Please come and tell me GOOD things about going back to work

[NellyBluth]

I've just done a few KIT days and so now I'm feeling down about it all...

Basically, I have to return to a job which requires a long commute, so I'll be out of the house about 10.5 hours a day, and get home with anywhere from half an hour to an hour before DD (8mo) goes to bed. There's not really any option but to go back to my old job as I work in a sector that has been royally fucked during the recession so just having a job is a good thing, I spent a lot of time and money qualifying for this career so it would be a massive decision to give it up, and at the moment there are no jobs in my sector in my local area. We moved out of London so we could buy an actual house with a garden in a nice town, not a flat in a rough area, but this means the long commute for me.

DP works shifts so he will look after DD a lot, we have found a wonderful CM who DD loves and who is being really flexible with our strange childcare hours, and we have GPs reasonably near so they can look after her for a day if we think she is going to be in childcare all week. DD is an independent little soul anyway and so I think she will thrive. So everything is sorted as well as it could be... its just that me, Mum, will see her for half an hour in the morning, and maybe an hour in the evening. Which obviously is making me sad.

Now seen as there is very little I can do about this situation bar jacking in my qualifications and getting a local job (obviously I am keeping my eye out for something better but there is no guarantee) - tell me nice things about returning to work to make me feel a bit more positive about this!

I could have written your OP. Ive bee back a week.

I find every time I think of dd while im at work, I picture her sat on the CMs floor next to one of the other.mindees with a big smile on her face. I remind myself that she loves being there.

I also have found that I keep myself busier at work as (1) it is distracting and (2) the day flies.

It is sadder for me when In at home, and she is in bed I miss her most then but I remind myself that I think I am doing a good.thing in providing for her and hopefully being a good role.model of a working mother so she can feel strong enough to make the right SAHM\WOHM decision for herself in the future {whichever she would prefer}

I was in the same boat when I had dc1 although my employer agreed to allow me to go part time - is that an option for you? I had just qualified and had no post qualifying experience so to give up would have been to give up on my career totally. I think the fact that your dd will be with her dad and gps a lot of the time is great. That is something my dd didn't have and I probably would have found it easier to work full time if she did.

Although it broke my heart at the time, my dc was absolutely fine and perfectly happy. 7 years later I am really glad I did go back because otherwise I would have lost the career I had worked so hard for and a lot of the experiences we have had as a family wouldn't have happened e.g. holidays, trips out. I couldn't have bought the house we live in now, which means my dcs wouldn't have got into the wonderful primary school they go to.

However, the biggest positive about returning to my career was the choice it has given me years later. With the experience I have, I can now work less hours for more money than I would have earned full time in a local, lower paid job. I have autonomy and I manage my own diary so I can take time off for school plays, etc. In the last couple of years, I have sidestepped out of my original career into a related, professional position in a school so I get all school hols to be with my dcs. I would have never been able to get a job like this if I had given up when dc1 was a baby.

I think the baby phase is all consuming and it is hard to see past those early years. Imo it is only as dcs get a little older that you see the benefits of continuing to work through that difficult time. As long as your dd is happy with the arrangements that you have put in place, I'm sure you will be fine.

Hello
I wanted to re-assure you both that it does get easier eventually. I reckon you need 3 months to adjust to the change in routine and getting used to being a working mum.

I went back FT when DD was 11months and it was really really hard. Job is very full on with long hours. I was beside myself and struggling to work but I turned the corner eventually and things got much easier.

Be ready for the littles ones getting sick in early days of childcare, my DD and I both had everything (literally!) going (worse as it was January) and that made the transition much much more challenging.

I now work with returning working mums as part of my job- on the side as its so important to support people through this phase. I am always happy to talk on here about it :) good luck though.

Im now about to go on ML for DC2 due in a autumn so very excited about that but wow- those pregnancy hormones have made me feel so bad about leaving 3.5yr old DD again so much harder!

I dont work, but what I miss is having money that can be used to buy anything that remotely resembles a luxury. If I had a paycheck every month like the ones I used to get, I am not kidding, I would feel like a millionaire.

good things about going back to work

Hot coffee/ tea
Lunchbreaks without children
adult conversation
creating a great role model for children
maintaining career so you have something worthwhile for yourself
Ive made a point of creating some specific work goals to achieve so that it made beign at work worth while. Otherwise I was getting nothing out of being there and there was no benefit to leaving dd at nursery...

It gets better as they get older and then you will br grateful you did t burn your work bridges...

But keep looking and thinking. Part time, another position etc... Nonpoint denying there will be sadnesses and loss also. It's so tough on women frankly.

Sadly p/t isn't really an option, as with the cost of the commute into London its better to just pay for a season ticket, iyswim, otherwise the money doesn't add up properly. Also I don't think work will agree to it. Though if this turns out to be absolutely awful for me then I will consider it.

Its good to hear other people have focused on their career. I have odd moments of wobble thinking that I am being outrageously selfish to think about how much time and effort I put into qualifying and not wanting to give that up. But you are right, it should give me more options in the long-term and I hope DD will see, when she grows up, that it is possible to have a career and a family. It feels so hard at the moment as she it teething, learning to crawling, just learning to eat properly - its a busy time, bless her.

GoldPlated, that is good advice, I will try and picture her having fun with the CM and her mindees and her kids (CM's nearly teenage kids adore DD, which is just the cutest thing to see).

Gingerbread, the 3 months tip is good, I will just remember that it will probably be quite shite until Christmas! Luckily my line manager and immediate colleagues all have kids and, tbh, they have taken the piss on occasion with not being in work over the years so I have no qualms about just leaving if DD is ill! Congrats on DC2 too!

I am trying to think too about the nice things for me. Adult conversation. An actual lunch break. An opportunity to read a book in peace. Wearing nice dresses again.

Tertius, it does feel harder for women. I've even had a few comments that it is weird that DP will look after DD more than I do!

I love the banter with the colleagues.
I love husband bashing with the girls.
DS loves his nursery and there he does all the messy stuff we don't do at home.
I feel I have my own life, more a "whole" person than just someone's mum or wife.
I enjoy my job and get a kick out of it.
HTH

Two things - Hot Drinks and Newspapers. Actually 3 things - coffee breaks where you actually get enough Time to drink the Hot Coffee and read the Newspaper. Bliss

Status, money,company, career, self esteem, no isolation, mental health! separate domain,good example to kids, pension, easier position from which to get new job in future

I went back to work when DS was 6 months. I'm out of the house 8.15am til 7pm.

The positives:

• Not throwing away a career I've worked damn hard for and enjoy
• Having an identity other than "mummy"
• How I've somehow entered into a "club" with my colleagues with children, including the male ones. Amazing how much they want to talk about their children and hear about mine! They also treat me more "maturely" (sounds odd but is positive) as opposed to one of the younger teammates
• The money (of course!). A) not being dependant on DH and b) meaning we can live in a nicer place, have nice holidays etc.
• I'm a lot more patient with DS now. When I'm with him I prioritise him rather than trying to do the cleaning or the cooking etc.
• Having time to do all those admin things (like ringing up to complain about electricity bill/cable not working/getting Drs appointments/etc.) without having a baby stuck to me.
• Not feeling lonely and isolated which I did during maternity leave

DS is 11 months. I've actually seen a surprising number of his "firsts". I know this is true because it's my parents looking after him and they promised to be truthful about whether he did something first for me or them.

Examples:

• First roll - with me during maternity leave
• First commando-crawl - with me (at the end of a weekend of him trying really hard)
• First sit-up - no-one saw it! My dad looked away and when he looked back DS was sitting!
• First steps unaided - DH and his mum. I was in the kitchen and saw his next steps

-First wave bye-bye - DS in my arms waving goodbye to his grandparents (who promptly came back to kiss him!)

• First kiss - me. And for ages he would only kiss me

etc.

I have a rushed hour with DS in the morning. DH and I take it in turn to play with DS whilst the other person has breakfast/showers/gets dressed etc. Then in the evening we get to play for about 45mins then it's bath and bed.

I also get the priviledge of getting up to DS 4 times in the night (he won't accept DH at night) so although I'm knackered I do get lots of extra cuddles!

It's not a lot of time during the week and although I would like an extra hour or 2 a day, it's enough. And then I had a wonderful 3 week holiday in the summer with DS...which was far more exhausting than working!

My main tip would be to try not to overdo things at the weekend. Try to slow down and just take advantage of being with your baby.

DC Will thrive
You don't have to do messy play
You will thrive
DC will love you so much
You will cope with it
Pay
Time on your own on the commute to read
You get to eat nice food at lunchtime
Have a social life outside the home
It won't harm your DD
Though I wish I had a job where I got an actual coffee or lunch break

Oopos that was a bit long.

I've just gone back the second time and it's even harder as you miss them both. Thank you for reminding me about the 3 month thing - it's very true. Good luck!

No, bartus, that was really helpful!

Though we're not at that age yet, sounds like the messy play is a big thing to let someone else do But also, as much as I love DD, I am struggling with the 'boredom' and isolation of being a SAHM.

I am hoping that being apart so much during the week will make me more patient with her (not that I am impatient, really) and I will be able to really enjoy spending full days with her. We've agreed to get a cleaner so we don't have to spend our days with DD bothering about cleaning the kitchen floor...

Thanks for all the other nice comments, I will focus on them!

I'm going back next week for the second time, DS is 3.5 and dd 6months......Petrified, but my lovely mum has been reminding me how I felt more like "me" after a few months at work and I spied on my son at nursery this morning and realised how happy he was and how confident he looked.

Is it too early for ??

Messy play - I guess it crops up a lot. It never crossed my mind to do these things with DS as I have no experience with children and am a neat freak. But he's always coming home after having done all sorts of fab sounding things - but best of all, he's clean!

Ah, remember the days when it was never too early for wine, jamboncru? Whereas nowadays its coffee. And cake, which is good, but mostly coffee. But I will join you in to drown your sorrows at going back to work next week (good luck, hope it is ok!), and also to drown my own sorrows as it is my birthday but DP is working until midnight so I can't have any wine tonight - second year in a row, last year I was in the midst of hyperemesis hell .

Oh and my best tip is try to be as busy at work as possible. It makes the day go faster and means you don't feel like it's pointless and you'd be better off at home.

I find the days when I have little to do, drag by and I resent not being able to leave and be with DS. So on those days I try to do something useful for the family, e.g. research new toys for DS (for B'day/Christmas), research methods for getting him to sleep (!), email friends and family, look up holiday stuff, choose presents for family members, look for new furniture etc. Anything which frees up more of my time at the weekend.

Agree with keeping busy. Oh and getting a cleaner is a fab idea - can't afford ours anymore (and tbh they were a bit shoddy!!) but even on the days they clearly weren't concentrating it was a damn sight better than doing it ourselves! Yes it's all coffee and cake which is not good for the post-baby work wardrobe Eeeeeek

I could have written your post too Nelly, I had my first settling in session with DD today and go back in 2 weeks. Thank you for asking the question and prompting some supportive and positive responses.

Money
Pension ( this is a bigger deal for me than my monthly salary)
Can go to the loo alone

Those three alone are enough for me.

Chubb - to number 3

Sluth, I hope your settling in went ok? Do you have a long working day too? I'm glad this is helpful to other people too. I felt there had been a run on here of threads that were in one way or another criticising mums who worked f/t, suggesting that you should get a mortgage holiday or a lodger to give you more time off etc., I was really feeling the need for some positive reinforcement!

And also thanks for the suggestions about making sure I am busy at work - I will turn in to super-employee to make sure the day goes quickly!

Thanks for this thread also . I went back yesterday after 10 1/2 months off . Missing DD2 terribly and just been sobbing my heart out. Mixture of guilt , apprehension of being in the workplace again, panicking at not living up to expectations and trying to be super mum .
Reading this reminds me that I need to take each day as it comes and not expect to be fine only after 2 days . It's a time of readjustment all round and things will settle . I have been here before so you would think I would know this time . Agree with a previous poster that 2nd time round is equally as hard as you miss them both . I was doing school pick up whilst on mat leave so missing that too.
Sorry to garble , very emotional tonight, but this thread has really helped me