AnnaLiza
I can empathise a lot with you as I had to settle my co-sleeping, breastfeeding, bottle refusing at nursery at 8mo before returning to work full time. In my case, I needed to return to work, not only for much-needed money but also because I work in an incredibly competitive field where going part time is not an option.
I think if you want to be a SAHM, that is totally fair enough. Only you know if really your heart is in going back to work or you really want to be at home. But I will write about the bit I know - settling a baby at childcare.
My son was incredibly clingy from birth. Literally bf every 45 minutes, hated other people holding him etc. We co-slept out of necessity and he refused bottles completely so even expressing was not an option.
His first few sessions at nursery were VERY hard. He did cry. Nursery called me back after 30 mins the first time, then an hour, then 90 minutes. This was hideous and made me feel very sick, but DS saw me come back for him each and every time. I always came back and soothed him.
The nursery were very supportive. They said it was normal for him to cry as he had such a strong bond with his mother, but were looking from the start for distractions. They asked me for music he liked, books he liked, anything that would help them distract him from missing me. This made me feel like he was not being left to cry; he was actually being cuddled all the time, he was just upset. This helped me and them feel a bit more in control.
(They also gave him yoghurt between meals as he wouldn't take bottles and did all kinds of stuff that made him feel settled.)
I also did three weeks settling in every day. This apparently was mad, but I did point out that I knew my baby and I thought a gradual build-up of time at nursery would be the best way to go. It meant that by the time I actually had my first day at work, I was not crying in the loos all day. I even made my mum come and stay so he could do shorter days for the first couple of weeks after I went back to work. This also helped, I think.
I also gave myself a deadline, which helped. I said to myself that I would try two months. If DS and I found it unbearable or he still wasn't settled, that would be it for me with work. I would do anything else.
It took a while but I noticed that while DS cried when I dropped him off or picked him up, I could see that afterwards he stopped and picked up a spoon or book. I started to realise that he was not spending all day crying as I had feared. (Plus whenever he did feel sad, he was just cuddled all the time as the nursery is family run and sometimes people just seem to have their arms full of kids the whole time.)
A few weeks later, I noticed that sometimes he was clearly having fun when I arrived. My shoulders started to drop a little. I felt that perhaps this whole thing was workable. I kept bf until 16mo and I really believe that for both me and DS, keeping on cosleeping and bf was a sort of anchoring experience that made sure that he knew I loved him and was coming back for him every day - no scientific evidence obviously but I felt it was important and lovely for us.
Now he is two and he is thrilled to see me when I come to pick him up. And he still hugs me tight when I leave, but now he also wants to carry on dancing if he is busy when I arrive and just get me to join in. When I ask him if he has had a good day, he says yes (and he is quick to tell me when he doesn't like something!).
So if you do choose to go back to work, will it mean your baby crying? Probably a bit, but that doesn't mean being left to cry. And it really improves quickly. I asked DS the other day if he remembered being a baby in the baby room (he still has the same staff looking after him) and he said no, but wanted to go and be a baby. I will always remember that time, but has it affected him? I don't think so.
Good luck. I don't think you should worry about getting everything right all the time. Nobody does or can. My baby loved sleeping up cuddled to me; my friend's baby only liked sleeping in a good amount of space. So what is right for one child isn't right for others - you can just do your best.
Best of luck, whatever you decide!