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Original poster

Tips for staying sane as a sahm!

24 replies

hearts · 13/03/2006 14:51

DD is 2 and a half and although she is a lot more interactive now I think I am basically bored a lot of the time and feel stuck in a rut...

I was a solicitor so very different sort of job at home now...its really hard to think of things I can do which won't put me under too much pressure but which might give me a little challenge/sense of personal achievement that I think I am craving....

Not sure if we are going to try for another baby soon - jury very much out on that! Not sure if it will make things worse or whether it will give me more fulfilment...

Last year I joined weightwatchers and lost 3 stone - I think that gave me a sense of achievement and renewed confidence but things have moved on now and, well, I guess I feel restless but unable to launch into anything major as my main priority has to be care of dd and the home...

Does anyone have any tips from similar experience? Feeling particularly low about at the moment - and my Dad was killed in a car accident in October, which was probably suicide on his part, so there's all sorts of stuff going on - the least of which being that he isn't here anymore to help with dd and Mum not in great shape at the moment.....I've been having bereavement counselling which has been helpful in all of this.

Dd seems to be giving up daytime nap so no break there for space to myself. She goes to playgroup 2 mornings a week for a couple of hours but that soon disappears in travel there and back and sorting mess in the house in her absence! And we also have a rota so that 4 times a term I have to stay and help at the playgroup anyway....

I think I must sound really selfish but have now bared my soul to strangers..... could do with some advice.... Help!

OP posts:

iota · 13/03/2006 14:55

My top tip would be more playgroup for dd and more 'me' time for you. I personally think SAHM is harder when they are younger

puff · 13/03/2006 14:57

agree about more playgroup sessions in the week if you can

could you afford membership of a gym/fitness club?

Some council ones (much cheaper) have a creche.

iota · 13/03/2006 14:58

you shouild be entitled to the free 5 x 2.5 hr sessions soon

puff · 13/03/2006 14:58

very sorry about your Dad btw - must be v v hard. I lost my Mum to suicide so know how hard it can be coming to terms with a sudden, violent death of a loved one.

brimfull · 13/03/2006 15:06

Hearts,sorry to hear about your dad.I felt just like you( in a rut ).There's only so much conversation with a preschooler one can take.

I am much better now that I've joined the local gym.DS goes to preschool 4 am a week which gives me time to go to the gym.I'll also take him swimming there one day/week.ON the day he doesn't go to preschool I'll do a class at the gym and then have luch there with ds.He loves the creche ,so htinks it's a real treat.

Also find getting out of the house to meet friends or invite people round to play helps a lot.

I think you need to find more time for you.

ProfYaffle · 13/03/2006 15:12

I don't know if this is going to sound bonkers, but here goes anyway.

Since I gave up work I sort of see dd as a 'project', I do my 'research' from tv and books and get some fulfilment from doing stuff for dd. Eg setting up little outings, craft activities, making up a music box etc etc This helps to give me a sense of purpose.

She also goes to nursery 2 mornings for 4 hours at a time which obviously helps with the 'me time' enormously.

I also go to a painting and drawing evening class which gives me the chance to do something I enjoy completely seperately to dd (who is 23 mo btw)

brimfull · 13/03/2006 15:29

Doesn't sound naff at all profyaffle.Used to do similar with dd but unfortunately ds has attetion span of a nat and is only interested in cars,rockets which I find soooo boring.

Original poster

hearts · 13/03/2006 15:57

thank you so much for this support - dd is on my knee now demanding teletubbies site but hope to get on again later for more chat....

OP posts:

skerriesmum · 13/03/2006 15:59

It's tough isn't it? Now that the weather is getting nice it's easier to get out though, which is essential to my mental state, even just walking to the post box! I voluntarily walk my neighbour's two dogs while she's at work, it gets us out everyday. But I still have days when I go spare, it happens to everyone.
Work can be crap though too, right? I worked a four-day week for nearly a year and I'd prefer to be at home!

Original poster

hearts · 13/03/2006 18:48

I do need to find more time for me I think. We could have one more playgroup session a week as its max of 3, but we go to a music group on the 3rd day and she really enjoys that still & I get to chat to Mums I've now known for a while, some for 2 years. I think I should carry on with things that I actually enjoy doing with dd - in fact, I should probably try and have more fun with her generally....sometimes its a bit hard when you just want to mope on the sofa, fall asleep and wake up with your Dad in the room again...

As I'm not working its hard to justify the cost of private nursery for more time out, and I do feel guilty when I think about "farming her off" to somewhere else she needs to get used to - at the end of the day I gave up work to "bring her up" - its just hard on a full-time basis!

I might ask a local childminder if they could take her for a couple of hours a week and hopefully that wouldn't be too unsettling for her and hopefully dh would agree to the extra £10 or so a week just to get me by for a while...

I have been going to Pilates for a while which is good for me but I know exercise helps me and it will be good when weather improves to get out on bike a bit more. I will investigate the local gym at the swimming pool - there is a creche there for up to 1 and half hours a time. At least I'd be in the building and not feel so much that I'd abandoned her....

I think she will qualify for the pre-school vouchers when she is 3, and there is a good pre-school near us which she will start at in Jan next year, and possibly before then if there is space - but if not I may feel then that she could cope with another daycare place at the same time as playgroup - and maybe even my Mum might be up to having Ellen for a bit longer for me.

I also think that doing something for the sheer hell of it, a creative hobby or something, just for fun, would be good - no good at art but maybe there's a class locally for beginners - could be therapeutic...

ProfYaffle - I'm glad you said that you see it as a project - I have tried to do that too and it does help o "intellectualise" the new "job".....

Puff - very sorry to hear you lost your Mum in similar circumstances - how long ago was that and how did you "deal" with the whole thing?

OP posts:

Nightynight · 13/03/2006 19:21

hearts - sorry to hear about such a bad time, and wish you strength to get through it.
Re staying at home, my 2 tips would be:
keep treating home management as a job, ie keep the professional approach that brought you career success. helps you feel motivated.
go on a course/get postgrad qualifications. Your dd will love the creche at the college you choose....mine did anyway (1 day/ week)!

puff · 13/03/2006 21:15

hearts - I think you should make that extra time for yourself and not feel guilty about "abandoning" your dd, because you aren't!

It is still early days as far as your bereavement is concerned and it's very important that you are kind to yourself - it will help in the long run.

Mum died 5 years ago. I won't pull any punches, it was horrendous for quite a while. So many questions, so many "what if's" and there will never be an answer.

I also had a lot of counselling, I needed to go through the same things over and over and over, to try and make some sense of something that seems so senseless.

It does get better, I will never come to terms with the manner of Mum's death, but I've found a way to live with it and go forward with my life.

If you want to chat to me privately, then do CAT me .

Helennn · 15/03/2006 14:04

Just read this message and it is just how I am feeling at the moment - although very sorry to hear about your dad! I have a very active son of 6 who is at school, and dd who is 20 months. I find myself bored, especially when dd is asleep which she does for about 2 hours most days, (I know, I am so lucky), but to be honest I am at a loss to know what to do with myself. I have got to the stage when I can't really get excited about starting anything new. I have thought about knitting as a lot of people on here seem to like it and also starting a part-time college course in Sept., but it does seem a lot of effort and money, (childcare) for what is in fact just to keep me happy. I really can't seem to see being a SAHM as a job as I would not choose to do laundry, clean the house, etc., it just seems a chore at the moment - after being at home for over 6 years the novelty has definitely worn off!

Sorry to hi-jack, this post just seemed to hit the nail on the head today - any more ideas to get me and hearts out of this domestic rut would be hugely appreciated!!!!!

TuttiFrutti · 15/03/2006 19:39

Hearts, I also really identified with your (and the other SAHMs') posts on this thread. I am a relatively recent SAHM with one ds of 11 months and although I'm glad I didn't go back to work (I was a solicitor too) being at home is really boring sometimes. It's also hard work, both physically and emotionally sometimes, and I don't think men always appreciate this. My dh says "Your life is one big coffee morning!" Hmmmm....

If I spend an entire day at home with ds on our own, I go a bit mad and start singing along to CBeebies theme tunes.

Advice? Not sure I'm qualified to give any, but FWIW, these things have helped me. I try and get out somewhere every day, even if it's just to the supermarket. I treat the house/childcare like a professional job and make plans for projects. I have joined a local gym with a creche, which has been a lifesaver - I'm much fitter and it gives me some "me time" away from ds, and it gets him used to a creche and other children. I've learned to knit (don't laugh!) and make stuff while watching TV in the evenings, so I'm doing something creative.

Surfermum · 15/03/2006 19:52

I really enjoy my weekly swim on one of the days that dd goes to pre-school. I find it relaxing, it's lovely to be going somewhere without a little one in tow (although I keep thinking I've forgotton something), and I'm getting fit to boot. Each week I swim further and I'm getting a sense of achievement from that too.

Passionflower · 15/03/2006 20:26

hearts, if it's any help DD3 (2yo) loves the creche at my gym so much that I have to bribe her to leave with jaffa cakes etc. Last week she made a break for it after her treat ran back down the corridor to the creche and let herself back in! The staff think it's hilarious .

You will not be abandoning your DD by taking a bit of time out and the time she spends with you will be so much more enjoyable if you are feeling fresher.

Top tip is getting out of the house though.

shellybelly · 15/03/2006 20:53

ooh tuttifrutti i quite fancy taking up knitting (did do it centuries ago at school) how easy is it?? I really can't remember

TuttiFrutti · 16/03/2006 09:09

Knitting is great! I last did it as a child, but it's like riding a bike, you just pick it up again. I bought a magazine called Simply Knitting which tells you how to do all the basic things like casting on and has some simple patterns in.

shellybelly · 16/03/2006 13:43

i can see dh pissing himself laughing when i tell him i'm going to take up knitting tho the idea of just sitting there on an evening click clicking away with a knitting needle seems quite soothing and who knows in the future i might even buy a sewning machine (not that is something I wish I had the knack for)

shellybelly · 16/03/2006 13:44

soz that should say (now i wish I had the knack for it)

Helennn · 16/03/2006 15:08

Well - I've just been shopping and bought a knitting book. All I need now are the needles, the wool and to learn how to actually knit, (the book doesn't tell you that bit)!!! Anyway, at least I've made a step towards learning something new. I've also decided to make a summer dress for my dd, I did A-level Dress many years ago, (design, pattern cutting etc.) but haven't touched it since. I know these are all things to do in the house, but between the school run for my son and dd's sleep which she really needs I am limited as to how much I can escape the house!! Think swimming and creche a really good idea though - may try that.

Many thanks - all further ideas appreciated!!

hellywobs · 18/03/2006 14:38

Become a school governor!!

drosophila · 18/03/2006 15:35

Do you miss work? Could you do some volantary work related to your skills. I am on extended Mat Leave and will be returning to work for three days a week after Easter. I wish now I had asked for a two day week.

I kinda feel like my life is sureal at the moment. I feel a little disconnected from my life. My Dad also died while I was preg and I find myself dwelling on his death and the death of my BIL who died a couple of years ago in a horendous way. I think I have too much time to think about it.

I have been doing some fundraising for my local school and it reminds me what work gives me -distraction. COuld you go back to work even for one day a week just to get you seeing life differently.

I am NOT looking forward to working but I think it will be good for my mental health and as a consequence my children. If it doesn't work out though I will stop.

Original poster

hearts · 18/03/2006 16:38

Thank you all so much for the posts -and i'm glad its helped some other people too. I have really taken on board all the suggestions and feel a lot more upbeat at the moment (it helps that the sun has come out a bit today!) OUr local community pool and gym has a creche so may well get my act together on that idea...

I'm actually considering working with a life coach - not spoken to dh yet and he'll probably flip at the cost but I've worked hard in the past for our savings and I feel I am not living the life I want to live (or am I just not appreciating the life I have? - either way I need some outside input) - has anyone else any experience of this? I am going to post another thread to get wider audience on this point too. Worst thing would be to spend the money, be a waste of money and dh on back for rest of life!

And Puff - thank you for the offer to CAT - I will do that - had to find out what it meant and how to do it but now paid up for the year and will send a message soon! Only get to do little bits of anything each day!

OP posts:

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