Dreading leaving ds at nursery, any coping tips please?

[Monkeybar]

Hi, this is my first go at starting a thread, any help would be very gratefully received. I've got to go back to work in 6 weeks time. My ds wil be 9 months old. I'm dreading it.
Until recently, I had been leaving him with his dad for a few hours a day as I was visiting a relative in hospital miles from home. At the time I thought it would do us both good as it meant we got used to time apart. Now I can give him attention 24/7 again, will it be more of a shock when he gets left at nursery?
I'm starting back on a 3 day week, but this will go back up to full time after 2 months. Is there anything I can do to make it easier on him (and me)?

MB..hello and welcome to MN.

There isn't a person here with a child in daycare who hasn't fellt the same.
Accept that you may feel a bit wobbly at first,as might he.

It may help to list all the little things you think the staff need to know and give it to them.

How about phoning during the day for the first week or so?

I'm sure he's at the stage when he is really going to be looking forward to seeing new people and playing with new toys.Both my children loved/love their nurseries.

Do you know any other parents at the place where your ds will be? If not,you will soon!

The starting off on 3 days is a really good idea. Remind yourself that it still gives you four lovely days a week with him.

Best of luck and let us know how you get on!

Thanks moondog. Luckily I DO know one other mum at the same nursery (her lo always smiles at mine when we see them!).

I thought that I'd be itching to get back to work after having him, but that's not the case adn he just still seems so little to be left with someone else all day.

Good plan to write down the little extras and give it to the staff, will start doing that in the next few weeks.

9 months is an age where a baby is still visually very attached to the people who love and care for him most.
It was heart-wrenching leaving my tiny prem baby with his childminder at 4mths, but at that age it was certainly worse for me that it was for him.
Your son will soon learn to trust his carers (if they are good). Just always trust and follow your own instincts, however odd you may think they seem. Eg If you think sending in your nightclothes as comforters would help him then just do it.
If you want to call every hour then just do it.
Write an essay on your son and the care you believe he needs and ask the staff to sign that they have read it if you feel that that would help.
Good luck. I'm sure the anticipation is much worse than the reality.

DD went 4 days a week at 6.5 months. I arranged to work half days the first week, so DD and I could get used to things a bit more gradually and it did definately make the first few days back at work easier for me. I also gave nursery a detailed list of her daily routine and phoned every day for the first few weeks.

3 months later and she loves nursery, is really happy when dropped off, but of course very happy to see me or dh at the end of the day.

Good luck - and try and remember that if you are happy in your choice of childcare, feeling guilty isn't going to help you or your ds. I was dreading returning to work, but I have found that I enjoy being back and value my time with DD even more.

My dd's nursery did two free hour long sessions for dd so that the first couple of times I left her it wasn't for very long. I stayed with her for the first hour and then left her for the second and went for a coffee just round the corner. I also sent her for a couple of half days, then a couple of full days, before I went back to work. This gave us both a bit of time to get used to it and I could make sure that I wasn't too far away if there were any problems. I sobbed like a good 'un the first time I left her, the staff were wonderful and didn't make me feel bad at all, in fact they said that more parents, Mums and Dads, cried the first time than didn't. I found it really hard at first but dd loves her nursery and her carers and they love her.

I hope your experience will turn out as well.

Monkeybar, I posted a post very like yours a few months ago. I just couldn't get my head round leaving him. He started part-time at nursery at 7½ months (is now 9½ months), and it was hard for me at first, but as many MNers promised me, he loves it. The settling-in process helped a lot, as does feeling confident that it's a good nursery and that they do really care for him. He has occasionally cried when I've left, but I'm able to peep at him through a side-door without being seen to check he's OK before I leave. Talk to your nursery about things like this and they should be willing to help you do whatever you need to do. I still phone halfway through the day every day DS is there, to ask how he is.

As for him, make sure they know as much as possible about his needs, have him take in any favourite cuddly toy or blanket or whatever, and make the most of the days when you are with him, with lots of affection, chatting, fun activities and "quality time" (bleuch phrase but you know what I mean) - this makes me feel I am really letting DS know I love him, and making sure that going to nursery doesn't mean he is deprived or institutionalised.

The time with his dad will also help, as he'll have got used to you going away and coming back.

Good luck, you will both be fine.

Monkeybar, I would just say trust your instincts always. If in your gut you feel it's Ok, then it will be. I thought I'd post because I went down a different route and while I hope Nursery goes really well for you and your DS, I thought it might be worth telling you what happened with me!

I had a lovely workplace nursery place all arranged for two and a half days a week, went to visit it once before DS was born and thought it looked lovely, staff a lovely mix of younger and more experienced girls and all intelligent to talk to; great! Went once again with DS when he was 7 months old, to do my pre-starting-work-again visit, and I had a real gut wrenching feeling that NO WAY on this earth could I leave him in Nursery! I made polite noises, left, and told my DH that I couldn't do it.

This started the next few years of financial nightmares as we struggled to get enough money in with me working weekends or evenings - when my mum and dad moved down this really helped as I was able to leave DS with her and work 2 days a week. So while I wasn't able to afford not to work, I still stopped and we deal with the fallout still!

Obviously I'm not advocating this and I hope you're fine with your Nursery, I just wanted to say that as a mum, if YOU feel you can't do it for your child, that's fine too and it deson't mean that all those who do use nursery are doing the wrong thing. I just think it's worth saying, keep an open mind and investigate other types of childcare.

Thanks for the support. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one to feel like this and although other people have told me that he'll be fine and that he'll enjoy going, I still feel bad about it! I'm hoping that the anticipation is worse than the actual event.
I'm also hoping that my pre-back to work visits don't leave me feeling like Sparklemagic did! Unfortunately I earn more than dh and as he's a farmer, there's no chance of him being a sahd while I work. MIL said she'd look after him when I went back to work while I was preg (ds, that is, not dh!), but in reality, I wouldn't want her to, as she has since said that she's not very good with babies, and having seen her in action, I agree, so nursery it is!!

MB, i'm filling up as i read this thread. I'm going back to work in 2 weeks and will be leaving dd at nursery for the first time. ds is 3.5 years and it was hell for the first few months. but then i got used to it and he loved it so it made life easier. however, it doesn't make it easier with her. also, starting at a new job so won't be able to take the piss at all (leave early or anything). i'll be thinking of you, good luck.

I have just returned to work last Thursday and this is the third week of my little girl (8 months)going to nursery. I say third week but all of last week she was off after catching three bugs from the other babies.

Leaving her was too tough for me and her so her dad now does the drop off which works well - and is worth considering if youcan do it. Agree with other comments on comforters, trusting your instincts and doing what you need to do to help the process. They all cry but as long as you are happy with the nursery set up and her key carer it will be okay. One of my friends advised me to give it three months before making any important decisions about work - she actually resigned after one month and although she does not regret it believes she could have thought it through better and set herself up better had she given it more time.

The three days return is a really good idea too. I would set your stall out now on what time you will leave work and religiously stick to it. Also talk to your boss, collegues, clients (if appropriate) about the fact that you will need to flex for a while as the biggest shock I have had so far is how ill they get for how long! Depending on whether it is possible I would start him at nursery about 1 month before you go back, if possible, I think it gives you more flexibility you don't haver to worry and you get thier immune system patched up a bit first as well.

Oh and cry as much as you like - there is no shame!

sorry, but not read through all the thread, went back to work 3 weeks ago, ds goes to nusery fridays only, he is not settling there at the moment and I pine after him when I drop him off.

Hadn't thought about the illnesses thing! We have got a few sessions to go to next month to get us both used to the idea of him being there. Hopefully this will help his immune system a bit. But then I've still got to work on his sleeping, so don;t want him to get poorly! I can't afford to pay for nursery if I'm not working, so booking him in a month early isn't really an option, btu is a good idea. I'm slightly worried that now that leaving him is imminent, the nursery I chose (which I've heard good things about, and which I was happy with when I visited when he was a newborn) won't seem like such a nice place. I never thought I'd feel so anxious about this.

I sympathise massively. I went back to work (full time, sadly) 6 months ago and cried practically non-stop the whole week before at the thought of leaving my DS at nursery. 6 months on, I still find it a wrench leaving him there in the morning and I'm still desperate to see him by the evening but I'm surprised at how much more relaxed I am about him being there and that I actually enjoy work again now, having not wanted to come back at all.

I just wanted to let you know that it is likely to get easier with time and that working does at least mean that you make sure you make the most of every second you have with your DS/DD.

Good luck.

The thing that helped me enormously was DP took a couple of weeks off so my first couple of weeks at work involved leaving DS with DS.

After that I always found it much much easier if DP did the dropping off and I did the Picking up.

I will be starting work myself after Mat leave in a few weeks time and I am breaking DD in over a three week period before I actually go back to work. Again my first week of actually working DD will be with granny.

It's real hard but it does get easier with time and eventually you will have your LO crying cos they can't go to nursery.

should have read 'involved leavingt DS with DP '

Here's an update for those who asked.....

The trial days at nursery were great, ds spent 2 mornings and then a full day there and seemed perfectly happy, sat and played as soon as he got there, didn't look up when I left (or when I arrived back, too busy doing other things!!). I was really pleased as I thought it would make it less of a wrench when it was for real.
First proper day at nursery, he started crying as soon as he was out of my arms (although he'd had a crap night's sleep the night before). I cried too. He was crying when I arrived to pick him up at the end of the day. The nursery had put him down for a morning nap (which he doesn't have at home) and he'd had a short lunchtime nap (45mins vs 3 hours at home). I was a bit surprised, as I wrote down his daily activities to try to help smooth the transition. The short afternoon nap was probably due to strange environment etc I suppose.
The following day he was poorly and I wasn;t at work anyway (turned out to be Rotavirus, very nasty). His 2nd proper day at nursery was today. Once again he cried as soon as he was out of my arms. When I rang the nursery 20 mins later they said they'd put him down for a nap, (he'd been up since 5.30). When I went to collect him , I wanted to look through the window to see how he was doing, but he was having his nappy changed, and as soon as I walked into the baby room I could hear him crying and it was awful .

He has been fine this evening, though, smiley and chatty. I just feel terrible about abandoning him in the morning. Would it help to spend time playing with him there before leaving? (today was a bit of a quick drop off as I had to meet my manager at 8.45). He's in again on Friday and I have got a bit more spare time in the morning. Does it get any easier for the lo?

Sorry this turned into a bit of an essay!

I find its easier to drop them off and run, any hanging around just keeps their hopes up and drags it out.
At 9 months they are easily distracted anyway.
At least they put him down for a nap and at least he goes for a nap. So he won't be knackered.
My ds loved his nursery 99% of the time - but there were phases when he would howl and grab onto my arms when I tried to leave. But he was always fine by the time I got into the car.
The nursery would phone you if he was upset for long.