Never Again. That is ... until I change my mind!!

[muminaquandary]

Sorry a bit long!! And, TBH, this post could go as Student Parents / Nannies Au-Pairs etc / Job shares / SAHM vs WOTH. I just need to explain & describe to a hopefully objective audience what I have just been through!

I went back to work in Jan on a 2 day job share at my old firm, in a support role rather than exec one, which I had previously been in. While DS was 0-2 I was completing a PhD I had started in a previous life & had 1 yr of doing it with 8 hrs childcare pw, then 1 yr with f-t nanny (spending all my savings in the process!!). I felt really keen to get back to work for all the usual reasons: adult company, wearing high heels, visiting Starbucks, going to the loo on my own & oh keeping my skills up to date & bringing in a little money of my own. I had been offered then turned down a PGCE because of the huge commitment it seemed to be - all to get what I hoped would only be a part-time job in the end.

Turns out the job share was a bit of a non-starter because the other half of it had been forced into it against her will, and didn't really want to share, just to work 3 days and keep her old job.

Also, the switch from nanny to au pair was a little fraught, as au pair got ill twice and called in the nanny, then stopped eating, then after about 4 weeks' f-time work (looking after DS Thurs & Fri afternoons after nursery) decided it was too tiring and she needed to go to stay with her parents for a few weeks to recover (!!). She handed her notice in last week & so did I. All for 3 months' worth of pay cheques that got spent on a new suit & childcare (au pair + nanny ended up being a bit pricey!!).

I am now 21 wks pg & have decided that Never Again will I bother to work outside the home pre-school / employ an au pair (especially a French one!!).

OK, so none of this is traumatic particularly in the Grand Scheme of THings, but Can someone please remind me of this in a year's time when I get itchy feet and want to go back to work again? Has anyone else been thru this similar sort of quandary and decided the same?

Sorry can't really help at all, but wanted to thank you for posting about your experience, it is bound to help someone else make a decision in the future.

If you get inchy feet again, think about work you can do yourself, perhaps at home. Can you combine your PhD along with your past work experience in some way to create a business? As you considered a PGCE, is some aspect of teaching a possibility in the future?

Good luck, hope your pregnancy goes well.

I just wanted to add that I have had bizarre work experiences since my DS was born 3 years ago. I was working FT as a social worker, but left when I was TTC as it was unbelievably stressful and I had high blood pressure - and a colleague had just suffered the worst pregnancy, ending up in hospital for months, and I was sure the stress of the job had a big part in this....so was working in an education post when I got pregnant.

When I had DS I too wanted to do no more than 2 days a week; couldn't afford a nanny, and organised nursery - but COULDN'T do it, didn't want to leave him there....so ended up taking crappy weekend retail job! Since then I've chopped and changed, all the jobs I go for have been non-professional level because of the hours, and I can't face social work any more...so career in a mess really, pension buggered up over the last nearly four years....

I say all this because I get angry that there is such difficulty for women who want to care for their kids after they're born. So much simpler for those 'slammers' who put them in nursery full time from babyhood.

On a positive note though muminaquandary, once the kids are at school there is more scope for clawing our way back in....hopefully?

agree SP, and i think there is too much emphasis on pushing women out the door back to work after they have their babies, at the end of the day the government just wants the figures to look good ie more mums back into work quick so employ more nursery/childare staff and employment figures dont' look so bad well at least thats my opinion. I didn't have a high flying job iyswim but it was ok and paid well and i gave it up and i'm pleased i did, I'm considering signing up to a temp agency so that way i can do a weeks work or whatever if i want extra money but no way will i return to work full time until dd is at proper school i'm going to enjoy/tear my hair out/ at every single day i have with her

shelly, you're exactly right, this is a government thing - obviously mothers contribute more in the immediate, financial term, if they are working. However I think the long term costs to society must be greater if mums are to be under an ever-growing pressure to be out at work with other people bringing up their kids...

I also think it partially stems from a genuine desire to give women the options they didn't have just a couple of decades ago, when there were not the choices there are now about childcare, meaning women were more stuck at home and really did lose careers....however I feel the pendulum has swung too far the other way; the govt would have paid something like 70% of my DS nursery fees, had I wanted him there, but I just wish they had paid me this amount in child tax credit to care for him myself!

It doesn't surprise me that this has touched a chord in a bigger picture sort of way ... we are probably the first generation to have fully benefitted from all the choices that come from (higher) education, birth control, delaying parenthood etc etc. But it seems to be that we are evolving into a society where actually it is better / more socially acceptable in the socio-economic sense NOT to have children. When I first went back to work and told friends what I was doing I said, half-joing, Oh I'm part of a downshifting trend amongst over-educated childbearers!!

However trying to do something that was supposedly "less pressure" than my old exec job turned out to be equal pressure because a job is a job whichever way you cut it! Also, the hoped-for compromise by using an au pair + nursery rather than taking on a new nanny added up to nothing because of course au-pair had zero long-term commitment to childcare as a job ...

So with no 2 at the moment I am desperately trying to remind myself that I am Not Going Back To Work until they are both at school. But I found myself checking all my job subscription emails this morning & a jobs website I often look at. So what do I do, brainwash myself?!

However, let no-one be in doubt I love being a Mum. It's just very complex!!

hi all, just started a thread on similar subject before being led here, glad i did, feel less alone.

it bothers me that caring for children is so under valued. its as if they exist in a vacuumof parental selfishness, and not part and future of our society.
when flexibility is discussed, its really only about conforming to whatever has been decided to be the 'acceptable option'

it bothers me also that it is often seen as just a mothers problem.
sorry just needed to vent

Anniemac, I agree with your comments here - I work FT because I want to, not because I feel under pressure to do so and I also take offense at the thought that "other people are bringing up" my ds. For the time that I am with my ds he has my undivided love and attention - he is well cared for while I am at work and he enjoys a wider variety of experiences and interactions than he ever would have stuck at home with a bored and undervalued mum.

Different strokes, really. I have just resigned from my profession, but fully intend to return to work when my children are in school. I am fortunate in that I worked in a profession where qualified and experienced staff are at a premium and I can see no reason why I should not be able to return to well-paid employment easily when I choose to go back. Yes it has been a wrench to say goodbye for now, but I simply couldn't contemplate leaving my children in the care of paid childcarers. That is not to say that I am critical of others for doing just that, though! We all make our own choices.
However... I could say that I rather resent it being suggested that I'm "stuck at home" or "bored and undervalued". What I am doing now has as much value as what I was doing at work, just has worse pay and fewer pension benefits.

Sorry Anniemac - crossed posts and you put it much better than me!

having just decided to take a break from my prof. (law) as you can see on moany chat thread i started... can i ask what is your prof and how do i qualify?!

Nothing very interesing - am a chartered town planner. Very few qualified staff knocking about now, particularly in London as local government pay not especially good in areas with a high cost of living. But good pensions and flexible working hours.
May do some ad hoc freelance for my ex-employer as and when it's offered and I have spare time.

Nothing very interesing - am a chartered town planner. Very few qualified staff knocking about now, particularly in London as local government pay not especially good in areas with a high cost of living. But good pensions and flexible working hours.
May do some ad hoc freelance for my ex-employer as and when it's offered and I have spare time.

sorry - computer on a go-slow!

I didn't mean that SAHM were "stuck at home" or "bored and undervalued" - that's just how I felt when I was at home with ds - however much I love him and want to spend time with him, I also felt a need to return to being me rather than mum for some of the time.

I agree that the point is it shouldn't be so difficult for us all to do what we want whether it be staying at home, working or a mix of both.

this is clearly an emotive issue, as is all which relates to our children.
my view are similar to pooka. i have worked in care for many years and in different roles. am currently in a managing position which i feel can be flexible, after all its a 24/7 job were it not for current line manager opinion. i am sure i can get back into later.
btw the line of work makes me very reluctant to leave child with paid carers. although i am sure there are some wonderful ones out there