Feels so wrong to leave her

[learningaswego]

Dd 19 months and had the luxury of being home with her till now. Need to work as need to know that I could, worse comes to worse, provide for my family (teaching qualification with salary), want to help my parents, security in my relationship etc. Splitting care for her between family member for 2 days and childminder for 3 a week. Hours away from her are expected to be 7 - 5.30/6.

Filling in an "All about me" form for childminder for dd. "I am interested in.... My favourite activity is... My favourite toy is... I get upset when... I like it when... I am good at.... My bedtime routine is " - All these things that only I could really know about her. How do you write down everything you feel someone needs to know about your baby? Where am I meant to begin? What makes her fundamentally her?

Childminder is great but I just feel like I am signing my baby away, am I shortchanging her putting her with a stranger? because at the end of the day that is what she is. Stuff like if she has a nappy rash by law she isn't allowed to put sudocreme on unless prescribed by a doctor, just seems somewhat cold. Totally understand they need to protect themselves... just.. I don't know.
Stupid worries like will she understand her when she is trying to say something, will she get it when she's trying to make her laugh, will I miss out on her development that I won't understand the new words she begins to say, or be on the outside of things she enjoys and not really know her like I do now?

Feeling very emotional because I don't feel like I have really appreciated all of the lovely things we have going for us and in a couple of weeks am going to lose them all. Almost like I am failing her in some way by choosing financial security (when we aren't that bad off for money currently) over spending time with her and bonding with her when she is still so very small and dependent. This time is so precious, she'll be off at nursery in a year. We spend all our time together and I just hope she adjusts better than I will.

Gutted and feeling like I am betraying my maternal instincts. This goes against everything my gut is telling me. Going to miss her so much as sad as it sounds she is just my everything, my best friend. I know I'm not meant to say that, or feel that, but I do. Maybe I'm just projecting as scared about new job too, been a long time since I've been back in it all.
Please no comments about being pathetic, I am aware how stupid it sounds which is why I have come to mumsnet rather than talk to my friends/ rest of my family about this. I can't bear the thought of missing out on her, or that she will be somewhere missing me.

Not sure what you want us to say really. Change is always a bit scary. tbh,I never want to go back to work after the 6 week Summer Break , but once you are in, your mind / focus is taken up by the job, and you realise it's nearly hometime and you've not had a minute to give them a thought.
Honest, the thought of going back is far worse than the reality

I was the same and eventually became a stay home mum as DD just did not settle in full day nursery. The nursery was great, all mature well trained staff. But she hated it. I felt dreadful leaving her. Had left her with family and that was fine. Since being at home have had no regrets, I have 5 DC now. Yes it has risks financially but it was the better of the options and you should go with your gut I think. Whatever you choose though will have benefits and disadvantages.

Oh it's fair to feel this way. And good that you are - shows connection, attachment and caring that comes from being mummy! And I was the same. I felt guilty, it felt wrong to measure up my child and inform some stranger about how he ticks! I cried buckets just looking at the form :(
But, and yes there is one, and you will see it eventually - it helps. It helps to work - financially, emotionally, for both you and your child.
My son 26mo. Now knows that mummy will say bye and will come back. He knows to trust, communicate, joke, follow instructions from people other than me. He interacts with children his age and others without me around. He will grow up seeing mummy work and have a life which she values, and will respect her for it.
I am just saying its good for you and baby to be apart. No one will ever replace you or your knowledge of baby. You will always know more, better and react faster. But this should be an asset and not a limitation for your child.
It is hard to work and be mummy. Living with the guilt is a start but honestly, give it a shot. You are not being pathetic at all. See previous threads here...and you will see many of us have been in the space you are in now. It shall pass.
I cried enough to have my lenses fall out. I felt sorry and silly pointing out to nuances of my child but the nursery was supportive and understanding and that helped!

Good luck!

Oh it is horrible, but it does get easier AND it also brings benefits. You will both adjust eventually but enjoy that first coffee with your workmates and an uninterrupted lunchbreak. I know I sound flippant but these things do begin to stand in for the awfulness. They also - with good childcare - begin to benefit from the social experiences they can have. And if you want a salutary economic reality check, go and read the other posts about today about people with no salary/pension.

Yes it will hurt but good childcare is incredibly valuable to her and you and will not ultimately be a bad thing, despite some tears at first on all sides...

Your feelings are really totally normal, and in fact probably magnified for you as you've been at home a lot longer than just maternity leave.
Try to see it in terms of finding change difficult, rather than specifically the idea of going to work. Most people find change challenging, but usually it's the thought and the build up which is stressful. When the change comes, you'll be well over the worst.

My children have done both nursery and cm, and in fact still go to their lovely cm before and after school. Although its not instant, they settled brilliantly, and nursery and cm gave them some rich experiences. And remember you're still her mum. Childcare is another experience , not a replacement for mum and dad and you child will always always retain that special relationship with you and her dad.

If someone had said to me a few weeks before I was due back at work 'here, have £100k and you can give up work' I'd have jumped at it, because i think there's a lot of conditioning which makes women feel they should be at home, and frankly I was anxious about how I would have coped with it all, so staying at home would have seemed like a safe option. But honestly, within a month or two i was so happy being back doing the job I'd trained to do, using different bits of my brain again, socialising with colleagues and feeling I had a better balance all round

I am sure it will be the same with you. Don't over analyse the cm regulations stuff- they have to do all the paperwork, in fact you mention you're a teacher so I'm sure you can identify with that- having to tick all the boxes, but actually what your cm will really be interested in is building a warm relationship with your child. Also don't be surprised if settling in takes a little longer because your child is older. (I returned to work when one or mine was 6 months and one 8 months and tbh I even noticed a bit of difference there. The 6 month old settled quicker than the 8 month old) but give it time, start some settling in periods with the cm early on, short at first then building up. I guess at your dds age she may well be starting play groups within the year anyway, so this is all part of her journey in discovering the world.

Could you not go back on a part time basis? Best of both worlds? I feel for you, my DD is 11mobths and I go back 3 days a week soon and even the thought of that kills me plus she's stating with my parents 2 data and get dad the third, I'm scared I won't be special in her eyes anymore, but I think if I had to go back full time id be a complete mess!

Hugs to you.

It's horrible to feel this way isn't it. I earned marginally more than DH prior to having DS, we had no intention of me working anything less than a 3 day week once I went back from maternity leave.

I just couldn't do it, the thought of leaving him absolutely knocked me sick. I have seen friends who's DC's have thrived at nursery / childminder but for my family it just felt so wrong I couldn't do it. DS is doing amazingly well, is able to do all the same things as the children I know who are in childcare so it obviously isn't holding him back developmentally (which I did worry about).

For us, we have managed to cut down financially so we are able to survive on one salary, and have taken redundancy and income replacement cover for DH in case anything were to happen. We are lucky our mortgage is very cheap, although we can't afford to move to a bigger home yet but it's working well for us.

I think every family does what works for them, and if I'd had no choice but to work I would have done, but I love my life and DS is amazing, such a polite, gentle, generous little boy and I am proud to say that is all my teaching :)

I think you know the answer to how you are feeling-it sounds like your instincts are telling you loud and clear! You said that you are ok finanicically at the moment so follow your heart and stay with your daughter! Her happiness is more important than material gain. Good luck!

I'm feeling the same way and I'm only going back two morning's a week! Feel guilty, even just putting my two year old to a childminder for that small amount of time, so can only imagine what you're feeling.

My circumstances are that I've been a SAHM for 6 years (oldest now at school) and I've just had enough. We don't even need the money, it's just I need a break and want to do a bit of work. Feel guilty, I was with my older child all through her early years, but can't/won't give my younger daughter the same. Was getting a bit overwhelmed about keeping going as a SAHM for another few years, and so made the decision I need to do it for me. Actually went and saw doctor, I was starting to get quite depressed about things. Childminder comes highly recommended by two trusted friends who have had their children with her, so can only put my trust in that. I know it's not easy, but hopefully you/we'll be able to 'forgive' ourselves. I'm not a super mum (as some mums seem to be), I'm just muddling by and doing the best I can, as I'm sure you are too.