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Original poster

After returning to work... did you feel like a proper mum?

16 replies

Elf1981 · 31/03/2006 21:04

I have been back at work for two weeks and dont feel like a real mum anymore as I don't feel like I am spending enough time with my daughter.
Did anybody else feel like this and does it get better?

(I may not reply for a while, going to have a bath!) I just really wanted to know what your experiences were. Did you eventually manage to find a balance, did it get better or did it get worse (ie feeling like you were missing all the important stages?)

TIA

Elf :)

OP posts:
Twiglett · 31/03/2006 21:13

I didn't ..I felt the childminder knew DS better than I did and often asked her for advice .. I never really worked it out for myself though cos my heart wasn't in it .. but I was totally able to switch off from being a mum at work ...

I became a sahm 11 months after returning back .. sorry ... don't think that'll help but it was what I did

morningpaper · 31/03/2006 21:14

are you working full time elf? sorry I'm not keeping up!

2Happy · 31/03/2006 21:15

This reply has been deleted

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expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 21:22

i still felt and always will feel, like i'm missing a lot.

i hate it and still do.

koalabear · 31/03/2006 21:42

i hated it - felt like i was ripping my arms off everyday - the only consolation was that he was being looked after by his dad

HOWEVER,

everyone is different

my girlfriend practically SKIPPED back into work and thinks her childminder is the best thing since the invention of the pill, and is not jealous of her at all and honestly believes that the arrangement is the beest thing for her son

nooka · 31/03/2006 22:46

I've been a full time working mum for 6 1/2 years now, so it's difficult to remember how it was in those first few weeks. I know that I don't feel like a mum most of the time when I'm at work - but then I don't feel like a working person when I'm at home. I think that I compartmentalise my life quite well, and on the whole I think I get the best of both worlds. Of course there are times when I feel like a bad mum when I get so into work that I forget about things for the kids, or the Sunday nights when I think "Thank goodness it's Monday tomorrow!". But on the whole so long as I know that the children are having fun with their nanny, at nursery, school or with their dad when he looked after them I don't really worry. The time that I spend with my children is (mostly) precious to me, and the fact that I get greeted with huge hugs and shouts of "Mummy's home!", and that they leave in the morning without a second glance makes me think that my choice to work (at least for now) is a good one. As far as stages are concerned I have never had a problem with that - the first time is when you see it. As a mum, even if you are not around so much you are still the most important person in your children's lives (even when dh looked after my two they still said they would prefer me - goodness knows why as I am way more up tight than their dad, and I'm sure they had more fun with him, but there you go.

Original poster
Elf1981 · 31/03/2006 22:46

I am working full time. I get home at 4:45 after picking her up from the CM, she is asleep by 8:00 so it's only about three hours we have in the evening, and that includes a nap, bath time and two feeds.

I just feel like I have missed so much, despite it being only two weeks. It could be that it's because I'm having a naff time at work (very busy period) but I just feel like it's wrong.

I would love to be able to give up work, but I cant. We pay less than £400 for the CM per month, so I still bring home around £600 to the family budget, and it's a lot to have to do without.

OP posts:
nooka · 31/03/2006 23:21

Give it time Elf, and let yourself settle with things. You may find it's not so bad, and that you settle into it. To be honest if you are working full time and getting home at 4.45 you are in a fantastic position, you certainly spend more time with your little one than I do, and I thought getting home at 6.30 was pretty good!

Original poster
Elf1981 · 01/04/2006 07:34

I have decided to give it about six months and see how I feel. DH and I are on about moving - if work is good we'll move into a more expensive house (we're only in a two bed at the moment, planning another child in about four years so will need to move to a bigger house), if it isn't, we'll move into a crummier area and hopefully save a bit of money!

My DH's just changed jobs, still in the same company but a different job which potentially is more money after the trial, so it may be that I could do four days a week, or work 9:00 - 3:00 Monday - Thursday or something. At the moment I work 8:00 - 4:00.

I think I'm sad at work as well because so much has changed since I have been away. The team has doubled, and there is a real divide between the oldies and newbies. And out of the oldies, one is pregnant again and another is on about leaving, which would just leave me with the others and I dont know how I feel about that. It's sad as I used to love my job and the people I work with, and now I feel lost.

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 01/04/2006 08:10

I can relate to this regarding the job.
Maybe you feel down because your job or rather collegues have changed, abd so you dont enjoy it as much AND have to leave your child
Its almost "is it worth it?"

I too feel like this - when I went back after 2nd, I was put in new team, new computer lang to learn and just hated it. I have now managed to move back to my old team but its still not the same

My only saving grace is that my children do seem to love nursery. Several times recently Ivbe piucked them up early (cos couldnt stand work anymore) and was told off by DS cos he "hadnt finished playing" - he even cried last week until I told him he could come home & help me with some DIY.

I think its a good iodea to give yourself a definite time to see how it goes.

Original poster
Elf1981 · 01/04/2006 08:15

DD seems to be getting on well with the CM which is the only positive I feel at the moment. I do like the CM which is a good thing, I know I am leaving her somewhere where she is being looked after, and all the other kids fuss over dd, bringing her toys and playing beekaboo with her (older kids covering their eyes, then showing them and shouting boo! while dd looks on bemused!).
The weekends go so fast... why cant we work a weekend and have the full week off?!!

OP posts:
springerspaniel · 01/04/2006 09:14

I've been back two months nearly. Full time. Long hours. I see happy baby for 30 minutes in the morning and grumpy baby in the evening for anything between 0-60 minutes. I don't cry on the way to work anymore (not since week 2 I think) but I don't feel like a proper mum and feel like I am cheating my baby. Financially not in a position to change but saving like a lunatic so I will be at some point.

anniemac · 03/04/2006 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Elf1981 · 03/04/2006 17:06

I am feeling a bit more positive today, which is odd as it is our year end, therefore the busiest time ever. Probably will feel crap again by Wed which will be really busy!
Last week, on the Thursday, I felt like I was going to pass out if I didnt go to sleep right away (about 8:30) so left the ironing that night (any excuse!)
I am now taking it as it comes. I could change jobs but I dont think I'd have as much leeway as I do now (ie I have some say at the moment towards my hours etc, whereas in a new job it may be like it or lump it) and I would probably have to work longer hours / later in the evening.
Somebody at work asked how I was finding it, I said it was okay, I was just missing DD. I then got the "well, you should do without things and stay at home because you can always buy things again, you'll never get this time back" argument. Which upset me as I know its true, but its not what I want to hear!

OP posts:
anniemac · 04/04/2006 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expectingsummerihope · 07/04/2006 12:15

I totally agree anniemac. I've been back at work a year now (reduced hours for first 6 mths)and the last thing you need is people making insensitive comments like this. Also some people don't seem to realise that you work to pay for the necessities like food and shelter - not a lavish lifestyle. When I first went back I felt like a fish out of water and missed ds desperately. I used to spend time with him in my lunch hour. It became easier as he settled into nursery. I would still give up work if I won the lottery or came into a windfall but, like you, knowing that I have to work makes it easier to deal with.

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