Sexual harassment - WWYD?

[mrsgordonfreeman]

I haven't posted for a long time but a problem has arisen at work and I don't really have any other forums to revert to as the person concerned will see.

I work for a City company and have done for over six years. I have a relative who works for the same firm but in a different department. We don't mix at work much but see each other regularly. She is senior to me and very successful.

Recently though she told me that her boss has been acting weirdly towards her for a long time, for at least four years. He's done (to my knowledge) the following:

• told her that she's beautiful in appraisals, that she should stick with him and she'll go far
• told her not to have children because she won't be made partner if she does
• said that his wife doesn't understand him - but she does
• Insulted her mother in law at her wedding because he was envious
• told her that she shouldn't go for coffee with other colleagues without telling him
• told her that he's in love with her (frequently)
• sits at her PC and reads her emails when she's away from her desk (he sits next to her)
• is abrasive towards her husband
• texts her things like "today is gorgeous but not as gorgeous as you"
• emails her details of his undying love for her (using his company email address!) - she showed me these.

She hasn't reported him for any of this but her PA did report him when he was spotted at her PC recently - she intervened to stop HR getting him into trouble but she was told that he has a track record of doing this and indeed the last subject of his affections left as a result of them.

She is hoping that if she ignores him and laughs off his advances, it will go away - but it's been going on for years. He was apparently meant to retire in May but has opted to stay on for another year.

I think that he's manipulated her into thinking that if she reports this, it will affect her career and her standing in the company.

I know I can't tell her what to do, and she makes out that it doesn't bother her, but I have three main concerns:

• that it might escalate;
• that it IS affecting her; and
• that when he leaves he'll do it again to someone else.

I see this as sexual harassment/stalking. He's using his position to influence a subordinate employee and is living out a fantasy where he is having an affair with this beautiful young woman, and the company seems to be just letting him get on with it.

Just wanted to share it really. I know there's nothing I can do and I'm probably overreacting.

I think you were right to share but, the only person who can sort this is her own self. If she is not reporting this as a problem the company can not do anything to support her. She has to stand up and say enough - the company will have a policy and she should take a look at it. If it doesn't she should speak to HR. at the end of the day what he is doing to her will only continue and potentially get worse as time goes by and he is allowed to get away with more and more - encourage her to get help. Its not worth being unhappy.

It's often the case that companies can see very well what is going on, but usually feel as if they can do absolutely nothing without getting someone to complain about the situation. I've seen people leave firms because of the same person, but the victims don't say anything and the companies therefore have absolutely no evidence to investigate.

The man will not stop of his own accord. This needs to stop. She needs to complain.

In 25 years of working in the City, I have known of only two instances where making a complaint has resulted in the woman having to leave, and both of these happened more than 15 years ago (one instance the woman was paid more than 2 years' salary and the HR dept ensured she walked into another job at another firm, the other was very messy because they'd had an affair and there were accusations on both sides).

It would only potentially count against her if it was his word vs her word, but here she has plenty of documented evidence. She really does need to take this forward. I imagine that everyone can see it happening too - not just the PA - and TBH it won't be doing her any favours promotionally if she is seen to be putting up with this. A bit of bite is essential at Partnership level.

She should at the very least ask for an informal meeting with HR to gauge their attitude towards a complaint being put in. If this situation had happened in the last few places I'd been in, the informal HR meeting information would be escalated up the chain pretty pronto, her boss's boss would take her boss out to dinner, show him the evidence, and tell him to retire immediately to avoid a complaint being launched. Given the documentary evidence, I'd be surprised if this were handled differently.

Thank you. No, I know I can't take matters into my own hands here. If only! I'd give the creep a piece of my mind the next time I'm in the lift with him!

She has been very successful at work and my feeling is that her boss has let her think that it's all because of him, and if she rebuffs him, especially now, all those opportunities he gave her to shine will go away.

Being a success in her career is EVERYTHING to her. I think this is exactly what he's exploiting. She knows (and has said) that if she had sex with him she'd be a partner by now. He wanted to buy her an iPad for her birthday, when the office convention is to buy small gifts for colleagues. That she turned down because, as she said, she didn't know what he'd want in return.

Squiffy, that's a good point about being more assertive if she wants to be partner. I'm sure the other partners WOULD respect her more if she stood up for herself. It's weird because she's so together and determined in every other respect.

Can you try to get it across to her that by not being assertive in this situation may be doing her career more harm as the other partners are aware of his behaviour and could be waiting to see how she deals with it. At least on a subconscious level they may well evaluate her perfomance as a potential partner by taking how she has dealt with her boss as an example of how she would deal with a difficult situation.

*she may be doing her career more harm

Thanks all. I think it's hard for her because it's been going on for so long that she believes her approach is the right one. She's got used to it.

She's not the sort of person to make a fuss - but she's the first to tell others that they need to stand up for themselves. It's odd really. She's so strong physically and mentally. I would never have thought that she'd tolerate this kind of behaviour.