new one being a different type of personality, but we're 6 months on now and he's still saying that he doesn't like her.

I don't want to upset or offend her, and I don't want her to take it out on him for telling me, but it's really breaking my heart and I am going to have to discuss this with her.

Anyone been there? Any advice?

bells, not much more to add. I'm sorry this nanny problem is nagging away at your happiness during your precious maternity leave.

I think you've ben given some wonderful advice. I agree that your nanny is not irreplaceable and I have seen how easily children adapt to new carers, as long as the quality of care is good. I really think the idea of phasing in more nursery time for your son is a good one. Such a pity you have to start work at 7.00 am. Is there any way you could start later - or even work from home till, say, 9.00 am each day? I remember you saying that you work from home one day a week. Could you switch, and work from home for one or two hours each morning instead? Then options such as a day nanny or nursery would be more open to you. As you probably know, the government is putting increasing pressure on employers to consider the parent's right to flexitime if at all possible - I believe this may become law soon - since your employers have already agreed to amend your working week, will they go this one step further - and could you bear losing your Friday at home?

I'll keep my thinking hat on about this. It sounds like you'll be saying goodbye to your nanny sooner rather than later.

Well, told hubby last night I was very unhappy with her and wanted a new one. He was not very keen on the idea at all as he is very concerned at upsetting/unsettling our son.

Anyway after much debate, we have agreed that I will try to look for a different job which involves shorter hours and less stress at which point we will change our childcare arrangements. In the mean time, I will keep a log of all the incidences of unhelpfulness etc and after 3 months, if it is still a problem she will go in any event. We are also sitting down with her immediately before our holiday in March to raise these issues and effectively give her a warning.

Thanks again for all your posts - it has been really helpful. Sadly Tigermoth, the hours between 7 and 10 are far and away the busiest of the working day for me and it would be out of the question to miss them. V interested SueW to hear of your nanny- perhaps you could let me know shen she is back in the country?. I am alsoways v keen on persinal recommendation.

Good luck and let us know how you get on with your dossier (brilliant idea) and the job-hunting. Like so many difficult decisions, starting to take some concrete action is the hardest part. We used a forthcoming holiday (childminder's) as a spur to review our childcare provision too. Hope the outcome is as satisfactory for your family as it was for ours in the end.

bells2 I have just caught up with this thread and I have got to sympathise with you as I have gone through a similar situation with the nanny from hell. My daughters loved her but I couldn't stand her, she would never do any fun activities with the kids and would spend a lot of time dumping them infront of the TV. Being 2yrs old and a baby of 6 months I had no idea what was going on until we got rid of her. She refused to do even the most normal of nanny duties, but I prepared to put up with her for the sake of my kids who seemed to adore her.

The stress alomst caused me to lose my job as it all started when I went back to work after maternity leave, and it was only after a huge tearful apraisal session at work that I realsied how c**p it had all got and how I didn't care the cost I had to get someone else. I know from other posts you are paying a fortune for your nanny, so you have the right to be happy.

Now we have 'Super Nanny' or that is what I call her. She is fantastic, my kids love her and I love her. She was the only person we interviewed and I was so worried that we were making a mistake again that I dithered about employing her without interviewing loads of others. But instinct won, and as we thought she would be temporary (originally we employed her for 3 months). We decided to keep her on and although it is a huge strain financially I have never been happier. I can work, my husband can work (when he gets a job) and my house is a pleasent place to be again.

I know you have decided to review in 3 months, but think seriously about it, surelly you need no extra stress when you go back?

Good luck

Good luck Bells - you may even find that just by having an action plan in your mind it helps you to deal assertively with the unacceptable elements of her behaviour, which could help until things get properly sorted, who knows. Hope it all works out!

Bells, I'm so glad you've now agreed on a plan, and I hope your search for a job with convenient hours is successful very soon.

Hope the warning talk with your nanny goes as smoothly as possible. Do keep posting here for support.

Cripes SueW - she stays FIRMLY behind on all our holidays!. Would definitely love to know when Debbie arrives.

Nanny update. Well we sat down and had our chat and I was very proud of myself for once being able to be direct and firm. She admitted that she could be more considerate towards our needs and after a few tears and so on on her part, she has agreed to be try a lot harder in this regard. We have put a positive action plan in place so hopefully things will improve. Thanks once again for all your help and support.

Well done Bells, it can't have been easy for you, I would have dreaded such an event. I'm glad it seems as if she knows she's on a warning as it will make her re-evaluate her position in the house. I really hope it all works out for you all...

(PS bet babybells is HUGE now, ahh I'm still pushing away any broodiness I feel with big sticks!)

Hi there Lizzer. Babybells is indeed enormous and michelin man-like.... Bought her THE most ridiculous frilly pink swimsuit for our trip to Dubai tomorrow. How do you mothers of girls resist all these gorgeous clothes????

I don't. I am vicariously indulging my passion for pink frills, ribbon rosebuds, embroidered flowers etc, fortunately my daughter loves them too!

Bells, hope you have/had a lovely time in Dubai. Its weird with the girly-girl theory for me, because I totally resisted doing dd up like a birthday present for quite a while 'my daughter will wear practical dungarees and cotton t-shirts' until I realised she was being mistaken for a boy everywhere we went. Suddenly out went the fleeces and in came the diaphanous, frilly gowns - with matching hair slides, of course! Somehow she did still keep getting mistaken for a boy though...eeek!!!

After having a boy and being stuck with combinations of navy blue and orange/yellow/turquoise for so many years, it's great fun dressing a girl. I can't help buying, I think it's like dressing a favourite doll! My dd's middle name is Rosebud so when I see rosebuds on things I have to have them. Last year BHS had t-shirts with Princess Rosebud embroidered on them, had to have one! R

Rosebud - what a lovely name.

Batters, I love Gymboree clothes too, my daughter had a pair of denim shorts which was a skirt at the front (skorts?) ... she loved it, and my son had dungarees which made him feel exactly like Bob the Builder. Alas, we are currently building an extension on our house, and so are extremely skint, shopping trips are OUT for the moment, otherwise I would be straight down there!

Bells
You can't get away with it - my dd'd favourite colour is pink and preferably sparkly(?!) As you know from having seen me I am a woman of taste so this is something I have to let her get out of her system. I believe that young girls must be allowed to dress ( and be dressed) with all the frills in the hope that they will then reject all that at teenage and become as tasteful as their mothers!!

I agree with CAM - I am sure my secret hankering for pink frills is because I never had them as a child!

I too an obsessed with dressing my daughters in pink, but I do this with a modicum of logic. If virtually everything in their wardrobe is pink, it will all go together!
Now at 3 my eldest not just loves all things pink, she wants to wear dresses, fairy wings and ballerina shoes all the time! I do allow her to choose her clothes sometimes and the sparkly party dress, big knitted stripy jumper with wellies or ballet shoes is a favourite combo! I just can't stand 'character' clothes like Barbie, so these are banned but for pyjamas. Then her favs are old fashioned cotton ones from Boden (pink and flowery of course!) But like Rhiannon my girls are little flowers - Poppy and Daisy, so it's not my fault!!

Aaah, what lovely names Crunchie.

I love pink and so do my DD's. The older one is a teenager so she mixes her pinks with grunge and Rock Chick look clothes. I ring the changes with my younger DD by buying her purple, now and then. Yesterday I had quite a shock as she received a late birthday present of a summer outfit in peach and green - how very novel and revolutionary!! My girls would also dress our kitten in pink, given half the chance.

Sorry to return to the initial theme (almost) of this thread, but I'd appreciate some advice as to how to approach a change of nanny. We've had the same nanny for over 3 years, but she's moving on at Easter. So far, we've avoided telling ds (nearly 4) and dd (nearly 2) as we think it best to leave it till almost the last moment. The new nanny's having an "induction day" next week, so we'll be broaching the subject after that. Any other thoughts/advice?

Bells2, how is it going now, many months later? Just searching around for something else and found this thread again.