Need some straight talking...

[madwomanintheattic]

So, having completely and utterly failed to get a decent job in the 18 months since we moved here, I was offered an entry level job that I first did 12 years ago. I took it, I was pleased to have finally found someone that would pay me (albeit peanuts) as we are literally scraping by (mortgage has been paid late four times this year).

I've been there 2 1/2 weeks. I'm still applying for other jobs - the job resource woman advised me to take it to keep the wolves from the door, but keep applying for more suitable positions that reflect my experience. I am having serious self esteem issues. I am not sleeping, and I am having stress dreams where the manager approaches me and expresses her disappointment, and suggests cutting my wage to reflect my worth. Today I found out I didn't make the short list for yet another job (didn't even get to interview) and I spent my lunch hour crying. and I've been ridiculously teary since leaving work. I also got my first pay statement today, and realized just how little difference this is actually making to our overall financial position.

I know most of it is me.

I just need to suck it up and deal with it, don't I? I just feel utterly inept, and as though everyone is patronising me (which they are, but to be fair I can't say I blame them). I am used to making my own decisions, but I am not allowed to here, so I have to get authority to do pretty much everything. To the level that they stand over me and tell me which key to type.

I am fed up, I am exhausted, and I am unhappy. If I could get another job, I'd quit tomorrow.

It will get better, right? It feels as though everyone is thinking 'wtf were we thinking, employing her?' Everyone keeps cornering me and asking in solicitous tones how I am finding it. I can't decide if I'm paranoid or not, but I'm usually bang on the money where reading other people is concerned.

My wage cheque won't cover the shortfall for the mortgage for tomorrow. We will have to wait until dh gets paid next week, so it will be late again.

You poor thing. You are doing everything you can to deal with a really tough hard situation. But you are beating yourself up, and it is because you're so down right now.

The job market is hideous at the moment, it is not a reflection on you. You have been dealt a shitty hand. You will make it through.

I feel you are overthinking the attitudes of your new colleagues.you seem to be projecting your feelings of low self worth on to them. They do not know you yet, and won't have had time to form opinions like you feel they have.

Sounds like you need some sleep. Can you work on that as a starter?

I'll give it a go. But the only time I fell asleep last night I ended up dreaming about it!!

Thanks for kind words. I'm normally, erm, fairly irrepressible, so this is a whole new ball game. Have spent 25 years as a coper, but can't help but feel I've dropped a massive ball somewhere on the employment front.

I hope you're right about the views... but I'm not particularly confident about it tbh. It just feels as though they are, um, disappointed....

Just wanted to offer some words of support as I too am starting down this road.

If you did this job 12 years ago then you CAN do it - you know you can.
It takes a while to settle into a job, more than 2 1/2 weeks, so give it time. If one of your friends or children were attempting something new, I'm sure you would tell them to keep at it as it takes a while.

Once you have settled in, then everything will become routine and you won't worry as much about the work.

As for the money worries, all you can do is focus on work for now. As long as you have something coming in then it's a start. Paying late is better than not paying. I know it is all a sickening worry, but you are doing something positive about it.

Try not to feel too disheartened at the rejections, its not like it was years ago as there are so many people going for the same jobs. You will get a better job, and once you get your confidence back (which you will once you are settled), you will perform much better at interview too.

Good luck and hope things improve very soon for you.

You're disappointed because you're not where you want to be, but that doesn't mean it's your fault. Maybe your colleagues are incredulous that someone with your experience is happy in your current role. It's tough at the moment, there is a lot of competition. Can you speak to a recruitment consultant or headhunter? And maybe a bit of therapy to work on your confidence?

My interviews are great though, if I get to interview... And have had a few near misses where only direct experience has trumped my application. And before I started this job, my confidence was abso-freakinglutely fine. All of my interview feedback has been fab, and they have said I could easily do the job, and would fit in really well, but x had direct experience so I was unlucky on this occasion - but do reapply, etc etc.

I feel like this job is putting me in a worse position as I'm doubting whether I can even hack this, let alone anything else. And not even getting to interview for the job today felt like the end of the blooming world. Which I know is ridiculous. And means I was putting way too much store in a single application (it seemed like a way out - I don't usually burst into tears at rejection, normally I call the hr manager for feedback and use it to improve cv etc.)

I'd been doing it on my own, and had been called to a few interviews (which had gone really well etc etc), but then went to see the job resource centre to see if they had any other ideas. She said my cv was great, but we both knew that it was unusual for this area (we emigrated, and tbh my employment history looks impressive but a bit odd for the stuff available here). She asked me to change a few things, and I did. I have already worked a seasonal job at the place that filtered me out today, and had previously spoken to the HR department and been advised that this was the level/ exact position that I should be applying for. I have about 16 years directly relevant experience.

I feel as though my confidence has been destroyed in a fortnight.

Although it feels like that madwoman, it could be that the cumulative impact of all the issues in your life is what has eroded your confidence. This may be a just a trigger.

I know some jobs just really are awful, and sometimes it is appropriate to leave after a very short time, but you need this job at the moment, not forever, but right now.

Is there anyone in real life you can have a chat with? If you were my friend feeling like this i would want to do my best to pull you through and give you hope and practical support.

Thanks toof. It isn't a bad job, but it just seems that the job and I are having a bit of a mismatch at the mo! It's a great job for an 18 or 20 yo, with loads of opportunities (particularly great here, where the industry is very one dimensional). No opportunities for a 41yo, and tbh I wouldn't want to them anyway, this was definitely a 'needs must' decision. (I was actually offered an identical job a year and a half ago when we first moved here and I turned it down, because I thought I would be able to get something else that I actually wanted to do).

Cumulative impact is interesting. I've had one other major wobble before, and ended up in counselling, but it was all tied up with PTSD and whatnot, and I'm pretty sure this is a self esteem blip caused entirely by not being able to get a job for so long, and then getting an entry level one that apparently everyone thinks I'm crap at...

But I do have a background understanding that my cv is the way it is because I have essentially schlepped around the world to places where employment is sparse or non existent with dh, so I don't have a clear career trajectory etc etc. and for the years that I do, everyone makes a massive assumption and runs for the hills in the other direction.

I did get a bit of sleep last night - still awake every hour or so, but I feel a bit better.

The dcs are driving me up the wall though, and that's not helping.

Right, better go and get ready for the next 8 hours.

Sorry, meant to say re cv, that I guess it's put everything else that I have done in entire flipping life into question, as I wouldn't be where I am now if it had been different. Which is a cumulative thang, I suppose! And it isn't that I would have made different decisions, just that I do know how I got here, iykwim.

Can you see about getting the payment date of your mortgage moved so it goes out directly after your DP gets paid. My mortgage company have always been willing to do this.

He's paid fortnightly, and to change to a fortnightly payment for the mortgage, we need to make one full payment, and then two weeks later, make the 'new' half payment... so, until we manage to actually pay the damn thing on time, and then come up with half as much again, we can't change it. The next time he will receive three pay packets in a calendar month is march 2013. The bank are adamant that we need to make the half payment in advance to change to the new payment programme, and we can't afford it. Catch 22 and all that.

And of course it just feels worse because we've had the September/ October 'pay for everything for the next school year' blitz. We still owe school about £300 for random stuff (it's all state school, but we pay some fees here, and they do monthly and weekly fundraisers - pizza lunches etc which you pay for for the year in advance, milk every day etc)

We've arranged to pay this month's mortgage when dh gets paid next week, but it was super galling yesterday to realize that my pay for working an entire month wouldn't even cover half of our mortgage.

Don't know if you already have but can you change your mortgage to interest only for the time being until you get on your feet financially?

I will have a look at that, fat. Thanks x