I'd really be interested in your opinions on this

[anorak]

My education was cut short at age 16 due to an abusive parent, It's always been a huge sorrow to me as I loved learning and wanted to become a professional of some kind. Instead I've spent my life working like a navvy trying to make ends meet. When I became a single mum of two I worked myself out of a position of huge debt caused by their father and built a successful and lucrative letting business which I then gave up when I married and had another baby.

A lot of my work consisted of carpentry, decorating, gardening and other manual work which I was forced to learn to do to save money.

DH and I bought our house 6 years ago and I have almost finished renovating it now, despite having a baby and a broken leg during that time. It has been a struggle. I'm in my 40s now and I'm getting a bit sick of electric drills and mixing concrete. I've been doing other work, writing questions for a company that supplies TV quiz shows. I love it but the pay is very poor. I've worked at this for three years, gradually increasing and now it has got to the stage where I barely have time for the DIY any more.

I had made my mind up to give it up as the rate of pay is risible but when I told the company yesterday they got back to me within two hours offering to double my pay.

I thought my DH would be proud of me that I had a vaguely professional job after so many years of struggle, but he still wants me to stop it and go back to sawing up wood and cutting tiles. I know he is right from a financial point of view, but it won't take much to finish the house when I can fit it in. He wants me to blow this job and finish the house now as he's been waiting a few months while I was inundated with quiz work which paid so little.

He's right about the fact that the building work is much more lucrative but I'm in my 40s, so tired of the physical, so sick of wearing rags to work and being on my hands and knees, of having more power tools than my male friends, of never having anyone realise that I can think! I don't feel feminine, I feel like a drudge and don't feel respected or cherished, that my DH wants me to give up this long-fought for academic job to give me more time for the men's work I am so fed up with.

Don't say he should do it - he's out of the house 12 hours a day as it is and he does his best but he's not that good at DIY. That's part of the problem I think he doesn't realise how hard it is.

I know he's right that it's the way for us to make the most money but it is breaking my heart to think how hard I've worked for years in the Quiz biz to get to this point where I'll finally get reasonably paid just to give it up and go back to the old drudgery.

He says get someone else to do the DIY but a lot of it is jobs I need to simply finish and won't be a big thing.

I guess what I'm really asking is how many DHs would expect their wives to do what he's asking me to and would you feel hurt as I do as if he doesn't recognise me as needing a professional life after all this struggle (he takes his for granted) and doesn't cherish his wife enough to not wish her to down the power tools. I feel so pressurized and not loved at all - although my reaction to this has been so emotional that I feel very confused.

Sorry to go on so long.

I think you're right and that he's being very unreasonable. It's not as if (and correct me if I'm wrong here) the DIY is bringing in an income that you can't do without is it? It's theoretical money earned until you sell the house.

I think you should be proud of yourself about the quiz questions, and I think your employers should be ashamed!

Having said all that I won't say that he "should" be proud of you: it would be nice, but he obviously has slightly different values to yours - you can't change that. He should respect your values though and not push you into the DIY.

Ah, anorak, sorry you're feeling like this. Does he realise how important this is to you and the emotional significance? I do think he's being unreasonable and I do think you need to take the quiz job and get someone else to do the DIY stuff. Presumably the maths also point in that direction, i.e. you will be paid more for quiz stuff than you will have to pay someone to finish DIY stuff? Is there any way you can have it both ways, i.e. delegate drudgery and still make a profit on building stuff while you do the job you want to do? I think you need to tell him how you feel if you haven't done so already, he probably doesn't realise how much this has hurt you.

Hi SP. To be fair to him I did agree to do this house up when we moved in but I didn't bargain for breaking my leg so badly I couldn't walk at all for six months and had several years of it not being right!

Also the money we will get for selling the finished article is part of our plan. So he is right in practical terms. It's just that having to deny my own feelings and be practical all my life has begun to really hurt me.

And I do intend to finish the DIY, I really want to - it's just that at the moment time is tight and his piling on the pressure makes me go to pieces.

Also to be fair to my employers I was very much learning the ropes while on low pay. It's a more complex business than it might seem.

Thanks for your comments, it's lovely to feel supported, as I'm beginning to realise this issue has become extremely emotional for me but to my DH is purely a practical concern and I think he is quite bewildered by how upset I am.

Hi WWW. Thanks for your support. Unfortunately the pay still won't cover the cost of building professionals hour for hour but I'd rather spend two hours with my nose in a book than one hour with my head under the bath if you see what I mean!

All the same it won't take much for me to finish it myself, it's just he wants it done now, keeps telling me he's been waiting ages that's what hurts I think.

Anorak, could you employ a builders mate cheaply? Would it speed things up if you did? I'm thinking of maybe someone who's still at school who you could employ over the Easter holidays perhaps. That way you wouldn't be paying professional rates but you would also cut some of the drugery.

I also think that if the tv people were prepared to double you pay, they will probably be prepared to increase it again in a few months time as presumably it's not easy to find people who can do this sort of thing.

Hello bran.

Yes that is quite a good idea in fact my DH will be due a few days off work soon and he is willing.

I think he will feel better if he can see something going on and is very willing to help when he's not working all the hours. That is probably going to be the solution.

I just wish I could get him to understand what this means to me. I feel I've been apologising all my life for only being a bar worker or a lab assistant or whatever of the many drudgy job's I've been forced to do. I'm hugely undernourished in my career capacity and to talk about how much my unfulfilled potential hurts me sounds too whiny and petty for words. Yet it's one of the biggest sadnesses in my life.

Sorry for rogue apostrophe, it's a typo!

Its time for you now - you give and have given so much for everybody else and got so little in return it seems from some. (me included!!)

You do what you want to do - PLEASE

Oh hello sweetie, I keep missing you on here, how are you?

I really have got my knickers in a twist over this. I'm so used to knuckling down and doing the practical thing out of sheer necessity and I feel guilty not doing. Especially when DH is working all the hours in the city and wants to escape! I think he's afraid the house will never get finished and he'll never be able to retire. It's not an emotional issue to him.

Hi fio x

Anorak - it does not sound petty and pethetic at all. Your personal fulfillment is a huge part of your life and self esteem. You have put up with second best for so long (and credit to you as you did it for all the right reasons) However - enough is enough - you recognise you have reached your breaking point and it is time to do what you need now. I think you will need to spell it out to dh exactly how much it means to you. After supporting him and doing the best you can for the house am sure he will support you too.
Follow your dream!!

Anorak, please please don't give up the quiz work. Your own mental well-being is worth thousands in the bank and your dh should know that. Perhaps he is right about money in the short term but not in the long term. You're in your 40s now. You might be working for another 25 years or so. Do you really want to be mending houses when you're 60? If you give up the quiz work now you may not so easily be able to get out of the DIY business in 10 years time. How do you want to spend the next 2 or 3 decades? Do you want to look back and say 'well I made some decent money and did some good grouting' or to say 'I had an interesting and fulfilling career, I was challenged.' The quiz work sounds like the sort of thing that can lead to more work through contacts. You may meet interetsing people and start to be able to command a decent pay rate as you become more established.

Tell your dh that we have to make short term sacrifices to make long term gains. Your gut feeling is telling you that you want to do the quiz work. You know that you should go with that feeling. Stop letting your dh pull the guilt trip on you. You deserve a life too.

Well 6 years is a long time to live in a house that's a work in progress, perhaps his aim isn't to get you to give up the work that you enjoy but just to give you a push to finish the house so that it's not hanging over you for 6 more years.

Can you start with the thing the most irritates him because it's unfinished? I find little things that happen often the most annoying rather than how they look, eg catching my clothes on an unfinished edge, but he may find the sight of something annoying in which case start at eye-level.

Questions for quizes sounds like a fascinating job btw, I always wondered where they got them from. Can you approach other companies in the same line (like companies who provide q's for pub quizes) and see whether you can also do work for them. For instance, the tv company would only use one question on a particular subject but you could use your research to sell other questions on that subject to someone else.

Thanks ladies. bran you are a very practical lady I think. Your ideas sound very helpful. There is no way we will still be here for another six years by the way, it is nearly finished and I think that's what is frustrating DH. I thought what I might do is try and make sure I do a bit each week so he can see some progress. I just have to organise my time better (less mumsnetting )

I think we'll get it sorted I've just got myself all upset over this and I don't think my DH really understands why because he's a much less overtly emotional type of person.

Anorak. I think you shoyuld be really proud to have your money doubled. well done girl. and if you enjoy the jov and get rewards form it then carry on with it and fit the other stuff around your 'real' job.

your dh is a good man and i think you neede to discuss this with him again. tell him how worthwhile doing something with your brain makes you feel.

take care x

Thanks beety. Yes he is a good man and I love him to bits. I think he will understand after he's had time to think about it. Sometimes it takes him a few days to grasp my emotional issues but I shouldn't complain, some men never do, do they? I think at the moment he is a bit shocked about just how upset this has made me. So am I really!

Hi MUM!!!! - Hate missing you too - I will pay my subs so I can email you - need to ask you and Kayleigh to an event later in the year too!!

Why donl't you do what all of us saddos who have no idea of how to be as great as you do - do our jobs in the week and our DIY at weekends - that way he and DS can help you out (that came to me in bed in the middle of the night last night when I was thinking of reasons to get the tradesmen in so DP doesn't try to do things!!)

anorak - you have explained so eloquently why your work means so much to you on here - have you explained it in this way to dh?

Could you turn the tables (theoretically) on him in a way that would have meaning to him? Eg "imagine that, despite wanting to do the job you are doing now, you had to work as a labourer/whatever for 25 years - then just as you get the job that you dreamed of, your dw insists that you should not take it as it would mean spending less time at home?" - except you could tailor it to your dh/circumstances better.

Anyway, you've had lots of good advice on here already, it was just an extra thought really

Thanks for your messages. It really helped me to know that other people agreed with me and this wasn't all in my head, if you know what I mean.

I showed my DH this thread, but it takes him time, he said it was just the same as what I'd said to him! (failing to mention all your posts supporting me!). He is a lovely man but sometimes it takes him a few days to realise how upset I am and why. To be fair I surprised myself over this one. I hadn't realised how emotional an issue it had become for me.

I've cried so much in the last couple of days that I can hardly see to do the reading I need to do now! But I think this issue is resolved, for now at least and that he's beginning to understand how important it is to me.

Thank you so much for mulling it over with me, it really helped.

And Twinkie, you can email me on jan quinn 3 at aol dot com.

Hi Christie, your DH was here just now and told me you'd read this thread, thanks so much for all the lovely things you've said

Just an update - we have decided that I will carry on for now and see how it goes. Fortunately the TV series I have been working on is nearly finished (our bit of it, anyway) for this season and so the work should peter out naturally for a while now. I will seize my tools and quickly finish the house as soon as I get the chance.

I guess neither DH nor I realised how distressed I was going to get over this. Once we both understood what it meant to me, it was easier to make a decision.

Anorak - I have only read your op but this is my opinion if its worth anything

If I were you I would finish the house diy jobs cos then the house will be finished
Then I would do whatever job pays satisfactory money for you

AND I would sign up for courses so you can study and use your brain in a way that makes you feel satisfied with you lot.

After years of being happy with no career prospects etc I am now seriously thinking of studying and really going for a career that I can be proud of - and that makes me truly happy

Above all (shallow I know) after years of working with children I want to work in an office and wear smart clothes, have a desk of my own etc :)

Thanks for your thoughts, bbb. My long-term aim is to finish the novel I'm writing. So I don't really have to think about my ultimate dream job. But I do love the quiz-setting to bring in a few pennies in the meantime.

At least my DH understands about the novel, even though it's not certain to make a single penny.

I hope you acheive your aim. I don't think it's shallow at all. I only thought it sounded petty when I was talking about me funny how we all do that, isn't it?

Anorak, to be honest it doesn't sound like the quiz biz is your calling either, but the fact that they obviously value you enough to double your wages and they've seen your capacity to pick things up quickly is blurring the issue for you. that and you're not getting the same recognition from you DH.
you need to valued and respected in your own right, and such recognition coming from people outside your family circle somehow matters more -they have no obligation to love and respect you.
If it's not about the money, I think you should cut back on the quiz work (if possible) just do enough to keep your hand in, give yourself time to finish the house and make plans to do something acedemic for yourself - set a date as the house stuff will never really be finished. You'll have kept to your end of the bargain and will have more support in achieving what you need to.

Could you put your book on hold for a few months on condition that your DH supports you, in the middle of the summer say, when you start to write full-time?