Words of wisdom please

[springhope]

This is my first post and I apologise if it becomes lengthy. I have classed myself as a SAHM to 2 dds aged 4 n 2. I have worked in this time on the business I set up with dp which became impossible after the birth of my second dd as I didn't want to put them into childcare. My dp went part time after the birth of the dd2 to concentrate on the business and to take some of the responsibility of me - this never really happened and everything got very stressful and the business started to fail financially. Now 2 and a half years later my dp stills works part time and still struggles with our business.

I have now been offered 2 opportunities for work. One is for 3 days a week with fantastic pay, childcare costs covered and a company car. The other is to help set up a business and is offering minimum wage for 1 day but is something I am very interested in. The problem I am having is with dp. He says on one hand he supports me and my having a career but on the other hand does not want me to put the kids into childcare. He says (and I suppose I agree) that I wanted to have children I should look after them and why am I wanting to farm them out to someone else to look after. But I also see it as an opportunity to make money, rekindle my brain which I desperately want and something to break the pressure I feel under at the moment. I am trying to do these 2 jobs that have been offered in any available time I have and consequently I am getting irritable with the kids, not enjoying dp and housework is getting on top of me. But dp still insists I should be putting his tea on the table, looking after the kids and cleaning the house. I feel trapped. Am I wrong for wanting to work? I think this message is very confused but I am at the moment and I have spent all evening arguing. I don't know if this helps but dp never wanted children and it gets bought up whenever I try and move forward and I feel constantly guilty about giving him children. He feels if I had kids when he knew he didn't want them then I will just do whatever I want regardless and I don't take his feelings into consideration. I don't agree.

I don't think that what you want is unreasonable, but I don't know what to say to give you comfort at this time.

I hope some of the wiser Mumsnetters come by and see this. Don't fret if they don't tonight cos it's rather late. They'll be about in the am.

I'll keep and eye and pitch in where I can. Sorry that I can't offer more than that at the moment.

oh and welcome to MN, and well done for posting.

thank you. I have just reread my message and I don't think I am making myself clear. I think what I want to know is it wrong to want a career after having children? Are the two compatable?

I'm doing 3 days a week, it pays peanuts but in terms of having the precious privilege of having an adult conversation with people other than DH makes it all worth it! :)

It's not as if you are sending the children away to pursue your career, the older one is about to start school, the younger will be fine and would benefit of other little ones company once the old one is going to reception. And most importatnly, you are a better mum when you are not frsutrated, being happy with yourselves reflects back in the quality of time you sepnd with the kids. At least it has in my case.

and...please stop putting his tea on the table, if you do it all the time he can get the wrong idea

I went back to work after 14 weeks (dont yell at me!) but my dh stopped work and stayed home until DS was 9 months. DS has been in daycare since Jan but i finish work on Friday to be a SAHM......ANYWAY, I think you can do both.

I was soooo against puting my ds in daycare to begin with but its been the most wonderful experience. They do all sorts of things i wouldnt think about doing, and the interaction with other kids is important. He will continue to go one day a week for his benefit. I'm going to be working a bit from home so that day will help us both.
You know whats right for you, but in my epxerience working and daycare can be REALLY beneficial for both Mums and kids, give it a go, you can always go stop if it doesnt work.