Why not mum?

[emsiewill]

This is probably only ever going to be hypothetical for me, but it came up at work today, and it really got me thinking (always dangerous!).
My employers regularly offer secondments to staff. They are usually based far enough away that you need to "live" in a hotel for the week, and are very well paid. At the moment, they seem to be for an average of around 6 months.
We were discussing how lucrative these opportunities were, and someone commented that there were a few people with young families who had taken up the jobs, as it was a great way to make a lot of money for the family, secure the future etc... with a bit of short-term inconvenience. As we talked further, I realised that all the "people" with young families who had done this were actually men with young families. And that got me thinking - well why not me? (or any other mother). Try as I might, I just can't imagine it happening. If dh said he was going to do something like this, I would probably not be 100% happy, but if it meant we could clear all our debts, and save a good amount, I would probably agree. But the organisation and stress that would be involved if it was me going away to do this would be about 50 times more. But why should this be? Dh is just as capable of looking after the kids as I am (in theory), so why does this just seem so unimaginable? The emotional side of this is another issue - why should dads be expected to be away from their kids for 75% of the time without minding, whereas if a mother did it, she would be seen as "unnatural".
I'm really interested in your comments.
Sorry to ramble.

Good point, Emsiewill! Dh & I have sort of similar debates recently as we both pretty much hate our jobs and would like to go and do something hopefully more rewarding and better paid (oh, well, I can dream, can't I?)
In fact,having worked 'locally' dh is actually now pursuing jobs in London, which would commit him to up to an hour commute (by train) each way. Although we've obviously talked about this, and I support it, I have realised that in my mind I have written off the possibility of me even considering a job with such a commute. And yet, dh himself has said on several occasions that he considers that I have greater earning potential in my field than he does, and we currently both earn almost exactly the same salary.
I think what it comes down to is something Kate Figes mentions in her book 'Life after Birth' - as a mother, you may be able to give up to half the 'workload' to a partner, but you never give up anything like 50% of the responsibility - even when I'm at work I'm constantly thinking about my son's needs: 'do we need to get his feet measured at the weekend?' 'does he need new pyjamas?' 'have we got enough nappies left after taking a pack to nursery' 'are any vaccinations due?'... etc etc. I KNOW Dads simply don't think in this way!
There's a great quote in the book which is the follow on from "Men are from Mars.. etc" (I think it's called something like why Men can't talk, and women can't read maps or something..) Anyway, the quote goes something like... " Women know all about their children - their friends, their fears, their problems, their hopes and their dreams for the future....Men are vaguely aware of some small people in the same house..."
It made me laugh a lot!!

Yes, I've also noticed, from the blokes at work anyway, that when their wife/partner goes out for the evening, he says that he has to "babysit"! You'd never hear a mother use that term about her own kids.

Yes Tinker, we are currently organising an NCT night out and some of the girls have to ask their husbands to look after their own children! R

My husband often has to go away for a conference for 3 or 4 days, and keeps saying to me that if I fancy going away for a few days, that'll be fine, and he'll have the boys ... but it just isn't that appealing to me. I know they and he will be fine. But I do know I will have to do quite a bit of preparation beforehand, and whilst I am away no housework will get done, and the absolute minimum of laundry and washing up, so I will have stacks to do when I get home. And I can'd really think of anywhere I particularly want to go away to anyway. ... Sometimes I think he knows I wouldn't go, so just says that to make him feel less guilty!

Just to praise my own dh ( for a change!) who does not fit this thread at all.Last year my cousin got married in the USA and we were invited. It was not practical or affordable for us all to go, so he suggested I went myself, leaving him and our kids aged two and 6 months at home. After a lot of thought I did go, had the most wonderful holiday, and confess I did not even miss them too much!
I thoroughly recommend holidaying without the rest of your family if you can possibly swing it!

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